Stars In the Heart - sequel to Scars On the Heart
by Sarah-neko
Summary: Post-war Gaea is a changing world, and life is changing too for Hitomi, Millerna and Serena. All three young women face new challenges and find new hope in this sequel to 'Scars On the Heart.' (Think everyone knows what it's the sequel to now? *^.^*) A wo
1. The Days Roll Into One

**Prologue**

It was really cold on the roof, the kind of cold that made you have to clench your jaw shut so your teeth wouldn't chatter, and then you got a pain in your head, but no-one bothered you up there. No-one else had come up here in a long time. And it would be better once the fire got going. Rafel resisted the temptation to mess with it; he'd had too many fires go out in the early stages because he'd gotten impatient and over-poked them. He'd built it in half an old drum, to shield it from the wind, but the wind got into everything else sooner or later. Once it got going, the metal would heat up, he could pile in more flammable rubbish, and the little hut he'd constructed would get pretty warm if he didn't jostle the walls and open up the chinks. He was looking forward to the way his nose would start running when that happened, which was pretty dumb, but it was one of the ways he knew he was warming up. A hot stuffy room was Rafel's idea of heaven these days. It wasn't that there were no rooms like that in the city, just that he couldn't have gotten into one. He wished he could get a haircut. He wished he could have a shower and put on clean clothes and spend an evening sitting on a couch in an ordinary living room, reading a book or watching the fire or listening to music, and just be normal. He knew he smelled. It was bothering him that lately, he didn't notice so much any more.

**Chapter One**

_If you believe in stupid things like love_

_Then we could sit in the sun_

_Let the days all roll into one_

_How could you take so long to decide?_

_How would you know until you tried?_

Bic Runga, 'Roll Into One.'

'It can't last long,' said Serena. She was talking about the weather; a strange sweet heatwave coming to Asturia right at the end of summer, when by rights autumn ought to have been settling in. But 'the air is milk and the water's silk,' in the words of an old song she was learning; there was a sort of lush humidity that was never too muggy, and bright bluegold days melted into velvety blueblack nights as though they intended to keep it up indefinitely. They had been down by the sea for nearly two months now; their holiday was beginning to look like living there. They had only returned to Pallas for one day, the eighth moon of the month of Red, to celebrate her sixteenth birthday with Allen and Millerna. There was a feeling of suspension; Serena and Gadeth both wondered when someone was going to notice that they had dropped out of life and come looking to chivvy them back into line. It was like being out of school; it was wonderful, with just an edge of apprehension, because you knew it couldn't last long.

'I could throw up an extension in a few days, give us some more room,' Gadeth said, looking speculatively at the cabin from the comfort of the hammock they were sharing, top and tail. 'Put a tank in the ceiling for rain water and we could even have a halfway decent bathroom. I think it could be long-term livable.'

'But we won't _get_ to live here long-term,' Serena pointed out. 'You're still in the army. They'll call you back.'

'What if they don't? What if everyone has forgotten about us forever and I get to keep you here?' He grinned at her, eyes half-closed against the sun. The hammock was slung between two trees near the cabin, but only Serena's end was shaded, the way the light was falling. It was a lazy afternoon sun, slowly coasting down to its bed under the horizon.

'We'll turn into complete savages,' she predicted, a matching crooked smile spreading on her face. 'Look at us already. We don't crawl out of bed until ten o'clock most days, and then we just spend the whole day lying around and swimming and eating'

'And going _back_ to bed'

'And getting up again and wandering around disreputably dressed'

'You're the only disreputable one, young woman.'

'I can't help it if it's easier to just wear your clothes.'

'And very cute you are in them, too, but I view this as a calculated plan on your part to deprive me of shirts.'

'Injustice!' she said, and slapped him on the knee; he tried to sit up and grab her and the hammock turned turtle and dumped them both onto the ground below, that funny mixture of sand and soil covered with loose mats of coarse grass. It wasn't bad to fall onto; it wasn't bad for the sort of play-fight that, with them, could only end one way. This couldn't last long. Serena was trying to memorise every moment.

'I don't understand why it's taking so long to arrange,' Allen said.

'Preparations for last time took _months_,' said Millerna. 'I'm hurrying this along as much as I can, but organising a formal coronation as well as a wedding can't be done in a day. We need to make it really special, special for everyone. It will cheer people up. And ideally the reconstruction on the Grand Canal needs to be finished first. Don't get that sulky look on your face, darling heart.' She tickled the end of his nose with a daisy; he was lying on his back with his head in her lap as she sat under the white tulip tree in the palace garden. It was a remarkably abandoned attitude for Allen; Millerna treasured every time she could get him to relax like this.

'And I don't see,' he said, not for the first time, 'why you want to get married in the same place again. Superstition aside, wouldn't it have all the wrong memories for you?'

Millerna sighed and poked the stem of the daisy into his hair, along with about six others she had picked. 'It's for the people,' she said. 'They need to see us reclaiming those places, proving they don't have to be blighted forever. And for me well, it's like painting over those memories and putting a new scene over the top. One to last this time. One I chose.'

Allen's frown cleared and he smiled up at her, sweet and peaceful. The late afternoon sun was shining behind her head as she bent over him, turning her corn-blonde hair into a halo around her face, a face that still had a pensive look. She was often sad since her father and sister had died; he would have expected nothing else, but it was good to feel that he was a comfort to her, that he could bring a smile to her lips. It was a power of release: smile answered smile, and for a while the world was a golden bubble around them.

'Van-sama,' Meruru said in an accusing tone, 'you haven't eaten today, have you?'

Van looked up from the reports he was reading. They were mostly dry and told him things he didn't need to know, about reconstruction projects that were ticking over nicely without him lifting a finger, but sometimes there was something pertinent, something he should act upon or show recognition for. And there were always things he needed to sign.

'Of course I have,' he said. 'I had that filled roll. You made me eat it.'

'That was yesterday lunchtime,' Meruru said. 'It's not my problem if you pine for her, but I won't let you starve to death.' She uncovered the tray she was carrying and clapped it down in front of Van, covering the folders and papers that littered the table. Savoury-smelling steam wafted up from a bowl of thick, heavily spiced lamb stew. She had even put a sprig of coriander on top to make it look pretty.

'I'm not pining for Hitomi,' Van said wearily. 'I'm busy being a king. And I'm not going to starve to death. It doesn't matter if I forget about a couple of meals when I'm busy.'

'When do you expect to get less busy?' Meruru snapped. 'You were skinny to begin with and now you really don't look well. Why do you have to read all of that? I could do it and just give you the important parts. I've got nothing to do all day except worry about you. Give me a job.'

'You never used to be so _bossy_,' Van complained, but he scooped up a spoonful of stew and blew on it to get it to the temperature he liked. 'What happened?'

'In case you haven't noticed, _I_ am growing up,' Meruru declared, and stood back with a flourish of her arms.

Van looked at her. She looked the same as always to him; shiny red-gold hair, furry little face, loose A-line orange dress. 'How do you mean?' he asked.

'Idiot,' she said peevishly. 'I'm _growing_. I'm turning into a woman and I think I should have more responsibility. And underwear.'

Van looked again, embarrassed. Now he was looking for it, there was, perhaps, more in the top of the dress than before; nothing gargantuan, but a change. 'Well, if you've decided to start wearing underwear after thirteen years, I don't see why you need to tell me,' he said. 'You don't need my permission. Just get whatever you want.'

'I was hoping to shock you out of your stupor with a startling revelation,' she said, 'but you're a complete bump on a log these days. You don't _notice_ anything. I could walk in here with my head shaved and be lucky to get a "Hello, Meruru," let alone "Have you done something different with your hair?"'

Van stirred the stew around in the bowl. It was tasty, but he just didn't have any appetite. He didn't have anything he wanted to say to Meruru, even though he thought she was being ridiculous. He felt vague and distant, which he realised was probably the direct result of not eating since yesterday lunchtime, but it didn't make it any easier to get to grips with realities like lamb stew. He should make an effort. It wasn't fair to Meruru.

'All right,' he said, 'as of now you're my secretary. You can call yourself Lady Chamberlain or something if you think it sounds better. So, um, read these and write me a summary, with notes about anything requiring action from me, and - hey, I haven't finished that.'

'I'm just lifting it for a moment,' she said, holding the tray off the table while she shoveled up papers from underneath with the other hand. 'You won't regret this - I'll be the best little royal secretary Fanelia's ever had. I can do shorthand, you know. Mr Lebeck the scribe taught me.'

'I can't _read_ shorthand,' Van said. 'I want to be able to read this summary, all right? Don't do anything fancy just because you can.'

'Don't worry about it,' she said, carrying her papers to the other end of the study table and beginning to sort them into piles. She hummed cheerfully as she worked, and Van found some pleasure in seeing how happily busy she was as he pressed on with the stew. It was spicy enough to make his eyes water a little, which was just what he liked.

_What's her favourite meal? Does she like cooking? She definitely liked vino. I'd make sure we had some of that if she was coming for dinner. If she was ever coming here again. Why would she want to? She'd probably think we'd be having bugs on a stick again._

Meruru watched Van from under her eyelids as he ate, slowly, without interest. _He is _so_ pining for her. The last thing he was interested in was the trial in Asturia, and he came back from that looking all mixed up. But what can I do? Bully him and try to look after him. He's really stupid. Someone who loves him is right in front of him every day and he can only think about a girl from another world. My poor Van-sama._

'And here he is in Trafalgar Square,' said Yukari. 'You can hardly see him for pigeons!'

Hitomi took the snapshot and looked at the shiny image of Amano, laughing, swamped in beating wings, a bag of birdseed in one hand. Even from England, he was a very dedicated letter-writer, and Yukari kept receiving fat envelopes with pictures and tiny presents. It was a cute picture; Hitomi couldn't help smiling.

'You may well smile,' said Yukari. 'You're not the one with a gorgeous boyfriend stuck on the other side of the world.' She was teasing. 'You should be more smiley. Lately anyone would think it _was_ you pining for your lost love.'

'I'm fine,' Hitomi said. She poked through her lunchbox and found half a dumpling she had missed. Their favourite seat, under a tree behind the main building of the school, was shady and cool.

'You're eating more. A friend notices these things, not to mention a manager. You don't want to start packing it on in winter, do you?' Yukari leaned back and started sorting through Amano's photos again.

'I'm training more too,' Hitomi defended herself. 'I just get hungry because I'm using a lot of energy.'

'Just don't overdo it. Either way. Girls have to look after themselves.' Yukari glanced sidelong at Hitomi. She was noticing it more and more; when you looked at Hitomi, when she didn't know you were looking, her face was sad, as though that was its default setting. What was she depressed about? They had both had crushes on Amano, and Yukari had been the lucky one, but was that enough to make Hitomi's eyes so wistful? There was something going on that Hitomi wouldn't tell her about; something must have made her decide to stop reading tarot, and something was stopping her wearing her old pendant. Yukari was a little hurt at the exclusion, but she was mostly worried. Hitomi kept training; she was really pulling up her sprint times, and would probably take a medal at the next interschool meet. She kept working hard in school, and had gotten particularly good marks for an assignment on Newton. She kept hanging out with Yukari and their friends, after school and on Sundays. But it was as though she was going through the motions, maintaining a system her heart wasn't in any more. Yukari wanted to tell her, _You're not alone. I'm here with you. I'll be by your side whatever happens._ But in some way, she felt it wasn't true, and Hitomi knew it.

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	2. Apple Pie

**Chapter Two**

'They're not going to like me,' Serena said. 'I just know they're not going to like me. They're going to think I'm strange and horrible and too young for you and funny-looking. Stop the bird and let me out. I'll just plummet to my death, it's for the best.' Her hands kept pinching at each other nervously; her nails had made crescent dents in her palms.

'You are too young for me,' Gadeth said, 'and the rest is bulldust and you know it. I'm worried they're not going to like _me_.'

'They're your family. They like you already.'

'I've been away for eight years. I've got nieces and nephews I've never met. They've all been there the whole time together and I really don't know what I'm going back to. Remind me why we think this is a good idea?' He tapped at the altimeter, which was annoying him by working perfectly and not being an excuse to turn back.

'Well, the concept was to visit _your_ family before going back to the arms of _my_ family. I do think it's a good idea. I'm just shitting bricks in anticipation.'

Gadeth got the kind of cough that meant he was trying very hard not to laugh at her. Serena gave him a good hard poke in the arm.

'Ow! Abuse, abuse! I can't help it you look so sweet and then you say things like that I'm laughing because it's _cute_. With not at, believe me.'

She gave a little sighing laugh and leaned her head against his shoulder. 'Even if they don't like you, I do.'

The house looked as though it had started quite small and grown due to popular demand. At one side the thatch of the roof looked very old; in fact, there was a small pear tree growing in it. Over what looked like a new extension on one side, it was fresher and rawer looking. On that side the eaves came down almost to the ground and three children were amusing themselves by sliding down the slope of the roof on tea-trays and crash-landing in an old and many-prolapsed straw-tick mattress. There were children of varying sizes everywhere, cheerfully scruffy but respectably clean, and they gaped up at _Crash Test_ as Gadeth brought it down in the house paddock, slightly alarming a very fat donkey which plodded off to the far corner with a sulky air. A line of children formed along the paddock fenceline, staring with the air of expert rubberneckers. Even the tea-tray tobogganers abandoned their sliding for a really good gawk.

Gadeth climbed out and offered his hand to Serena. She took it with a little grimace and followed him down. The ground in the paddock was muddy and she was glad she hadn't worn her good dress in an effort to impress.

'Excuse me, mate, you can't leave that there,' said a man's voice. The man in question was standing just behind the children, a small barrel under each arm. He was short and stocky with a meaty sort of face, about fifty years old. 'This is private property so unless you're having some sort of equipment problem I'll have to ask you to move the boat.'

'Um, hello, Uncle Matty,' said Gadeth. Serena gave his hand a squeeze. The middle-aged man gave them both a very blank look for the space of about five seconds before light dawned.

'It's _not_ Gadeth, is it?' he said incredulously. 'What the hell are you doing back here? No, hang on, I mean welcome back, it's good to see you boyo, but yes, what the hell are you doing back? Get out of the way, Rince, let your uncle out the gate - of course he's your uncle, he's your uncle Gadeth, that's your mum's brother, and who's _this_? Where'd you find her? Good on you, boyo! Get that dog, Erry, it's going to - oh, sorry love, that'll brush off when it's dry.'

Serena looked dubiously at the huge muddy pawstreaks that now decorated her second-favourite shirt, courtesy of a large, knobbly brown dog with disproportionately big feet, grinning up at her around a lolling pink tongue. Suddenly, the dog decided that it was very important to get its nose between her legs and give her a damn good sniffing. Several children squealed with laughter, and the boy identified as Erry hauled ineffectually on the dog's collar, repeating 'Bad dog, Bugger! Get off her! Bad dog!'

'The dog is called Bugger?' Serena said faintly.

'Because he is one,' said Matty. 'Look, boy, go on into the house, your mum's there and she'll be tickled to see you, I'm on my way over to the old barn with these, you picked your day, it's the big apple hooley tonight - Erry, tie the bugger up, he's not supposed to be out anyway, now who's coming with me and help with the lanterns?' He marched off, trailed by five or six kids. The rest clustered around Serena and Gadeth and went back to staring.

'You're our uncle in the army, right?' said a girl of about ten, with thick black hair in braids tied with red wool. Serena thought she could see a likeness to Gadeth; her eyes weren't the same, but they were similar, with a frank look that was very like Gadeth's.

'That's me,' said Gadeth. He looked thoroughly intimidated by so many small relatives in a body. 'I, uh, well, I'd better get on into the house and say hi to everyone - come on, Serena.'

'Are you in the army too?' Erry asked Serena.

'They don't have women in the army, thicko,' said the girl, who as self-elected spokeswoman seemed to resent the interruption. Serena and Gadeth picked their way through the crowd, heading for the front door. The steps in front of it were ranked with assorted boots and bits of gear, buckets and secateurs and children's outdoor toys. The door itself was propped open with a brick. Just inside was a sort of hall-cum-cloakroom which was even more cluttered, stuffed with coats and bags and hats and a gently asinine-looking stag's head with more of the same hanging from its antlers. A small child of indeterminate gender pushed open the door that led to the rest of the house and peered round it at them before turning back and yelling 'Nan, there's a strange man in the hall and a boy with all mud on!'

'I don't look like a boy in this, do I?' Serena hissed, tugging at her shirt, staring at her trousers - well, Gadeth's trousers, cinched at the waist and with the legs turned up. 'All right, I probably do. Damn damn double damn.'

'You look nothing like a boy,' he said. 'It's half dark in here and what does a toddler know? I wonder whose he is?'

An older woman put her head round the door and looked at them suspiciously for half a second before her face lit up.

'Gadeth!' she cried gladly, and rushing at him, hugged him round the neck.

'Mum!' Gadeth replied, dropping Serena's hand to hug his mother back. Serena stood back against a sort of hedge of oilskins, in a cloud of linseed-smell. They looked so happy; they were the sort of people you could see instantly belonged to each other. Their faces were not much alike - she remembered he had said he resembled his father - but their smiles were identical, the same warmth.

'How _are_ you, Mum?' Gadeth asked.

'I'm wonderful - my heavens, look at you, my boy's so _big_ now. Well, at least they must have fed you properly. Two months without a letter! What's wrong with you?' She swatted at his hair.

'I've been busy! I did write and say I was all right as soon as we were sure it was peace.' Gadeth was beaming, enjoying being told off by his mother again.

'Oh yes, dear Mum and Dad, I am alive with no new bits chopped off, more later, love Gadeth. That was _very_ reassuring.'

'That's pretty much a direct quote too,' Gadeth said over his shoulder to Serena, who Mrs Finn had not properly noticed until then. Now she turned and looked, and her eyebrows went up.

'Well, for goodness' sake, this isn't a boy,' she said. 'Isn't Dace a little silly. What's your name, my dear?'

'Mum, this is Serena Schezar,' said Gadeth. He took Serena's hand, pulled her forward out of the oilskins, put his arm round her shoulders, displaying her with a kind of shy pride. 'You remember I told you about my commander, about the Boss? She's his sister, and she's, well, we're'

'You're the girl there was all that fuss about in Pallas?' Mrs Finn frowned a little. _Ohshit_, thought Serena. She felt Gadeth's arm tighten, heard him draw in his breath.

'I was so glad to hear that you got off - I mean, that they realised they had the wrong person. Gadeth's told us so much about your brother and what he did for him, and when I heard about that business I just said to Lil - that's my sister-in-law - I said I don't care what they say about her, if she's the sister of a man like that they should give her a chance. Blood tells.' She smiled at Serena, who smiled back in a flood of relief.

'And aren't you _pretty._ Now is he being nice to you? You must come into the kitchen - you don't have to hang onto her, Gadeth, let her walk, goodness knows you can't get through all these coats two abreast, what must it look like to you, dear? I expect you're used to things being much nicer you stayed at the palace, didn't you? Oh dear, did the dog jump up on you? It'll brush off when it dries. Here we are! Sit down there - see if you can find room for your elbows - it's all go today, we're getting ready for the Apple Dance.'

Mrs Finn guided Serena to a seat by a cluttered table in an airy, sunny, chaotic kitchen. Six other women were hard at work mixing and baking; two little girls were fully occupied cutting out cinnamon biscuits with the rims of drinking glasses, from dough rolled flat on the tabletop. The child Dace was under the table hitting a pot arhythmically with a spoon. The little girls kept stolidly cutting out circles while all the grown women yelped at the sight of Gadeth and ran to hug him; they were obviously an affectionate family and Serena felt a little left out of the general yelling and embracing. It was so strange to see him among people he belonged with but that she didn't know; strange to see him being a son and a brother and a nephew and, in the case of a tiny old woman who had popped out of a rocking chair in the corner and was forcing him to bend double so she could pinch his cheeks and kiss his forehead, a grandson. It was nice though; it was sweet. She managed to catch his eye over the shoulder of an obvious aunt who was making a great fuss of him, and he grinned at her, embarrassed but happy. She felt one of those little giddy rushes of love that crept up on her every now and again with him, and took her breath away.

'Everyone let go of Gadeth and get on with your jobs!' Mrs Finn declared, clapping her hands briskly. 'We don't have any time to lose. In fact, I'm sorry to put you to work as soon as you get home, but your father's been complaining all morning that there's no-one free to dig the last bits of the big stump out of the bank and if it doesn't get done he'll be impossible all evening - could you see about it, pet?'

'What big stump?' said Gadeth, looking confused.

'After your time,' said a young woman who was probably a sister, beating egg whites as she spoke. 'The marler tree bought it in a thunderstorm a couple of weeks ago - split right down the middle - and Dad's been chopping it down and grubbing it up in bits whenever he's had a free moment since. He thought it might fall on the house. But he's been so busy with the harvest and the pressing that the stump's still in there. You'll probably need to pull it out with Jule.'

'Jule?' repeated Gadeth, looking more confused if possible.

'The donkey,' said the aunt - probably Lil. 'She's new. Get one of the kids to show you how to hit her.'

'I _liked_ the marler tree,' Gadeth said plaintively. 'And what happened to Gus the draught horse? He's not dead, is he?'

'Don't be dramatic,' his mother told him. 'Your brothers have got him out in the orchard. Go on, pet, we can't have you underfoot in the kitchen, a hulking big thing like you, go on.' She shooed him towards the door.

'But Serena!' Gadeth protested.

'We'll look after her,' called the sister, and Mrs Finn shut the door on him.

'All right,' said a muffled voice from the hall. 'Bye, then. You haven't seen me for eight years, so BYE! I'll just go and do backbreaking manual labour. When I'm dead you'll be sorry.' Serena could hear him stomp off; he had sounded good-humoured enough but she wished he hadn't gone. One of the glass-wielding little girls was watching her gravely; the other was surreptitiously eating raw cinnamon dough scraps. Under the table, Dace had gotten to his or her feet and was leaning heavily against Serena's leg. She felt swamped.

'Well!' said Mrs Finn brightly. 'We should find you something to do, shouldn't we?'

'I'm afraid I don't know how to cook,' Serena said. 'I mean, not baking. I just know how to cook things on a fire. The fanciest thing I can do is damper with jam rolled up in it.' _And Gadeth taught me that one._

'Well, a grand lady like you wouldn't need to know how to make her own cakes, would she?' said the sister cheerfully. 'I think it's so nice that Gadeth's going to marry above himself. I'm Miria, by the way.'

'We didn't say we're getting married,' Serena said, and blushed. _Not that there's any reason to marry, except to be respectable what would Lady Kerrell call it, probably 'living in sin.'_

'You don't need to be modest,' said Lil. 'If he brings you home to his family we all know what _that_ means. And no offence to your family, dear, but I wouldn't say Gadeth's marrying above himself. You're getting a good boy there. Anyone should count themselves lucky to have him.'

'Lucky, when he runs away to join the army!' Miria exclaimed. 'Auntie Lil is just soft on him, she always has been.'

'I do feel lucky,' Serena assured Lil, 'very lucky. He's the sweetest person I ever met. He's a credit to all of you.' _Did that sound phoney?_

'Well he must have changed since the last time _I_ saw him, because he was a stroppy little bugger then,' said Miria.

'Language, young lady,' said Mrs Finn, taking baked pies from the oven and putting new ones in like clockwork. Some of them, by the smell, were the prize-winning apple variety.

'I'm five times five with three children, mother dear,' said Miria. 'And all of them say bugger every day because of that awful dog of Uncle Matty's.'

'Well, I told him not to call it that, but you know what he's like,' said Lil. 'Matty never has known when to let go of a joke.'

'Can you make sandwiches, love?' Mrs Finn asked, clearing away the last of the biscuit dough. The little girls had finished cutting and were carefully sliding the baking sheets into the oven over the pies.

'Oh yes. No problem.' Serena had to raise her voice slightly, because the woman was disappearing into a larder and returning while she answered.

'Right then,' Mrs Finn said, plunking down a basket of loaves and dealing out bowls and pots of different fillings, along with butter and mayonnaise and mustard and horseradish. 'Get cracking on those - just make as many as you can and fill them however you like, no-one will really notice what they're like. The important thing is to get some bread into them along with the cider.'

'Aim for interesting colour combinations that will look good in vomit,' said Miria.

'Just ignore her,' said Lil. 'She's got the pip because she's expecting again and not supposed to be dancing tonight.'

'Oh, congratulations,' Serena said. Now she was looking for it, Miria was bulging at the waist rather; it hadn't been immediately obvious because of her loose dress. She started cutting and buttering slices of bread; once she had a pile of them she would start putting them together.

'Thanks,' said Miria. 'A warning before you marry into this family - we are horribly, horribly fertile. If you don't like children, run away. Run faaaaar away now.'

'No, I like children,' Serena said. 'Me and this little one seem to be getting on well - he's been hanging onto my leg for the last ten minutes.'

'I'm afraid Dace does that to everyone, dear,' said Mrs Finn. 'Just prise him off if he's bothering you. I'll tell you what works well - hold the whole loaf, butter the cut face, then cut it off as a slice. It saves time.'

'What exactly is the Apple Dance?' Serena asked. She was beginning to feel more comfortable, which was odd since she'd never been in a situation anything like this before. Perhaps it was because these people reminded her of Gadeth; there was a slight presence of him even though he was out of the room.

'It's our little rural festivity,' said Miria. 'It's just a harvest dance. End of summer, get the apples in, crack open last year's cider and have a hooley. Lots of fun during, a hell of a lot of work before and after. Most of the men are over at the old barn getting things set up - taking the doors off the hinges and putting them down for a dance floor, that kind of thing. Everyone comes in from town and the local farms. It spills out of the barn and all over the river paddock - and of course, at least three people fall in the water every year, but thank heaven we've never had a drowning. Lucky you, getting to see clan Finn with its hair down first thing. After this, nothing we do will surprise you.'

'You're making us sound like lunatics,' Lil scolded her. 'It's just a nice village party, pet. Everyone's worked hard this year and we're rewarding ourselves, not to mention thanking our lucky stars that the war didn't come here. And it'll be lovely to have you here too. I'm not being rude, but is that your real hair colour?'

'Um. Yes.' Serena tucked a loose strand behind her ear; there were always loose strands curling around her face now that it was longer.

'Were you sick when you were a kid?' Miria asked. 'Cousin Jay had rheumatic fever and his hair went a bit like that; lots of grey in it when he was still young.'

'Well,' Serena began, then decided it was easier than explaining properly, and anyway, it was true, figuratively speaking. 'Yes.' _Grey when I'm still young Gadeth says it's silver and gold together, and calls me his treasure, but then again, he would. They must not know the whole Dilandau story. I shouldn't assume everyone I meet does._

'It's got a lovely curl in it,' said Mrs Finn. 'Very nice. Are twisty braids like that the fashion in Pallas now?'

'Not really - I just do it like this to keep it out of my way.' The matter of Serena's hair was something of a sore spot with her; it had grown so fast at first that it had positively scared her, then settled and almost stopped growing at a length just past her shoulderblades, so it wasn't even consistent in its weirdness. She kept wondering if it was going to do it again. Everything else about her body seemed to be running normally, even her periods, which had frightened her so much at first, but the hair was a worry. Gadeth just thought it was beautiful; he kept playing with it whenever they were sitting or lying quietly together, in the same way as Serena liked to trace patterns on his chest or his back with her fingertips. He'd wind it round his fingers or make it into loops and twists; in fact the braid she was wearing it in was sort of his invention, since he'd found a way to make it like a spiralling rope. For her own part, she would have been equally happy to bob it off short again, but as long as it pleased him she would leave it long.

'Well, you must teach me how to do it that way,' said Miria. 'I'd like to try it myself.'

'I'd be happy to,' said Serena. The kitchen air was full of mouth-watering smells, heat from the oven mingling with sunshine streaming in at the windows. It was one of the nicest places she had ever been in, and she was beginning to feel that she belonged. _I could be part of this family._

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	3. Over a Book

**Chapter Three**

Gadeth eventually got the last of the marler stump out of the bank, very little thanks to barrel-shaped Jule the donkey, who despite all Erry's instruction in the right way of hitting her proved thoroughly intractable. Most of it was pick work, which he hated; in fact, he didn't see any reason why the stump shouldn't just stay there, but if Dad had a bee in his bonnet about it it had to come out. If it destabilised the bank and it all slid onto the vegetable garden the next time it rained, it would just serve him right. It was late afternoon by now; he was sweaty, muddy and starving. He and Serena had missed lunch, travelling, and right now the thought of food was an almost religious experience. He wondered how she was getting on with all the women in the kitchen; he wished he could have stayed with her, but there was no way they would have let him stay. They probably all wanted to have a good look at her and interrogate her a bit. He got the worst of the mud off his face and hands under the pump in the vege garden, then headed into the house to wash up properly in the scullery, leaving his boots on the step with all the others and padding into the hall in his socks. He knew he was really home when he did that.

Serena wasn't in the kitchen; the rest of the women were sitting with their feet up drinking tea and warning children off from trying to sneak a biscuit or a sandwich from the teatowel-covered trays standing ready on every flat surface, to be carried down to the barn for the refreshments table.

'She's in the sitting-room having a little rest away from everyone,' his mother told him. 'She's a nice girl but I don't think she's used to a lot of people - she was looking a bit peaked. No, don't go off - go in there and get cleaned up before you go and see her.'

'She's an _awfully_ nice girl,' Auntie Lil emphasised. 'She's got lovely manners, but she's not at all affected. She dropped a piece of bread butter-side down and said "Oh, poos," and I thought yes, she can get along with us.'

'Proficiency in extremely mild swearing is the first qualification for admission to the Finn family,' said Miria. 'Don't miss the back of your neck, you could grow potatoes on it. Just take your shirt _off_, you're never going to manage without getting it wet.'

'Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full sir,' said Gadeth, soaping his arms.

'And don't be cheeky to your sister,' they all chorused, and laughed.

He found Serena, sure enough, in the sitting-room, and she was even putting the room to its proper use by sitting. The sitting-room was the only room in the house that the family hardly ever used, mainly because it could only hold about six people at once and that was no good for their purposes. The sitting facilities consisted of a vast horsehair sofa and two matching armchairs, upholstered in butter-coloured chintz. The seats were not so much hard as very _dense_. The bottom had not yet been found that could put a dent in them - not by merely sitting, anyway, and bouncing would have been unthinkable.

Serena had the big play-book from the mantlepiece open on her lap, and was reading it with a frown of concentration. She didn't notice he had come in until he stepped on the squeaky board next to the fireplace; then she looked up with a little gasp, and positively beamed when she saw it was him. He sat down by her on the sofa, put an arm round her and kissed the side of her neck, just under her ear; it was a favourite place with him and part of their official shorthand for 'I love you.'

'How did you manage? They didn't drive you berserk, did they?'

'No, I don't feel berserk at all. I'm hungry, but it seemed like all the food in the house was going into the stuff for the dance and I didn't quite know how to ask for anything. Your relatives could talk the hind leg off a cat. They're very kind, though.' She looked back at the book on her knees. 'Gadeth, do you know what this book is?'

'Course. That's the play-book. I know where we got it, too, Dad found it in the river paddock, just lying there by itself. There was no-one's name in it and no-one came looking for it, so he just kept it in case, and then in winter when we were all snowed in and going insane from boredom he started reading it and it was all plays and poems. First he read them aloud to us, and I remember he did different voices for the different parts which impressed us all, and then we acted them. We just put on plays for each other until it started raining and the snow melted. I think I was about six. I didn't understand a lot of the fancy language in the plays, but Dad told me what was going on and they had great stories. My favourite was the one where the man gets turned into a donkey.' He leaned over to look at the page she had open. 'Ah, I didn't like that one. Everyone killing each other at the end really upset me - I was expecting a happy ending. I didn't know there _were_ stories with sad endings until that one.'

'These are the plays of William Shakespeare,' Serena said. 'You're talking about _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ and _Hamlet_.'

'Right. I forgot the titles. It was a long time ago. Have you read them too?'

'Well, yes, but that's what's strange about it. You shouldn't have read them. You shouldn't ever have heard of them. I think I told you the Dragonslayers were given a lot of education, to make them perfect citizens - well, for literary studies they had these plays. Which are not from this world. They were written on the Phantom Moon hundreds of years ago in a country called England. This author, Shakespeare, is supposed to be the best writer the Phantom Moon ever had. Lord Dornkirk brought the books over - it was one of the first things he ever used a fate engine for, matter transportation to bring over the books he thought were important for the people of Zaibach to learn from. We were taught English language and history, because he was English himself so he thought it was important, and I suppose he was also thinking he might one day return to the Moon and give them the benefit of what he'd developed on Gaea. They don't call it the Phantom Moon there, of course, they call it Earth.'

'Why would they want to name their planet after dirt?' Gadeth asked.

'I don't know, they're weird. Look, that's another thing. These plays are in English - old-fashioned English, even in Lord Dornkirk's day. There's no way your father or anyone in your family should have been able to read them.'

'That's a language of the Phantom Moon?' Gadeth said, staring at the page. 'It looks just like ordinary writing to me. It always did. I mean - well, at the top of the page it says Act One Scene One. It's plain as day. And down there you've got Marcellus and the rest of them talking about seeing a ghost.'

'I don't know how you can read it,' Serena said. 'Can you understand me when I talk like this?' she said, in English, as an experiment.

'What did you say?'

'You don't understand _spoken_ English. Somehow you're looking at written English and understanding it as our language. How the hell does that work? I remember you said to me something about 'good night, sweet prince' as a joke - well, that's a line out of _Hamlet_. I wondered afterwards how you knew it but I kept forgetting to ask you. How did this book even get here?'

'One time I was talking to Hitomi Kanzaki and she told me about something strange she found,' Gadeth said. 'In the Pallas bazaar, a thing called a ceedee. It's a thin silvery disc a bit bigger than the palm of your hand, and I didn't quite understand how she explained it, but I think it's part of a music box. You put different ceedees in the box and it plays different tunes. She showed me the one she had with her and let me have a listen to it - it was amazing, because it didn't just have a tune, it had the sounds of different instruments playing together, and a girl's voice singing. Hitomi said that's a common thing on the Phantom Moon, but I'd never heard of anything like it - and she found that ceedee on a market stall in Pallas. The fellow selling it didn't know what it was - he was advertising it as jewellery. So how did _that_ get here? Would it be the same kind of thing?'

'I suppose it could be,' Serena admitted. 'In Zaibach there were discs for recording sound and other data, but they were gold-coloured, not silver, and bigger than that. Also, they were really new technology - only government agencies had them, they certainly weren't common. The disc she found must have come from somewhere else.'

'I didn't understand the language of the singing from the music box,' Gadeth went on. 'I asked Hitomi what the girl was saying and she seemed really surprised, because she said the girl was singing in the same language she spoke, Nihongo. But I could understand everything Hitomi said and she could understand me, so how does _that_ work?'

'You seem to have spent a lot of time talking to Hitomi,' Serena said, a little stiffly. 'I'm glad you understood each other so well.'

'What do you mean?'

'She did work fast, didn't she? She was just here for a couple of months and she managed to infatuate Allen _and_ Van Fanel, and now it looks like she had you twisted round her little finger as well.' Serena started flipping pages in the play-book, refusing to look at Gadeth.

'You're jealous of me!'

'I am not.'

'You are! You're sitting there wanting to scratch Hitomi's eyes out because you think she was too friendly with me, aren't you?' He caught her hand so she couldn't keep turning pages; she tried to pull it away. He was half-laughing, and although she was trying to suppress it her own lips were twitching.

'I do _not_ want to scratch her eyes out.'

'Oh, come on, admit it.'

'Maybe just one eye.'

'That's my little hellcat.' He kissed her; this was far too much fun. 'Just to reassure you, I thought Hitomi was a very nice girl but no, I was never "infatuated" with her, so put your claws away, okay?'

'Stop teasing me. I don't have claws.'

'Then why do I have four long scratches on my back? I had to hide them from the female rels when I was having a wash just now. I don't want them to know what you do to me.'

'That was your own fault. Damn, this couch is slippery - I'm sliding right down.'

'Easier for me to get on top.'

'Don't be silly we can't do this here, what if someone comes in?'

'You've got a point there, my mother will kill us if we mess up her sofa.'

'Just give me a nice kiss, then.'

There was a sudden smothered giggle from under the sofa, and a fierce shushing. Gadeth just about flew to the far end of the sofa, then leapt to the floor where he crouched on hands and knees and peered fiercely underneath it.

'You and you, I don't know your names yet but get out from there! What do you think you're up to, spying on grown-ups?'

'Just give me a nice kiss, then,' said a child's voice, followed by more giggles.

'Right, that's it,' said Gadeth, reaching under the sofa and hauling out a dusty little boy and girl. He pulled them to their feet and bumped their heads together, not hard enough to really hurt but hard enough to get the message across. 'Now I don't want to catch you doing that again! Let people have some privacy. Bugger off and behave yourselves.'

'Uncle Matty's dog off,' said the little girl, and they ran out of the room laughing their heads off. Gadeth turned back to Serena, very red in the face.

'I'm sorry about that. I didn't think - I mean, I'm not used to lots of children around any more, and I forgot how people live on top of each other in this place - hey, are you all right?'

Serena had gotten the giggles as soon as Gadeth dropped on the floor, and she was almost crying with laughter by now, quite unable to answer a question sensibly.

'You were and they I wa oh God' She trailed off and buried her face in the sofa cushions, shoulders shaking.

'I'm glad _you_ think it was funny! It took ten years off my life!' He was calming down, though, and it was hard not to laugh when she was.

'Live on top of each other,' Serena gasped. 'That was the best part. But oh, dear, it was just so _funny_! You're such a scary scowly uncle. Like a bear!'

'Hey, you're letting Shakespeare fall on the floor. Is that any way to treat the works of the greatest writer in the world of dirt?' He picked up the book and closed it, weighing it in his hands. 'I just can't believe _Dilandau_ read these.'

'Well, he didn't _understand_ them. Come on, can you imagine what Dilandau would think of Hamlet's problems? His reaction was something like "Why don't you kill them _all_ and burn Elsinore?"' Serena sat up and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. 'Oh, gosh. You've got to have a laugh like that every once in a while.'

'What did he think of the sonnets at the back?'

'Unadulterated crap. Especially the ones about having children.'

'I always liked the one about the summer's day, and the darling buds of May. Whatever May is.'

'It's a month of the year. Late in springtime.'

'I wonder what it _does_ mean?'

'I just told you.'

'No, I mean the book turning up, and us being able to read it.'

'Who knows? We might find out one day. Some things don't really mean anything, they just are.'

Gadeth replaced the book on the mantle, along with the postcard album and the family Tome, which he could see now had extra pages wedged in to accommodate the record of births, deaths and marriages kept in the front and back endpapers. He looked over at Serena, sitting on the indomitable sofa in his old shirt and pants - the mud had, as predicted, dried and been brushed off - and found he had nothing to say. There were times when he only wanted to look at her, and have a quiet gloat about the fact that she seemed to be his.

'What are you smiling about?'

'I just think you look nice here. And in the kitchen - well, it's just nice to see you in these surroundings.'

'It's nice to see _you_. You look at home here.'

'I am at home. But - sorry, mush coming up - home is where the heart is, right, and since you have my heart, I'm enjoying seeing the two homes together.'

'Sentimental fool.' She loved it when he came up with things like that; they were so corny, but so sweet. She didn't have the same gift for saying such things, and usually tried to make it up in kisses, hoping she could make him feel special in the same way, grateful and joyous and safe. And then there were funny times like now, when they were on opposite sides of the room, and everything happened in their eyes, but she felt as close to him as if he were holding her.

Mrs Finn put her head round the door. 'I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we need extra hands to get the trays over to the barn. Come on.'

'You know, if they give you work it means they like you,' Gadeth told Serena.

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	4. Two Rings

**Chapter Four**

Now she was sitting high on a haybale, stacked at the back of the barn, watching the dancers spin and swing. The Awamut Pipe and Brass Band had set up and had been playing steadily for two hours now with the sweat rolling off them - some musicians were beginning to look cross-eyed. The air among the rafters was hot and thick, like a vivid cloud of life rising off the people below; the noise was chaotic and cheerful. It was wonderful to watch. Below her were the refreshment tables, groaning with cakes and sandwiches - her own work had been going pretty fast, which was flattering - and pies and slices and biscuits and sausage rolls and heaping great bowls of cream. There was a fire going outside with three or four young sheep turning on a spit over the coals, and a bigger bonfire roaring up to the sky like a beacon. Cider and applejack brandy were flowing like water; everything smelled pleasantly of fermented apples, including her own breath. The Finns' cider was like liquid golden fire, fierce stuff that lifted you off your feet and made it moot which was lighter, your heart or your head. Soon she was going to want to go outside and breathe some cold air but for now the heat and light inside the barn were wonderful.

She had met even more relatives, all of them smiling, all willing to talk nineteen to the dozen. The quietest one had been Gadeth's father, who did, indeed, look like an older and sterner version of his son. He'd shaken her hand and said she was very welcome and that was about it - it was not that he was unwelcoming, just that, as he saw it, that was all that needed to be said. To Gadeth, he had said 'I'm happy to see you back here.'

'I'm happy to see you too,' Gadeth had replied, and again, that was about it. He relaxed considerably after that exchange, though, and began to look as though he was enjoying himself. She had lost sight of him temporarily, but that was nothing to worry about. In fact, here he came now, ducking past the table with the punchbowl and snagging a mince tart as he went.

'Found you at last - what are you doing up here?' Gadeth clambered up the bales beside her. 'Shove over.' He sat down by her and leaned back against the rough boards of the wall, flushed and cheerful. She leaned on him and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder.

'Are you having fun? I'm sorry I lost you back there - Jonty was dragging me off to the kegs, but I made my excuses.'

'I'm just enjoying watching all of them.'

'Later on I'm definitely getting you down there to dance.'

The hayloft was to one side of them; they could hear a muffled thump and some giggling.

'Ahem,' said Gadeth, and raised one eyebrow. 'You know, we've got a poem for this time of year? Apples are ripe, nuts are brown, petticoats up, trousers down.'

'It's just a shame I'm not wearing petticoats, then.'

'No, come on, be my dirty girl, it's more fun.'

'What, like you can squeeze my apples if I can touch your nuts?'

He half-choked laughing and almost fell off the bale sideways. Serena managed to catch him and drag him back up, and pinched him.

'I'm never going to try to say anything like that again!'

'I liked it, I really did, it was just you know, you have a gift for saying perverted things. I'm going to get you to drink cider more often. Come here and give me a kiss, no-one's watching.' Both being slightly drunk, they were clumsy, but the nice part about being slightly drunk was that clumsiness was enjoyable. Suddenly Gadeth stopped and pulled back; he looked as though he had something on his mind.

'You know what?' he said. 'Let's get married.'

'That's an interesting euphemism, but the hayloft's taken.'

'No, I actually mean let's get married. Do you want to?' He was earnest now, almost sober.

'Yes, very much.' The thumping of her heart had moved up a level.

'That was a really bad proposal, wasn't it?'

'No, I liked it.'

'Thank you, thank you, thank you thank you thank you.' He kissed her for punctuation, then jumped down from the bale, turned and held his arms out to her. 'Come on! We've got to find the minister before he passes out.'

'Wha-aat?'

'I should have rephrased it - let's get married, _right now_.'

The minister, an almost spherical old man with impressive white hair in a herringbone braid long enough to sit on, and a magnificent gin-blossomy face, grumbled a bit about the fact that there had been no proper banns. Gadeth dealt with that by climbing up on a trestle table, finding space for his feet in amongst dishes and mugs, and yelling at the whole barn 'Everyone shut up and listen!'

Most people obliged, and the rest quietened down when they realised the others had stopped. The band subsided gratefully and panted.

'I'm _extremely _happy to announce that I've asked Serena Schezar to marry me, and she's said yes.' Cheers and whistles, even from that portion of the crowd who weren't totally sure who Gadeth was, and had no idea who Serena was.

'We want to get the formalities out of the way' - ribald laughter, making Serena blush - 'no, no, shut up, so just for the record, can anyone think of a good reason why we shouldn't get married tonight amongst all you fine people?'

There was a good-humoured chorus of 'No,' 'Feel free' and 'Get on with it!'

'Right. You've had your chance. And given that her brother has told me that if I _don't_ marry her, he'll pull my arms off and hit me with the soggy ends - more or less - I'd like to invite you all to our wedding in - is twenty minutes all right?'

'Fine with me,' said the minister. 'I think you're mad, but you're supposed to humour madmen.'

'Thenkyew!' Gadeth said. 'That's all from me for the moment.' He jumped down and was mobbed by a crowd of his brothers and cousins, in the state of cheerful inebriation where men express congratulations and affection by arm-punching. Serena was snatched up by Miria, who propelled her out of the barn, giggling all the way.

'Congratulations!' she said. 'We've got to get you done up!'

'If I'm going to get married in a barn in front of a lot of drunk people, how done up should I be?' Serena asked. She was a little bit annoyed with Gadeth for making the announcement in that way; or perhaps she was more annoyed with the way people had laughed. More women were pouring out of the barn; she was caught up and hugged by Lil, Mrs Finn, the grandmother, a lot of people she didn't even recognise. _They don't even know me and they like me. They just need to know Gadeth likes me. And a wedding, completely spur of the moment, is fine by them - what weird people, but how wonderful._

'Have you got a dress with you, love?' asked Lil.

'No, I left it at home - I mean, I've only got the one.'

'One dress!? How can you only have one dress? We'll find you something, don't worry.'

'Up to the house, come on,' said Mrs Finn, clapping her hands to hurry them along.

A dress was found; a surprisingly beautiful dress, old and rustling out of tissue paper from the back of a heavy wardrobe. It was silk the colour of very creamy coffee, with seed pearls in a shining band round a square neckline. It was close to a perfect fit; perhaps a little loose in the bust and a little tight in the waist, but that was only what you could feel wearing it, not what you could see.

'I got married in that dress,' the grandmother informed her, tugging the skirt so it draped better. 'The second time, anyway, which I'll tell you for nothing was better than the first. Number three was quite nice too, but by then who could be bothered dressing up for it? Speaking of dressing, always wear something in bed, dear, it keeps a man interested. I used to wear my hat.' Serena felt vaguely shocked.

'Don't horrify her, Nanna,' said Miria. 'Serena, come here and let me do your hair. We've still got ten minutes. Mum, can you get the ivory sticks and the little pot of rouge from my dresser?' She loosened Serena's hair from its rope-braid and started brushing it vigorously. 'You're not nervous, are you? Don't worry about it. There's very little that can actually go wrong, bar one of you fainting.'

'I hadn't even thought of that!' Serena gasped, her head jerking back with the pull of the brush. 'This wasn't a plan, he only asked me properly just before he got up and announced it.'

'Typical,' said Miria, and began twisting the left side of Serena's hair into a sort of looping roll. 'Still, it's fun, isn't it? I never got proposed to, not properly - between you and me and the bedpost, getting married was really the only option. It's turned out surprisingly well. You can make most things work if you remember to keep talking to each other, and let him think he's getting his own way. But you stick up for yourself, all right? Saying yes to everything is as bad as saying no to it all. Give me one of those white sticks, will you? There we go.'

'How old were you when you got married?' Serena asked. Her hair was taking shape as a sort of coronet round her temples, with the rest in a bun at the back. The whole thing seemed to be anchored only by the ivory sticks, but it felt pretty firm.

'It was two years - oh, hang on, you don't know when the cow got into the church. Sorry. Local reference. I was seventeen. It wasn't long after Gadeth left, actually.'

'I'm sixteen.'

'Good grief, really? Bit young for it. But I've known couples with bigger age differences who were perfectly happy. Don't let him be in charge just because he's older.'

'I wasn't planning to,' Serena said. 'If worse comes to worst I know I can beat him in a fight.'

Miria laughed. 'Good for you! I don't think you'll have any problems that way. I was always surprised he joined the army, because he never liked fighting as such.'

'Well, he got good and drunk first,' Serena said. 'I don't think this is like that. It had better not be like that. I mean, I could see his eyes, and he didn't _look_ too drunk, just excited.'

'Of course he's excited,' said Lil, bustling up with an atomiser. 'Look what an angel he's marrying. Miria, don't put that stuff on her, she's got plenty of colour as it is. Let's make you smell as good as you look.' She squirted a cloud of scent around Serena's head and shoulders; it was something like vanilla. Serena sneezed.

'Rings!' exclaimed Mrs Finn. 'You need rings. This is such short notice - do you think this is his revenge on me for the stump? No, no, I'm just being silly. You don't have pierced ears, do you, Serena? Never mind. You don't really need a lot of jewellery, do you?' She was rummaging through a velvet-lined box standing on her dressing table, looking at and discarding earrings, brooches, bracelets. 'Here we are!' She showed Serena a handful of old rings linked on a chain, men's and women's, silver and gold. 'I'll find something to fit each of you - I'm sure you'll want to get something else later, but you must have something for the ceremony.'

'Time's up!' reported Miria, giving Serena's hair a last twitch.

It seemed like only seconds later that Serena was standing facing Gadeth before the minister, on a platform quickly pushed together from haybales and the top of a trestle table. Everyone else crowded into the barn to watch; it wasn't quiet, because people were whispering to each other and a few babies were fussing, but it was peaceful compared to earlier. Gadeth, too, must have been whisked to the house and into different clothes, without her seeing him, because he was wearing a charcoal-coloured suit with a vivid green cravat. He looked handsome but uncomfortable; the best thing about his appearance, for Serena, was the delight in his eyes every time he looked at her.

_He's proud of me. That's what it is - he's absolutely loving showing me off to everyone he grew up with. He's proud of_**_ me_**_._

'If you're both ready,' the minister said, _sotto voce_, 'I'll begin.'

'If you're ready, Serena?' Gadeth said.

'Of course I am.' _I hardly feel real._ She smiled at him breathlessly.

'My friends and brethren,' the minister intoned. 'We are met here to observe the marriage of Gadeth Aran Finn and Serena Sh - Sch - I'm sorry, my dear, what is this?' He tapped the card in his hand.

'Serena Scherazade Schezar,' Serena said, mentally cursing her parents' choice of middle names. At least Allen had avoided any alliteration.

'Serena Scherazade Schezar,' the minister repeated. 'These two are come together by God's will and the stars' light, to make their life together.' This was the old form of the Church of Asturia's wedding ceremony, chosen mainly because it was short and did not require elaborate preparations. It had a simple question-and-answer form that should not give Serena, who had very little idea what to expect, too many problems. 'If I could ask you to join hands,' he said, _sotto voce_ again, and guided their hands to each other, right with right, left with left, crossing between them. Gadeth's hands felt quite hot; Serena was sure her palms were wet. She felt enchanted now, as though they were casting a spell with the ritualised words and movements, standing in a magic circle where nothing could touch them.

'Do you, Gadeth, promise faithfully to be a loyal and loving husband to Serena, and to do your duty by her for the rest of your life?'

Gadeth tried to speak and had to cough before he could get it out; 'Yes, absolutely.' He was looking at her now with something like pleading. _He's crossed over now and he needs me to do it too; he can't stay alone. What a moment of suspense_

'Do you, Serena, promise faithfully to be a loyal and loving wife to Gadeth, and to do your duty by him for the rest of your life?' _In just a second I will say it and I'll have crossed over too how can just saying 'yes' make me married? The words are only on top of how we already feel. Gadeth looks scared, I'd better hurry up._

'Yes. Yes, I do.' She gave his hands a squeeze to assure him that she had only been thinking it over, not hesitating.

'With these rings I bind you to your promise and to each other.' The minister held out the two rings, mismatched, Gadeth's a thick silver signet, Serena's an old gold circle almost worn through at one side. They had been chosen for the fit rather than their appearance.

'Let go with your right hand,' Gadeth murmured. With their right hands, they reached out and took the rings; now letting go with the left hands, they put the rings on one another's fingers. They went on easily, the metal shining with wear, not polish.

'Then you are married, by God's will and the stars' light. Be good to each other and be happy. Jeture bless you.' The minister stood back and folded his hands. There was an expectant hush.

'Is that it?' Serena asked, trying to speak without moving her lips.

'Hold on a second,' Gadeth replied the same way. Mrs Finn came up behind Serena; Gadeth's father approached behind him, and reaching up, they put small garlands of apple leaves on their heads. This part of the ceremony was local folk religion, not from the Church, but it was generally held to be shocking bad luck if the new couple were not crowned by an older pair, with many healthy children, in this way, and no-one wanted that. The Finns stepped back again, and the onlookers let out a sort of collective sigh of satisfaction.

'Right,' Gadeth said. 'Now that's it.'

'Really?' _I've never seen him look so happy. Or so relieved._

'Really. Except the kiss.'

The kiss went on to the point where people began to laugh, and someone called out 'Cold water!'

_It only feels strange because we were private for so long and now it's public out in the stars' light and really, I'm happy to have them see. I have a husband; a _wonderful_ husband._

The Awamut Pipe and Brass Band struck up the Wedding Reel; the barn doors were thrown open again and the Apple Dance resumed, music and light flying up in the night sky, where winter's stars were rising.

Allen closed his book with a thump and stared around the library. It was like being in suspended animation. Waiting for Millerna, waiting for his position to be defined, waiting to know what on earth he was meant to be doing. The crew of the _Crusade_ had been living in the guest quarters of his house for the last couple of months, and he was in danger of losing some housemaids. No new orders came; it was as though they had been forgotten. He suspected Millerna was behind that, thinking she was doing him a favour. They were getting out of training, undisciplined. He did the best he could with them but it was difficult without Gadeth, who was better at yelling, and it was doubly difficult to motivate the men when he had no motivation himself. It was like being one of the old feudal lords, maintaining a militia at his castle, except that he felt absurdly like a princess in a tower at the same time.

He kept worrying about Serena; he had decided to let her choose for herself, and he meant it, but that didn't mean he had to like her choices. It was protective jealousy, he supposed - it infuriated him to think of how Gadeth was using her. Perhaps he didn't think of it like that, it seemed that he truly cared about her, but still, it wasn't right. Serena had lost her childhood; he would have liked to let her keep her innocence a while longer. How long could Gadeth's interest last? They were a perfect mismatch, as far as he could see. It made slightly less sense than his own infatuation with Hitomi, and that, thank goodness, had passed before he had been able to do anything stupid. It was just wrong that Serena should be the object of anyone's lust.

Natal, the owl, hadn't been around for days. The heatwave was over, and the weather was getting bad, chilly rain during the day and window-rattling gusts at night. If Millerna was still dead set on a Grand Canal wedding, they would probably have to wait until spring for a decent day for it. More waiting. How could she be happy to wait? She didn't need him enough. No-one seemed to need him for anything at the moment.

There was a light tap at the door.

'Come in,' he said, absently, staring at the cover of the book and wondering if it was worth opening again. Whoever it was entered quietly and approached his chair from behind; leaned on the back of it to look over his shoulder.

'_The Queen of the Moon_? You do like sentimental stories'

'Serena?' He leapt up, found her smiling at him over the back of the chair and hugged her hard. Her hair had grown longer while she had been away, and she must have been enjoying the false summer, because she had acquired a crop of freckles across her nose and cheeks. She looked so much healthier than she had before, always pale and tired; it wasn't merely that her colour was better and her eyes brighter. Her whole manner was of a person who feels well in herself.

'I've missed you,' she said. 'Have you been having fun without me?'

'Nothing like it. You look as though you've been enjoying yourself, though.'

'I've been so happy. And I have some wonderful news, too. Look.' She raised her left hand between them, showing Allen the backs of her fingers.

'What am I looking for?'

'The ring, stupid.'

Allen stared at the gold ring on her third finger, unable to think what it might mean. It was a simple band with a double line engraved right round it. It looked new.

'I'm married,' she said, and smiled a smile full of secrets. 'I've married Gadeth. It was kind of a rush, or I would have asked you to be there, but it was just the right time, and I thought you wouldn't mind too much when I explained Allen, don't look like that.'

'I can't believe you didn't tell me you were getting married. I should have been there to give you away. Where did this happen anyway?'

'We were visiting his family in Awamut. It was three days ago. I - I'm sorry, but you know how sometimes things start to go perfectly, spontaneously, and if you try to hold them up for anything it'll all go wrong?'

'Well well, it's good that you're married. It shows that he's serious, doesn't it? I only hope you won't end up regretting it.' Serena pulled her hand away indignantly.

'Thank you so much. Congratulations would have been nice, but really, "I only hope you won't end up regretting it" is so much more heartfelt. I shouldn't have come; I can't talk to you without getting angry!' She looked as though she wanted to storm away, but didn't want to leave the room entirely. She settled for turning her back on him and going over to inspect one of the bookcases, tugging books out and slamming them back into line impatiently.

Allen could feel another tension headache coming on, radiating from a hot point just behind and above his left eye. He often had them these days; usually he could work through them, but sometimes they blossomed into fully fledged migraines, and he had to make an excuse and disappear for a while, lying in a dark room with a cold cloth on his forehead, willing the pain to go away, trying to somehow absorb the darkness and quiet around him. The excuse was important; he hadn't told anyone he was suffering from migraine. As far as he knew, there was no treatment for it beyond what he was already doing. The headaches were simply a sign that he was dealing badly with pressure. It wasn't unknown for people to suffer symptoms like this only after a war was over, when the buffer of adrenalin drained away; Millerna called it post-traumatic stress disorder and was setting up a charity to help people with it.

The headaches were so enervating that even the realisation one was coming on made him feel helpless. He looked at Serena's stiff, angry back and realised he wasn't even sure he wanted to say anything. _This is useless. What if I were in a battle? I can't stand here feeling vague, I've got to _do_ something._ Still, nothing occurred to him. The headache epicentre was swelling and twisting.

Serena turned suddenly, dashed towards him and flung her arms round his neck. Her cheek was pressed against his and he could feel tears.

'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I should have put it off till you could be there. It was just mean to make you miss it. And you would have enjoyed it, too, his family are so nice. It was wonderful to be with a family like that, a big _bunch_ of people who all love each other but I should have thought about my family.'

'Don't worry about it. We're not particularly good at being a family, are we?' The headache had started to lessen as soon as she hugged him; hugging her back was making it melt away fast.

'Well, we're out of practise. The important thing is to _learn_ from dumb things like this.'

'Right. So if you're not at _my_ wedding I'll take it very ill indeed.'

'Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything. When is it going to be?' She was letting go of him, looking up into his face.

'I don't know yet. I have to wait for Millerna to decide she's all ready. She's been extremely busy and it doesn't help that she hasn't been feeling well lately. She says it's just fatigue. Which to me means she should stop pushing herself so hard and let someone take care of her'

'Like you, for example.'

'Like me, for example, but she doesn't appear to think so and won't slow down.'

'I'm afraid that's what you get for wanting to marry a strong-minded woman.'

'I don't mind her being strong-minded. She should just remember that she may not be as strong physically. I don't want her to ruin her health trying to be all things to all people.'

'And have you told her so?' Serena asked. She swung herself up to sit on the library table, legs crossed under her like a wise monkey.

'Yes, repeatedly. I've varied the wording, I've said it nicely, crossly, loudly, quietly, and even with my mouth full at dinner. She just doesn't listen.'

'Oh. Well, I guess you have to be patient. If you love someone, you have to have faith that sooner or later, they'll do the right thing.' She made this pronouncement with an air of omniscience that made Allen smile.

'Where do you get that piece of wisdom?'

'Don't forget I'm a married woman, and therefore an expert on all matters of the heart.' She waggled her ring finger at him. 'No, actually I'm quoting Gadeth's Nanna, or perhaps I should say my grandmother-in-law. She kept giving me bits of advice for married life and that was one of the pithier ones. Certainly one of the more repeatable ones. Some of the others were rather earthy.'

'Where is The Husband, anyway? Even if I muffed congratulating you I feel I should say it properly to him.'

'He said he was going to go and say hi to the crew. We agreed I'd go and see you first and soften you up in case you got angry. Come on - you can shake his hand and give him the "take care of my little sister" speech.'

'I already gave him that before you went on your little holiday together.'

'Along with threats about pulling his arms off?'

'I _beg_ your pardon?'

'Never mind. Come on!'

Watching Serena and Gadeth together, Allen couldn't help feeling they seemed more of a couple than he and Millerna did, mismatched as he still believed them to be. The fact that Serena tended to wear Gadeth's clothes reinforced the impression, as though they had a shared identity. She seemed so comfortable in them; there was a freeness to her movements that made her remarkable to watch. People kept noticing her; it was strange to realise that his sister had turned into a beauty, without any of the accoutrements of his idea of beauty. She told him she was going to the bazaar to finally get some clothes of her own; she came back with shirts and trousers and a pair of truly alarming top-boots. She tied her hair in eccentric braids of her own invention and stuck flowers and leaves through them. Somehow it all looked right. As for Gadeth, Allen had never seen anyone more obviously in love. It made him feel thorougbly ashamed for misjudging him, but at the same time it was troubling to realise that he had managed to entirely hide the fact that he was falling in love with her in the beginning. Allen had been preoccupied, true, and he had not been expecting anything of the kind, but there he had misjudged him again. He felt he did not really know his friend any more. There was a distinct uneasiness between them, not a coolness but a space which they both felt uneasy about crossing.

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	5. Chosen and Unchosen

**Chapter Five**

_This is life - what a f***ed-up thing we do_

_What a nighmare come true_

_Or a playground if we choose_

_And I choose._

The Offspring, 'I Choose.'

Serena resumed training with the sword. It was a surprise to both Allen and Gadeth.

'I thought you didn't want to fight any more,' Gadeth said. He was sitting on a bench in the training yard Allen had set up in the house grounds in an effort to make things more military and remind the crew they weren't on vacation. 'I got the impression it really bothered you.'

'Well, I think I should overcome that,' Serena said. She was practising a sword drill. It was certainly good to watch, Gadeth thought. She had an unusual kind of focus; the movements were very smooth and controlled, but they were never too gracefully formalised, never just going through the motions. It wasn't just a woman copying the movements of a swordsman; you felt she meant it. 'Being afraid of something isn't a good reason not to do it. And this is something I can do _well_, if I just don't lose my nerve. Think about it, what else could I do in life? What am I trained for? I can't be a lady like my mother.'

'Nor would I want you to be.'

'Thank you. The world's changing. Everyone knows it; Cid knows it and he's, what, five or six? He said to me I should get involved. This is a way I can do that. And it will make things easier for us, too, won't it? When they call you back I can go with you.' She lowered the sword and smiled at him over her shoulder.

'You're assuming you'll be _allowed_ to do it. Sweetheart, if you turn up at a recruiting office and say you want to join the army, they're going to either laugh at you or yell at you for wasting their time.'

'I'm not planning to go to a recruiting office. I mean, why bother? My brother's going to marry the Queen. If I ask her nicely, I can get in wherever I want.'

'So you're going to take advantage of your family connections in a completely shameless manner to do something most people will really disapprove of?'

'Of course - what else are family connections for?' She was grinning now. 'Yay, nepotism! Come on - as if you're not going to benefit from being Allen's brother-in-law. If life gives you an opportunity like that, you don't turn it down out of some silly old sense of _ethics_, do you?'

'I can't believe this - I didn't know you were so amoral. I have to say I'm shocked and dismayed.' Actually, he was enormously impressed, although he couldn't have explained why.

'Which would be why you're grinning all over your face?'

'Yes, this is my shocked-and-dismayed face, which unfortunately looks exactly like my I-just-think-you're-so-neat-I-can't-believe-it face. It's caused a lot of confusion, even fist-fights.'

She sat down beside him. 'I think, if I go on with this, I could actually develop some self-respect. You don't know what a coward I felt like the whole time I was imprisoned. I just got demoralised. I felt as though I couldn't do _anything_, and all the decisions were someone else's. You'll laugh, but I've been developing a personal philosophy.'

'I won't laugh. Everyone needs something to believe in. So what's yours?'

'Well, I thought it would sound nice if I got it down into one snappy sentence, like "I think therefore I am." Something short and trenchant. Something I could put on a coat of arms if I ever got one.'

'Sounds good.' He nodded to encourage her.

'So my personal philosophy, my motto, my conceptual continuity if you will, and I'm sure you will, is this. Ahem. "I choose."' She looked at him expectantly. 'What do you think?'

'It's good. It's very good. It covers a lot of things. And it suits you. Matches your eyes.'

'Thank you. I think I've really narrowed it down to what's important. Because' she looked pensive for a moment, although a moment ago her manner had been half-jokey. 'Because all the best things in my life have been because I made a choice, I took the decision into my own hands and enforced _my_ will. I chose to come back to this life, to be myself again - Dilandau gave up and I went for it. And I chose you, of course. That was a good one. I don't mean I think I should get my own way all the time, or not consider what other people want, especially you, just that - do you know what I mean?'

'I think I do.'

'Good.' She leaned against him, putting her head on his shoulder. 'And I choose to train, to get stronger, to make myself able to help people and protect them. Dilandau was just a weapon because he couldn't choose to be anything else. This is the opposite.'

'Really?' said Millerna. 'Well, good for her!'

'I suppose so,' said Allen. 'She made me quite a speech about why it was important to her. And she is capable, of course.'

'She proved that with Dilandau,' Millerna said. She twisted to look Allen in the eye; it was her turn to use him as a cushion, sitting behind her on the window-seat in her sitting-room. They were watching the grey autumn rain. 'And you don't mind?'

'Would it make any difference if I did?' he said, a little ruefully. 'I certainly don't have any authority over her any more, and Gadeth seems to think it's a fine idea. What am I going to say? I forbid it? She's dead set on this course of action and my disapproval would only upset her without making her change her mind.'

'Poor boy,' Millerna said. 'We do bully you, don't we?' She paused thoughtfully. 'Actually, this ties in with something I've been thinking about. I was wondering what to do but this might be a solution.'

'What is it?' Allen asked. She got up and went to her desk, which these days was always piled high with papers and books. This was only one of her desks, of course - she used her father's council chamber for most business, and the desk litter in her own rooms was just the business she chose to bring home and worry about at night. After some poking about, she found a blue folder stamped with the words 'Knights of Heaven.'

'Now you know, don't you, that your order was depleted by the war,' she began. 'Three positions are open, since Toren Barr, Maskelyne Prosser and Lord Methven were killed. New appointments have been a low priority, what with everything else - and one place, I'm fairly sure, will just go to Lord Methven's son Mica. He deserves it.'

'I agree, he's a very brave young man,' said Allen. 'Just the sort we need.' He thought he knew what was coming.

'Do you mean you're offering me a commission?' Serena said, incredulous. 'As a Knight of Heaven?'

'If you want it,' Millerna smiled. 'Of course, you will have to pass certain physical tests, and satisfy the other members of the order as to your suitability. But you'll have my voice in your favour, and Allen's, naturally. I think your chances are very good. You want to serve Asturia. This is an excellent opportunity.'

'Well, I - I mean - I'm not sure what to say. Thank you, obviously!' She sat back, feeling stunned. People shouldn't give you news like this over dinner; suddenly she had butterflies in her stomach, and they were only on the soup course.

'And you can do that?' Gadeth asked. 'I think she's qualified, goodness knows, but is it really possible for a woman to be a knight?'

'It's not only possible, it's precedented,' Millerna said. 'People assume that traditions have always been the same, but in fact some things we think of as status quo are comparatively new. I've been researching the history of the Order of Heaven, and there are some fascinating stories. Here's a good example: four hundred and fifty years ago, twin sisters, Luca and Loreto Vander, led a successful resistance to an invasion from Fanelia. They not only drove out the invading army, but secured several territories for Asturia that had previously been debated - that was what had precipitated the invasion. They weren't knights to begin with, but the daughters of the commander of a garrison near the border. When their father's troops were decimated and he was killed, they simply took over from necessity. They organised a guerrilla campaign which completely routed the Fanelians. The sisters were knighted by a grateful monarch and served the Order for the rest of their days - in fact, Loreto married a fellow Knight of Heaven, who you might be interested to know was named Schezar. So Serena has precedent and merit on her side, and even family tradition. She's already performed a major service to the crown. It's almost a _fait accompli_.'

'Gosh,' Serena said. It wasn't an intelligent response but it was the best she could muster. 'Allen, did you know we had ancestors like that?'

'Only vaguely,' Allen said. He was very quiet tonight, gentle and smiling but almost silent. Serena would have paid more attention if she had not been so overwhelmed at the thought of her knighthood. Millerna noticed, and worried.

'So there they are,' said Millerna. 'Your warrior ancestresses.' Luca and Loreto's portrait hung in a small gallery of the palace devoted to the Order of Heaven. It was not a big canvas, and being painted in the stylised manner of four centuries ago, did not give a very clear idea of what they had looked like individually. The artist had given them both pale ovals of faces, serene and strong. They were not identical twins; Loreto's hair was straight and dark brown, while Luca's was more gingery and wavy. They had been in their thirties when the portrait was made, veterans by that time. Luca sat on a chair with a shield propped against it, while Loreto stood with her left hand on the chair's back, her right hand on the hilt of her sword. The uniform of the Knights had been redesigned a few times since those days but blue and gold had always been prominent. They were splendid, powerful, graceful.

'It was unusual in those days for women to be pictured without their children,' Millerna said. 'Loreto had four who survived, and two that died in infancy. Luca never married, although it appears from some letters she wrote that she had an unhappy love affair that put her off men. I'll get you those letters from the library, and Loreto's journals. They make very interesting reading, all about their lives as knights and ladies. What do you think?'

Serena was gazing at the portrait, her hand over her heart. It was illuminated by a dusty gold sunbeam coming through a skylight, making the rich old colours of the oil paints glow like jewels.

'It's so good to feel that how I am came from somewhere,' she said softly. 'That it isn't just residue from being Dilandau. When I piloted Scherazade, I felt as though I belonged there, as though it was in my blood. And they prove it.'

'Inheritance is a strange thing, isn't it?' said Millerna. She moved on to look at a picture nearby. They were alone in the echoing gallery. It had the kind of quiet that made you feel removed from the world; a room devoted to history, separated from the present and immune to the future. 'Take a look at this gentleman. He's Loreto's husband - Allen Schezar II.'

'I didn't know he was an Allen too.' Serena followed Millerna and took a look at her ancestor. It was remarkable how unlike the eighth Allen he was: a heavyset man with plain brown hair and eyes, although the eyes did look kind. He had a ruthless air that went oddly with those eyes. One felt that he would always be good to those he loved, but would cut down his enemies with relish. He would probably need to be like that to be Loreto's husband.

'No offense,' Millerna said, 'but I feel the family features have improved.'

'None taken, I agree,' said Serena, chuckling. 'We're a bit of a strange family to get involved with, but at least the branch you're marrying looks nice. Your children should be beautiful.'

'I'm sure they will,' Millerna said, but she didn't sound confident. 'Oh dear.' She put her hand against the wall, not quite leaning on it but not steady on her feet.

'What's the matter?' Serena asked. 'Don't you feel well? Allen says you've been overdoing it. You've really got him worried, you know.'

'I think I'm going to be sick,' said Millerna. 'I've I've had some stomach trouble lately. Oh no. I'm really going to be sick.' She was white in the face, swallowing hard.

'Don't panic! Hold on.' Serena looked around desperately, found a vase standing in a niche between paintings, grabbed it and got it under Millerna's mouth just in time. She tried to hold the princess' hair out of the way with her free hand. 'It's all right. Just let it go. It's all right.'

'Oh God,' said Millerna wretchedly, sniffing. 'I hate it when this happens. I take drops for it but they're not helping any more.' She gagged again, but this time nothing came up. 'I think I've finished.'

'Poor you,' Serena said. 'You must feel rotten. Don't keep looking into the vase, it'll make you feel sick again.'

'This vase is five hundred years old,' Millerna said. 'It's porcelain from Freid. It was a wedding present on the marriage of Efud the Third to Aia the Fair, and I've been sick into it.'

'There you go, it's a pot fit for a princess,' Serena said, trying to be cheerful. 'If we rinse it out straight away there shouldn't be any harm done. Don't cry, Millerna - it wasn't your fault, I was the one who grabbed it.'

'I - I can't stop,' Millerna moaned. A loud, choking sob escaped. 'It's not about the vase, I know it can be washed, it's just - oh God, I can't tell _anyone_ but they'll find out!' She dropped to her knees on the tiled floor and hid her face in her hands. Serena stood holding the vase, not sure what to do with it. In the end she put it carefully on the floor and knelt by Millerna, putting an arm around her shoulders.

'You can tell me,' she said. 'Whatever it is, I'll try to help you. You were so good to me when I was sick, it's the least I can do. Besides, you're going to be my sister. Please tell me what's wrong.' She patted her pockets and managed to find a handkerchief. 'Come on, wipe your eyes and blow your nose.'

Millerna obeyed, and sniffed and gulped a little before she could summon speech. When she did speak, it was such a low, hoarse squeak that Serena couldn't understand her.

'I'm sorry I didn't get that'

'I said I'm pregnant.'

'Are you _sure_?'

'I know I am. At first I thought I'd missed a period because I was under stress; that can happen, but then the morning sickness started and I just _feel_ pregnant. I can tell it's growing inside me. It doesn't really show yet but it will soon. I thought about trying to make myself have a miscarriage but I just couldn't bear it and I was afraid I might do too good a job and put my own life in danger. There's nothing I can do and it's only a matter of time before I can't hide it. Even if Allen and I got married straight away it would still be born too soon, because it took me a couple of months to be sure, and people would guess.' She wiped her eyes again and wadded the handkerchief up in her fist. Serena put her other arm round her and hugged her tight.

'Allen does it again, huh?' she said bitterly. 'Do you want me to break his legs for you, or anything?'

'It's not Allen's fault,' Millerna said huskily. 'He doesn't even know.' She gently put Serena's arms away from her.

'Well, he damn' well _should_ know. And it is his fault, at least half his fault. You'd think he'd have learned something from the last time. You're engaged anyway; why couldn't he wait until you're married?'

'You don't understand,' Millerna said. 'We _are_ waiting until we're married. Allen didn't make me pregnant. It was nothing to do with him.'

'But - but then how can you be?' Serena was lost.

'It's Dryden's child,' Millerna said. 'It's so awful. I think Allen thinks I never slept with him. We've never talked about it. But we were _married_! And I didn't know what was going to happen. For all I knew I was going to be married to Dryden for the rest of my life. And we had a duty - I know that sounds stupid, but we did, we had to produce an heir. I was going to have to get used to it anyway. And and everything was so hard then and he wanted to comfort me. He was really kind to me. He was a _good_ husband. He just wasn't the right husband for me. I wish so much that we hadn't, but I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.'

She smoothed the crumpled handkerchief out on her lap and folded it corner to corner. 'Perhaps perhaps I was trying to get revenge on Allen for loving Marlene first for Cid and for falling in love with Hitomi. If I had felt sure of him, sure he loved me, I could have waited, I would have told Dryden I didn't want to, but as it was' Her voice trailed off and she gazed blankly at the white triangle.

Serena took her hand. 'Look at me.' Millerna did, unwillingly, and met Serena's eyes, fiercely bright.

'If you just tell Allen that,' she said, 'tell him just the way you told me now, he will understand. He'll forgive you. He loves you. And if he doesn't understand, I'll kick his ass till he does. You haven't done anything worse than he did. In fact, you did better, you were married to Dryden at the time and he wasn't promised to anyone else. You have a right to have this baby.'

'I don't even really want to,' Millerna said. 'I'm only fifteen and a half. I won't be sixteen till spring. I wish it would just go away. I'm not ready to be anyone's mother.' There was real despair in her eyes. 'Serena, would you hit me? Punch me really hard in the stomach. I'm sure that would do it. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, you would just be helping it happen. I can't do it to myself. I just can't stand to. I keep going riding and taking hot baths and lacing my stays tight, but it's not enough. _Please_ help me get rid of it.'

'There's no way I'll do that,' Serena said. She was appalled. 'And you shouldn't ask me to. You could damage yourself forever - what if when you wanted to have children you couldn't? What if you and Allen could never have a baby together? If there was a _safe_ way, certainly they probably could have done it in Zaibach, they had operations for everything.'

Millerna began to cry again. 'I can't tell him,' she said. 'I just physically can't say the words to Allen. It's so awful trying to be normal with him when I want to tell him and I can't _speak_.'

'If you really can't, I'll tell him. I'll come with you to our house and we'll tell him together. I promise you, Millerna, it's going to be all right.'

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	6. Headache and Cold

**Chapter Six**

Rain was roaring down all around Allen, pouring on his head and shoulders, soaking him, but he could hardly feel it. The worst pain he could remember was stabbing through his left eye, a silver spear in his brain. He couldn't walk any further; his legs were shaking. He was somewhere in the garden; there was a tree ahead of him, and he sank down at its base, felt muddy grass under his hands and knees, curled into a ball with his arms over his head. The pain was too bad for words or tears; it was worse than being hit on the head, stabbed in the belly, anything. It filled his whole body. A sort of hoarse panting groan was coming steadily from his lips but he was not conscious of making the sound; it was just part of him.

A blow fell on his shoulders, a rough slap. He was rolled over and Serena grabbed him by the lapels, glaring into his face, rain streaming from her hair.

'You can't run away from this!' she yelled. 'You can't leave her there after she told you something like that!'

He couldn't answer yet; the migraine was blinding him and the black misery was binding his throat.

'If you love her, go back and hear her out! She needs you.'

'No-one needs me for anything!'

'Bullshit!'

'They don't! Look at what's happening! I'm redundant as a knight. Cid is ashamed of me. You have your own life, Hitomi chose Van, and Millerna not only married Dryden, she let him - she let him - I can't stand to think about it and I can't stop!' She let go of him and he sank down again, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block the pain, trying to push the spear out from the inside.

'Bullshit,' Serena said again, more gently. 'She loves you. So do I. I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for you. Why do you think I wanted to come back? Who else was there for me to come back to? If there wasn't you I would have died as Dilandau and that would have been the end of it. Don't ever think I don't need you.'

'Millerna doesn't,' he said. 'This must be why she's been putting off the wedding she doesn't want to be with me at all, but she doesn't have him to turn to. She'd be happy with him.'

'You're just saying that to make yourself feel worse,' Serena said. 'You know it's not true. Dryden is a nice person but I've seen her with him, and I've seen her with you, and she _never_ looks at him the way she does at you. She's married to you in her heart already. She feels like she's betrayed you.'

'Good,' Allen said bitterly. 'She has.'

'Will you _stop_!? What do you want to do now?'

'I don't know. Leave. Go back to the swamp and never see her again. Kill myself, perhaps.'

'Suicide is for losers,' Serena said. 'And if you say something like "then it's for me" I'll save you the trouble, all right? You're the only person who can make her happy and she's the only person who can do that for you. Things have gotten messed up so you have to fix them. I want you two to be as happy as me and Gadeth. You're _not_ the loser in this, Allen! You've won her! If she wanted to be Dryden's wife would she ever have let him go away? Would she be sitting back in there crying her heart out because she's made you unhappy? She's crying because she thinks you won't love her after this! You've won, so go back and take care of her and remember how bloody lucky you are!' She glared at him, breathing hard. 'And stop making me stand out in this rain yelling at you or we'll both catch our death of cold and you'll be no good to her at all!'

Allen's face was crumpling; the tears were coming through now. 'He got to make love to her,' he said. 'He's held her and known her in every way and all I can do is make her cry.'

'Idiot,' said Serena, and hugged him fiercely. 'Just go back and tell her you love her. Start from there.'

They returned to the house together. The french doors to the library were still swinging, as Allen had left them when he stormed out, and rain was pattering in and wetting the carpet. Millerna was sitting on the floor weeping bitterly; Gadeth had come in after hearing the yelling and was crouching uncertainly by her, patting her hand and saying 'But what's wrong? Where have they gone?' He looked up as they came in and asked 'What have you been _doing_ to her? She can't even speak.'

Millerna tried to say something which came out as 'heurk.'

'See?' Gadeth backed away as Allen came closer, dropping to his knees in front of Millerna.

'Millerna? Angel, it's me. P-please look at me.' She looked at him through her fingers, her eyes pink and swimming. His head was still pounding, but he managed to smile. Millerna gave another enormous sob and flew at him, locking her arms round him and gasping incoherently; she was simply too worked up to make sense. Allen held her and rocked her gently, tears seeping down his face.

'I _really_ don't understand what's going on,' Gadeth complained.

'Ssh! Let's go.'

'But what's _happen_'- Serena bustled him out of the room and shut the door, then applied her ear to the keyhole.

'Shove over,' he said. 'If you're going to eavesdrop I am too.' She made room for him and shushed him again.

'Could I just have a _quick_ summary of what they're crying about?' he whispered.

'Millerna's pregnant from when she was married to Dryden and we just told Allen.'

'Shee-yit.' Gadeth's eyes widened.

'That's what I thought. They're not talking yet, are they?'

'I can't hear anything. You're soaking, you know.'

'I'm bloody cold.'

'I can see that.'

'Ssh!' She gave him a poke in the arm. The only audible sound from the library was sniffing, growing quieter as the unhappy lovers calmed down.

'I'm sorry I reacted as I did,' Allen said, almost too quietly to hear. 'It hurt very much to hear it. I'm sorry I called you that name.'

'I'm just so glad you came back,' Millerna said. 'I don't care about the rest of it. What are we going to do?'

'Well,' he said, slowly, 'I think we should marry sooner rather than later. I know you wanted to make an occasion of it for everyone, but it will still be special to us, right?'

'Do you really still want to?'

'Yes, if you do.'

'_So_ much.' They were silent again for a while, just resting, hearing one another breathe.

'I've given myself a headache crying,' Millerna said.

'Snap.'

'My poor brave knight.' She drew back a little and looked into his face, smoothing his wet hair away from his forehead. 'You're always so beautiful. I've never quite been able to believe you're all for me.'

'Please believe it. And believe I love you.'

'I believe you.'

'Damn, he's good,' Gadeth muttered on the other side of the door.

'Ssh,' Serena breathed. There was quiet now; she thought perhaps they were kissing. They were; just softly.

'What about when the baby is born?' Millerna asked. It was one of the hardest questions she had ever asked.

Allen was silent for a moment. He could not hide his sadness, showing in his eyes although he was trying to make his face kind. 'The Duke accepted my child as his own son. I hope I can be enough of a man to do the same. I love you; I want to be a father to your children.'

Serena bit her lip. 'That's so _lovely_.'

'Do you realise how warped it is to listen to your brother and his fiancée when they think they're alone? We're as bad as the kids under the couch.'

'Oh, shush. You're listening too. They've gone very quiet.'

'I admit I wanted to know what was going on, but there's such a thing as too much information.'

'Will you look through the keyhole or shall I?'

'Go on.'

Serena pushed his head away and put her eye to the keyhole. 'All I can see is the back of his head - hold on, he's moving round - yes, definitely kissing.' She straightened up with a smile on her face. 'Well, my work here is done. I think we can safely leave them.'

'And what if it had gone badly? Would you have stomped in and told them what they were supposed to do?' He was amused by her air of satisfaction.

'I don't know. I didn't have to find out, did I?' She looked down at herself. 'Eugh. I need dry clothes. Hot bath, then dry clothes before I get pneumonia.'

'Of course, he could get pneumonia too.'

'Let Millerna worry about him. He's her problem now.'

'Are you my problem?'

'It depends, do you want a very cold, soggy problem?'

'Oddly, yes. Let me try to warm you up.'

Winter was really digging its claws in. The canals were rimed with ice at the edges; some of the narrower ones were almost frozen over. The general mood in Pallas was subdued, even nervous. Basram was on everyone's minds, not because there had been any aggression or even suspicious activity from that quarter, but for precisely the opposite reason. There was no news of Basram at all; the country had closed its borders and was refusing all communication. Some people said, hopefully, that perhaps they were remorseful, or having internal troubles that would occupy them too much for them to be dangerous. Others said darkly that they must be up to something.

The news from Zaibach was sometimes encouraging, sometimes unnerving. Parties of scientists and political observers with military escorts had been despatched from Asturia, Freid and Fanelia; not that Fanelia exactly had scientists, but they had sent representatives to learn what they could. It seemed that there was a vacuum of government in Zaibach. No-one had taken over leadership; although in some areas, some government organisations, such as the electricity, water and sewerage boards, and about half the police force, were keeping running in a hand-to-mouth co-op fashion, with diminishing resources.

The cities were almost empty, as most people had returned to the rural areas, losing faith in technology as they lost the ability to maintain it. Those who remained in the cities tended to be diehards, heavily indoctrinated under the Dornkirk administration and still trying to make the old dreams come true, or the disaffected and delinquent, squatters taking over buildings and street gangs forming little nations of a few city blocks. The cities, of course, were the centres from which the observers could learn the most, but they were the most inaccessible and dangerous places to enter. Most of the observers were calling for a greater military presence to allow them to do their work, and at home, too, many people were talking about occupation.

'The problem is,' a man was saying in a pub - and which man and which pub were unimportant, because you could hear similar people saying similar things all over - 'we've got weak rulers. This alliance is led by youngsters hardly out of childhood - one of them _is_ a child. They won't take action - wouldn't know how. And while they're growing up, Basram is going to take over and none of us will be able to do a damn' thing to stop it.'

'Well, what could they do?' someone else asked. 'Basram has the ultimate weapon. No-one wants to work where they dropped it. They say there'll be a curse on anyone who goes into that area; it'll make them sick, and their children, and their children's children. They could drop another one of those on us any time they wanted to. We could probably find _something_ to fight them with in Zaibach but they're so slow finding anything out well, no wonder people are scared. _I'm_ scared.'

'A decent royal wedding would've cheered things up, but call that a wedding? I don't. The Queen doesn't know how to do things. Useless. Of course, it wasn't a moment too soon, and if you ask me that's very fishy. Her first husband, my eye. We've all heard the rumours about her new fellow. And there's a woman in the Knights of Heaven now. I don't care what she did, that just isn't right. We never had women knights before, and things were never this bad before. It's wossname, symptomatic.'

'Actually, there have been women knights before, some of them at times of great security and prosperity for Asturia,' someone pointed out. Everyone else looked at him irritably. They felt this sort of thing was uncalled for. 'And doesn't the Queen have a right to marry as she chooses? All right, it was a quiet wedding, and some people might have doubts about the groom, but no-one was killed. If you ask me that counts as a success.'

'Who paid you to come here and say that?' the first man muttered.

'No-one. I thought of it all by myself. But the level of debate here has gotten too intellectual for me, so I'll be saying goodnight.' The opinionated man got to his feet, paid his bill and left. Someone made a rude noise as the door closed behind him, and there was general laughter.

Outside in the street, the man tucked his hands into the sleeves of his coat and looked around him, his breath hanging in clouds in the air. He seemed to be waiting for someone. It was beginning to snow again, and flakes settled on his dark-brown hair. After about ten minutes, another figure appeared around the corner of the street, a short, broad, bulky man. They both carried heavy packs on their backs; in the dim evening light they looked like hunchbacks. They nodded to each other and began to walk together, in the direction the short one was already going. It was the road out of town.

'Took you long enough,' the taller man said peevishly. 'It's brass monkeys out here.'

'Why didn't you wait inside? You said you were going to wait inside.'

'The locals got too annoying.'

'Criticising your favourite person?'

'Valid criticism I wouldn't mind, but all they want to do is say she's too young and should have worn a fairy-princess wedding dress.'

'How is she now?' the squat man asked. 'Taking care of herself?' He blew on his hands; he was wearing fingerless gloves, which was, on the face of it, not the best choice for this weather.

'She says so. I write as much as I can but you know how touchy Allen is. If I show a natural interest in the wellbeing of the mother of my child, he gets his back up and tells me not to keep sniffing around her.'

'Well, of course he feels threatened. You got his wife pregnant. It's enough to make anyone territorial. _I _wouldn't like you if you got my wife pregnant.'

'There's a Mrs Mole?'

'Alas, I have never been blessed in that respect. I was speaking conjecturally.'

'Perhaps you're using the wrong mouthwash.'

They walked on for a while in silence, the snow crunching and squeaking under their feet. The evening was deepening into night, and the snowfall, which had only been a sprinkling anyway, was tapering off. The sky was about half clouded, but the stars that showed were unusually bright and clear. The two moons looked strangely close.

'You know,' Dryden said, 'if it were ever night-time here and there at the same time, we might be able to see the lights of their cities. It's impossible, of course, but it's something I'd quite like to see. Actually, I wonder if you could see them during an eclipse?'

'I can take it or leave it,' Mr Mole said cheerfully. 'There's enough on this world to keep me interested.'

'What were you doing all this week, anyway?'

'Just stuff.'

'One day I'm going to solve the enigma that is the Mole Man, you know.'

'Good luck trying. I'm not an enigma, I'm just a weird old fart who doesn't feel like explaining everything he does.'

There was another silence.

'Did I tell you that she's gotten more beautiful?'

'Repeatedly. But go on.'

'She has. She puts her hair up in these soft loops that sort of cuddle the back of her neck. I wanted to touch her hair the whole time I was talking to her. I'm glad I went to see her, even though Allen was growling at me the entire time. When I got her letter, all I could think was that some good came out of her and me together, anyway. Something was created, something that will go on living and changing the world after I'm gone, and hopefully won't think too badly of its old dad, despite the circumstances.'

'Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?'

'Either is good. It'll have to be a wonderful child with a mother like that.'

'But it's got your blood to screw it up as well. They might cancel each other out and it'll just end up normal.'

'A normal child? What a horror. We'd have to smother it and bury it at a crossroads. No child of mine is going to be normal if I can help it.'

'Where did you _park_, anyway? My feet are freezing.'

'It's just a little further on. You'll like it. It's Energist-powered, although there's a backup coal-fired steam engine for if there are any problems with that, and it's remarkable how it sort of puts its own road down in front of it. Revolving tracks. If we can get them into production locally we can make a fortune.'

'It's heartwarming how you're profiting from the collapse of Zaibach's miltary infrastructure.'

'It's getting the damn things into the country that's so difficult. I had to smuggle this over in parts and get it put together from blueprints by an unscrupulous blacksmith. And there it is.' He pointed to a dark shape off to one side of the road. 'Officially it's called a Hoplite but I'm trying to think of something that sounds better. Less hoppy.'

'Looks like a tin water tank,' Mole grumbled. 'With a plough on the front. What's that in aid of?'

'That clears our path.'

'It's too agricultural. I don't like agriculture. Leads to doings with sheep.'

'Well, if we see a sheep, you just warn me and I'll avert my eyes and think unsexy thoughts.' Dryden had to wrap his coat-sleeve around his hand to take hold of the metal door-handle in this weather; it was that or lose a layer of skin. He hauled the door open and climbed up. It was always freezing inside at first, but it would warm up once he got the little stove lit. He was making it homelike already, with a hammock slung from the ceiling and boxes of books and goods everywhere.

'It's a step down from your fleet,' Mr Mole opined, 'but it's not bad for a fresh start.'

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	7. We Meet Again

**Chapter Seven**

The three young leaders were not quite as inert as popular opinion held, or as inept. Many of the reconstruction projects were almost complete, and virtually all of the refugees had been resettled. It was with trepidation that they turned their attention away from home to the wide world outside. But decisions were obviously necessary; it had all been put off too long, and too much was unknown. A meeting was called in Pallas.

A storm was blowing up as Van's airship arrived in port, winds buffetting it so a safe landing was unpleasantly difficult. The ship was a small merchantman on loan from the Asturian navy, but a Fanelian crew had been trained, and they flew it successfully. Van took some pride in that as he sat in his cabin, waiting to hear that touchdown was complete. Meruru had done him proud, too, going into a frenzy of organisation, making up dossiers of all the information she could find that might be relevant to the summit, giving him colour-coded notes to refer to, assuring him again and again that she could keep things ticking over nicely for the few days he would be gone. He believed it; Meruru had become alarmingly efficient in the last couple of months. She was more than compensating for his own slight lethargy.

In the early days he had checked on Hitomi often, watching over her in her world, enjoying seeing her happy and busy. She almost always saw him, vision as he was in that place; their eyes would meet and that communication would be enough. But more and more, he'd come to see that there was no place for him in a world like hers. Hitomi he could understand, but her surroundings, the order of her life, were bewildering. She lived surrounded by machinery, especially strange devices for communication and reproduction of images, sounds, all sorts of information. Meruru would give her eye teeth to have some of those; he could see what people used them for but had no idea how they worked. Even in Asturia there was nothing so efficient and reliable; Zaibach might have had such technology but it was hard to tell now, the reports were so confused. She lived in a world where everything was made easy for her. No wonder she had wanted to go home; she would never want to live in a country where dragons roamed the forests and toilet facilities had not gotten much beyond the hole-in-the-floor-with-a-bucket-of-ashes stage. She would never want to come back.

_'__I'll never forget you. Even if I grow old.' That sounds like good-bye to me._ He had begun to check on her less often; some days he did not wear her pendant at all. He didn't love her any less but instinct told him to withdraw from a situation in which he could only be hurt. It was not as if the alternative felt much better. And now, going away, he had left the pendant behind in Fanelia, lying on his bedside table. That hadn't been a conscious decision - he just forgot about it when he was packing. He could not see her now if he wanted to. Perhaps he should give the pendant to Meruru; she had always liked it. Deep down he was disgusted with himself for forgetting it. Giving it away was the worst thought of all.

'Van-sama,' said the captain, looking round the doorway, 'we've arrived. An escort has come to meet you.'

A carriage was waiting a little way off from the ship. Through the flurries of snow gusting across the hillside landing bay, Van could see someone standing by it, someone in the uniform of the Knights of Heaven. _Did Allen come to meet me? Does he still dress that way now he's a king? Looks shorter than Allen._ He gave up trying to see through the snow, put his head down and walked doggedly through the flying white to the carriage.

'Welcome back to Pallas, Van,' said the knight. He looked up in surprise; that wasn't a man's voice. Opening the carriage door was Serena Schezar, dressed like her brother, her hair fastened with blue velvet bands and her nose and cheeks ruddy with the cold. She smiled at him a little uncertainly.

'Let me guess,' he said flatly. 'You're trying to turn back into a boy.'

'Not at all,' she said, stiffening. 'Just get in. I'm freezing my tail off out here and I just want to get home in front of a nice fire, your majesty.' Van climbed into the carriage, trying to knock the snow off his heavy fur jacket before sitting down. Serena climbed up and took the seat opposite him, pulling the door shut behind her and giving a whistle to the coachman. The carriage began to roll. Van folded his arms and studied her. She had, perhaps, grown a little taller, and there seemed to be more meat on her bones than the last time he had seen her.

'Seriously,' he said, 'why are you in that get-up?'

'It's not a get-up,' she replied. 'These are my clothes. Didn't you hear I got into the Order of Heaven?' She looked a little proud of herself.

'I suppose my secretary didn't mention it. She only gives me the important news.'

'Get you - a secretary. What does she do, send memos to the dragons?'

'She helps me run my kingdom, such as it is these days.'

'You're not going to make me feel guilty, you know,' she said. 'I'm truly sorry for what happened, but not guilty. You can just be as hostile as you want, because you know what, I don't care what you think of me. I'm doing something worthwhile with my life and _most_ people have accepted who I am.'

'Most people don't get a sick feeling every time they hear you mention fire.'

'Get your hand off it. My voice doesn't even sound the same and you know it.' Serena glared at him. Van turned his head to stare out of the window.

'Seriously, what is the point of hating me? And why are you Mr Frost all of a sudden? You seemed to be warming up a little last time I saw you. At the trial you didn't even seem to feel sure I was guilty. I know what this is, you've been shut up in your little kingdom _brooding_ on things for the last few months with no new ideas coming in and your head's got stagnant.' It was still a very striking head. He was wearing his hair shorter these days and his eyes were easier to see, dark and sullen. Van had the sort of face that could look appealing when sulky, although winter had made him sallow rather than tawny. Serena folded her arms over her chest and stared at him. They bumped along like that in silence for several minutes, descending into the city.

'Satisfy my curiosity,' she said eventually. 'Do you ever see Kanzaki Hitomi any more? Or Hitomi Kanzaki or whichever way round she puts her name?'

'What do you want to know for?'

'I just keep wondering about her. I never met her properly myself, but she had such an effect on everyone I know.'

'You met her,' Van said. 'When Allen was pretending she was his girlfriend, remember?'

'Uh-uh-uh, that was Dilandau. Of course, she affected him pretty deeply too. Very high on his Big Hate List, although you held first place on that. He was so hung up on you it was pathetic.'

'You seem to be hung up on making me talk to you.'

'Call me a masochist. But really, do you ever see Hitomi?'

'Not any more.'

'That's sad,' she said thoughtfully. 'You two seemed to be so tight. Although he doesn't say so directly, she passed up Allen for you. And Gadeth tells me stories. You two saved each other's lives more times than I can count. And now nothing?'

Van glared at her, but found nothing mocking in her look or voice. It was enough to make him wonder, to shake the strata of feeling that had built up over the thought of her. She might be right about the brooding.

'Is there no way you can get to see her?' she went on. 'You've been to her world, haven't you?'

'Only briefly. Visiting is out of the question. It's bizarre. I can understand her speech, but when I was there the first time I saw two of her friends - when they spoke, it was just mouth noises. I couldn't go there; I wouldn't be able to speak to anyone but her and people would realise there was something wrong about me. It would just be embarrassing and difficult for her.'

'I could teach you one of the languages they speak there,' Serena said. 'It's not the right one for where she lives, but it is a Phantom Moon language. That might get you somewhere. It's rather outdated language, of course - a few centuries out of style, but you could make people understand you if they knew English. I don't know if anyone still uses Latin, but I could teach you some of that too.'

'Why would you do that?'

'I don't know. Because I can.'

'When did you learn other languages, anyway?'

'I didn't - it's left over from Dilandau.'

'You see? That's what's so creepy about you. You've still got him in your head. All the things he knew and did. And you're still using them. You're holding onto that life.' He wasn't attacking her, just speaking honestly. It was what had bothered him all along.

'Look, if I can get _anything_ good out of losing ten years of my life, I'm going to. If I can take advantage of things Dilandau learned, I will. I've got to get on in life and I can't do that if I just reject all that experience and go back to being five years old.'

'I don't want to learn a language Hitomi doesn't even speak,' Van said.

'Fine then, it was just an offer.' Another stiff silence.

'Thank you anyway.' She looked at him curiously.

'You're welcome. I didn't mean to seem pushy. I have a tendency to think that all my problems are solved so I should start fixing other people's.'

'It certainly looks as though you have everything settled.'

'I keep wondering when it's all going to turn to custard.' She glanced out of the window. 'Nearly there. Cid's already arrived, with a lot of monks who seem to be helping him with everything. He's like a little abbot himself. I keep wanting to kidnap him and take him out to Awamut for a few weeks so he can just play with other children and remember how old he is. No-one should have to deal with things like this at his age. Or our age, for that matter.'

'But we can manage,' Van said. 'And if not us, who else?'

The carriage came to a stop in the palace stable yard. Serena climbed out first and held the door back for Van.

'There's no need to do that.'

'I'm a knight, of sorts, and you're a monarch. It's what we do. Do you need a break first, or would you like to meet with the others straight away?' She was leading him in through a back door. A middle-aged footman took Van's coat, carrying it away to brush the snow off properly. The gentility of the Asturian palace always made a strong impression on Van; half the time it made him feel a little shabby and countrified, and the other half it irritated him with its luxury. The mouldings around the doorway they had just come through were picked out with twiddles of gold paint. What was the point of that? Most interior doors in Fanelia were curtains, or heavy paper stretched over frames that slid on tracks. It wasn't that nothing was decorated, just that the style was more restrained, because form was always secondary to function. Serena, blasé about her surroundings, had pulled a handkerchief out of her sleeve and was blowing her nose quite loudly.

'I'm getting a cold,' she explained. 'I can feel it stealing over me. Your rooms are ready, so if you want refreshments or a change of clothes, just say the word.'

'No, I would prefer to meet the others straight away.'

'As you like.' She led him on through the palace, upstairs, past ornaments and furniture richer than anything in his kingdom, to a parlour where a fire was burning brightly in a wide fireplace. Seated around the fireplace were Millerna and Allen, Cid and two monks, one quietly passing prayer beads through his fingers. Millerna rose to greet Van. She was beginning to look pregnant now, wearing a looser dress that did not constrict the expanding curve of her belly. Van found he had to remind himself to look at her face and not her front. He couldn't help wondering if she had looked like that at her wedding, not that many people had been invited to see. Millerna had certainly made no attempt to deny that she was pregnant; she freely admitted who the father was and more or less dared the world to comment. Which it did, quite harshly in many cases.

Van had been expecting Serena to leave, since she was not directly involved and her manner had become mildly deferential, but she went straight over to the armchair Cid occupied and perched on the arm of it, and the two began to talk with some animation. She seemed to be a favourite aunt. The boy had looked quite sombre when they first entered the room, but his face lit up when Serena joined him. Allen was watching them with a sort of uncertain smile, as though he liked what he saw but did not want them to notice him watching.

'I hope you had a safe journey here,' Millerna said. 'The weather has been very disappointing.'

'It's really freezing in Fanelia,' Van told her. 'When I wanted to wash my face this morning I had to melt the ice in the jug first. It's the sharpest winter we've had for a long time.' He sat down in the only space available, next to the monks on the low sofa. The praying one paid him no attention, but the other monk smiled and nodded at him. He had a writing tablet, inkhorn and pen with him; probably planning to keep notes. Van wondered whether or not to open Meruru's portfolio that he was carrying. It might look like trying too hard.

Millerna rang for tea, then settled herself back in her chair, straightening her skirts around her. She looked at Allen briefly; he nodded very slightly, supporting her. A little glow of comfort and confidence came to her with his look.

'Since we're all together,' she began, 'we might begin to discuss the situation facing us.' The scribe-monk uncorked his inkhorn, dipped his pen and looked alert. Cid, who a moment before had been enthusiastically describing something to Serena with many gestures, sobered immediately and turned his full attention to his other aunt. Van put his hand on the folder in his lap, decided it _was_ trying too hard and put it on the bit of sofa between himself and the monk, who continued to move his lips soundlessly, the beads clicking slightly as he turned them.

'The people of our respective kingdoms are calling for decisive action in the matters of Zaibach and Basram,' Millerna said, 'and I believe they deserve it, for their peace of mind and future security. I believe, too, that we should not let the opportunity to benefit from Zaibach's technology slip through our fingers out of a superstitious fear of some malign influence still hanging over the former empire. We are, at present, weakened as we have never been before. Almost everything of the old, everything that protected us, has been stripped away or set at a disadvantage. Rather than the beginning of our fall, I wish to make this the an opportunity for a new rise - to grow in new directions.' She glanced out the window at the swirling snow in the darkening sky. 'When a huge old tree falls in the forest, many saplings struggle to grow up, drinking in the sunlight and rain as they never had a chance to do while its canopy sheltered them. As the trunk of the fallen tree decays and settles into the soil, more plants grow on it, drawing nourishment from it so that it still supports the life of the forest. It reminds me of the reconstruction work on the Grand Canal - the builders are using the broken stones from the ruins in their mortar.

'Because the falling of the great trees has been, for us, the loss of parents and beloved friends, naturally we have not immediately leaped up as the saplings do. We have taken our time to find our way, to secure our positions at home. Now it is time to plan for the future, and ensure that the forest grows tall once more, and is never razed.'

She stopped speaking. There was a silence in the room, interrupted after a moment by the entrance of a maid bringing in the tea-tray. Everyone was occupied for a few minutes with the business of pouring out, asking for milk or sugar, and settling themselves once again. Only the praying monk took no notice of the business around him.

'I don't know,' Millerna said, 'if my words have moved you as I would wish.'

'I thought they were wonderful,' Serena said warmly. 'Especially the forest metaphor. You sustained that really well.' She looked mildly embarrassed at the literary tone of her praise and took a sip of her tea. The steam from her cup was making her nose pinker.

'Your Majesty,' said the writing monk, 'I wish, if I may, to take your words home to our people, to show them with what a wise and gracious queen we are allied.' He sounded sincere.

'I would consider that an honour,' Millerna said. Her eyes met Allen's again; he was smiling, silently applauding her.

'You mean we've all got to grow up more - right?' said Cid. He had been looking a little lost during the talk of trees.

'That's right,' Millerna told him. 'And we need to decide specifically what to do about Zaibach and Basram, and to put our plans into action.'

Van cleared his throat. 'I don't see what we _can_ do about Basram. Personally, I'm very unwilling to fall back into militarism. If you prepare for war, you get war.'

'I don't think we can do anything about Basram _now_,' Serena said, 'which is why you really should look into Zaibach. I don't pretend to know all about every aspect of the technology developed there, but I can tell you that if you had floating fortresses, and could upgrade your melefs to the capabilities of Alseides or Oreades, using the production line facilities there, you would be much more secure. Think about how useful the Stealth Manteaux would be. I'm sure your brother, Van, would be happy to know they were being used to protect people, rather than being weapons of aggression.'

Van looked hard at her. Of course, that was why she was there; the expert on Zaibach. She sat there in the livery of a Knight of Heaven, balancing a teacup on her knee while she wiped her nose again, but for a moment his mind's eye clothed her in red and black. Was she too keen to have access to those kinds of weapons again?

'I've waited to say this until I could say it to you all together,' Serena went on, tucking her handkerchief back up her sleeve. 'I don't know what you will think about it, but since you asked for my opinion, as someone with experience, here goes. The people of Zaibach have been conditioned over many generations to trust and look up to a strong leader, an absolute ruler. They had such continuity and control from Lord Dornkirk that to many of them it must feel as though the world has ended now he's gone. That's another great tree that's fallen, if I can use your metaphor, Millerna. What I think you need to do is sort of transplant your power, or graft some of it to their root, so that as you grow as rulers, you can take in Zaibach as well. Not occupation so much as adoption. I really believe most people would be grateful to have strong government again. By all accounts life there now is chaos. If no new form of order is going to rise out of that, order imposed from outside is the only way.

'You see, I remember Zaibach in what a lot of those people will remember as the good times. It's true that there was not a lot of freedom but there was always certainty, and everyone was provided for by the state. We were told that we were the chosen people of destiny, that there was a special place in the world waiting for us, and that we would be the architects of our own glorious future. A whole nation was united in a dream. That was a very good feeling, that certainty and clarity of action.'

'Yes,' Van said. 'Isn't life simple when you know you're right all the time?'

'I didn't say it was right. I know it wasn't right,' Serena said irritably. 'Would I be sitting here with you now if I thought it was right? Jeez.'

'She's just trying to help,' Cid said to Van. 'Don't be mean.'

'Van's allowed to ask questions,' Allen said. 'This is his decision too.' It was the first time he had spoken up and it seemed to annoy Cid more. He folded his short arms over his chest and said 'I think you should listen to Serena, because she's been there and none of us have and she knows more about it than you do.'

'Actually, I have been to Zaibach,' Van said. 'I went twice during the war.'

'Only very briefly,' Allen reminded him. 'Serena has the memories of ten years of everyday life there.'

'Thank you for bringing that to my attention,' Van said, with an edge of sarcasm on his voice.

'I think what Serena has to say is very interesting,' Millerna said, 'but of course I understand Van's concerns about reviving that kind of mentality.'

'That's not what I was saying,' Serena protested. 'You won't get that kind of mentality just from giving them leadership. It depends what the leaders are like. Getting rid of the destiny propaganda would make a huge difference. Just getting people to live day by day, rather than always aiming for a goal in the stars, would make things better. But they can't do that without order and structure for their lives.'

'Who are we to impose order on them, anyway?' Van asked.

'Well, we're the people with order to impose,' Serena said. 'It's one of those "because we can" situations. You were saying earlier, if not us, who else? I'll tell you who else, Basram. I don't know what's going on there at the moment, but they must be interested, and they won't stay quiet forever. They'll move. Or one of the other nations. Everyone suffered losses. Everyone's got the opportunity Millerna's talking about.'

'But our situation is unique,' Millerna put in, 'because we are three nations united in purpose. Or we should be. Surely you can see the sense in what she's saying.'

'I think you planned this before I got here,' Van said. 'You know Cid will go along with it because he's a child and your nephew besides, and you got your arguments all worked out together so you could stonewall me when I arrived. Talk about a monstrous regiment of women.'

'We didn't,' Millerna said, at the same time as Cid exclaimed 'I will _not_!' and Allen said 'That kind of attitude will get us nowhere.' Serena was opening her mouth to say something angry too when the praying monk suddenly thrust out one hand, palm forward, in a motion that said 'stop' to all of them. There was a hushed pause as they all stared at him, waiting for him to move again or speak.

'Brother Arctu has chosen a life of silent meditation,' the writing monk explained. 'He speaks aloud only when there is something that must be said. Peaceful harmony is sacred to him and it pains him deeply to sense the disruptive energy of angry voices.'

'He came to hear what we were going to say,' Cid said, looking a little shamefaced. 'He said he thought it was important.'

'These were the first audible words he had spoken for fourteen years,' the writing monk added.

Brother Arctu looked around at all of them. He had slightly watery hound-dog eyes, with an expression of reproachful placidity. He held each of them with his gaze for a moment, then softly closed his eyes and resumed his silent prayers.

Millerna took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. 'I think we have all heard a great deal that we need to consider carefully before making any decisions. In any case, it is getting close to dinner-time. I hope that this can be an agreeable social visit, as well as an occasion to accomplish business, and that our conversation at table tonight can be untroubled by these considerations.' She smiled at them all, brightly. Van was still disgruntled but he knew better than to deliberately upset a pregnant woman.

'I'm sorry about my attitude,' he said. 'I want to protect our countries as much as anyone.'

'No apology is necessary, Van,' Millerna said, although Serena looked mollified. 'Perhaps we should all go our own ways, and rest and refresh ourselves before meeting again for dinner. I'm sure that will help us to see things in perspective. Let's not discuss this again until morning, when we have had a chance to sleep on it.' She rose, and immediately Allen was on his feet too, offering her his arm, seeing her gently out of the room. That seemed to be it for the moment. Van looked at the portfolio between him and Arctu and wondered precisely how much use it was going to be. It would be a shame if all Meruru's careful work was for nothing. He would have to read it all through again and see what he could find. Cid turned to Serena and said eagerly 'Will you show me the treasure box?'

'All right,' Serena said. 'We can look at it before we have to dress for dinner.' She turned to Van. 'I'll send the housekeeper to show you where your rooms are.'

'Thank you,' he said. The woman knight and the boy monarch left the room hand in hand. The writing monk wiped his pen on a cloth, corked up his inkhorn and sighed.

'Well, that was interesting,' he said. 'I'm Brother Ailo, by the way. It's an honour to meet you, Van-sama.'

'A pleasure,' Van said. 'Listen, how do you think all this is going to turn out?'

'Oh, we're all going to die,' Brother Ailo said confidently.

Van looked at him aghast. 'I don't think it's _that_ bad,' he said.

'No, taking the long view, we are definitely all going to die,' said the monk. He had a wry smile. 'It's what we do before then that matters, if anything we do can be said to really matter in the greater scheme of things. I always find that helpful to keep in mind. If you'll excuse me, even monks have to answer the call of nature.' He got up and left the room. Van was alone with the silent Brother Arctu. The room seemed to get quieter with every passing minute.

'Um. Thank you for what you did before,' he said. Brother Arctu smiled, but of course didn't say anything.

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	8. At the Bazaar

**Chapter Eight**

The contents of the treasure box were laid out on the bedspread in Serena and Gadeth's room. It was not exactly their place, only a spare bedroom that they used when it was more convenient for everyone for them to be at the palace rather than at the Schezar estate (which the crew of the Crusade were now referring to as Fort Schezar). Gadeth always complained about the canopy and curtains on the bed, saying he had spent enough time sleeping in tents during basic training and it was just weird to have a tent inside a room. Today he was out with the crew, running them through manoeuvres, trying to pull them back into condition. Serena found herself missing him whenever there was a lull in her thoughts; a very specific loneliness popped forward and got her attention. It helped to focus on other things, like entertaining Cid. Besides, he would be back late tonight.

'And this,' she said, proud of knowing the word, 'is a ceedee which I found on a stall in the bazaar. It's a recording of music, but we don't have the right kind of music box to play it. And these marks on this side are English letters. They say "The Beatles - Help!"'

'What does that mean?' Cid asked. He turned the ceedee carefully over in his hands, admiring the rainbows on its surface.

'I have to admit I have no idea. "Beatles" isn't even a real word, unless it's a mistake for "beetles," which means bugs. And I'm not sure why they want help either.'

'Maybe it's a distress signal, like a message in a bottle, and if we could play it we could find out where to find them,' Cid said.

'Maybe. But we can't. Poor old Beatles - they'll just have to help themselves.'

'I hope they're all right,' Cid said. 'I hope they sent more than one message and someone found one who could do something about it.'

'I want to know how insects managed to make a ceedee, anyway,' Serena said. Cid put the disc carefully back on the bed and picked up another item.

'What's this?'

'I'm afraid I don't know. I just bought it because I couldn't tell what it was, so I hoped it might be from the Phantom Moon. It's made out of plastic, which was invented in Zaibach forty-odd years ago, but there was never anything like that in the Zaibach shops.'

Cid looked at the object in his hands. 'It's really weird-looking, whatever it is.'

'I know. Isn't it neat?'

'Why do you collect all this stuff?' Cid asked, putting down the unidentifable object and picking up a very small watch on a cunning strap like a belt that let you buckle it round your wrist instead of hanging it on a chain. Unfortunately, it had stopped ticking, and Serena couldn't find any way to wind it up again. There was a crown on the side to adjust the position of the hands, but not one to wind the spring, if there was a spring. 'Hitomi had one kind of like this, I saw her wearing it.'

'I'm not sure why I collect it. It's just interesting to me. I like to wonder what these things are really for, and what the people's lives are like who use them, and who these ones used to belong to. And sometimes I just wonder why _anyone_ would want them, like this.' She picked up a troll doll and waggled it at Cid. 'Who in the world would want something like this? Who in the world would make it?' She tickled his nose with the troll's tuft of bright green hair. He laughed and grabbed it.

'No-one in the world, that's the point. It's another world.'

'Yeah, well, if I ever get to go there I'm taking that doll, and the first person I see, I'm going to shove it under his nose and say "Explain!"' They both laughed at that.

'I bet Hitomi can explain it, if she ever comes back,' Cid said. 'I really hope she does. I want to show her how we're fixing things up in Freid.'

'I'd just like to meet her,' Serena said. 'Oh well. Listen, we'd better get scrubbed up for dinner.'

'It's going to be horrible,' Cid said. 'I bet Van'll be glaring at everyone again. He's really grumpy.'

'You never know,' Serena said. 'Maybe he'll cheer up when he smells food. Anyway, you and I will have fun. So buck up and get ready - I need you to be my partner tonight.'

'I can't believe you're replacing me with a six-year-old,' Gadeth said from the doorway. Serena sprang off the bed.

'What are you doing back?' she cried, and ran to hug him.

'The weather got too bad to keep going,' he said. 'We almost didn't get back to the city, and it was much too far to go back to camp. There I was trudging through the snow, mile after mile, all the while thinking my dear little wife was waiting faithfully for me at home, and a handsome prince has stolen her heart.'

'You great twerp,' she said, and kissed him.

'Yuck!' said Cid. 'Mush!' He stuck out his tongue and grinned at them.

'That's enough out of you, mister blister - go on and get changed.' He ran out of the room, Serena swatting at him and missing on purpose as he passed. Outside, the wind howled suddenly and rattled the glass in the window, slapping it with sleet.

'That sounds awful,' Serena said. 'I'm so glad you're not out in it.'

'So am I, believe me. A warm dry room with you in it is a lot more appealing than sitting out a snowstorm in the lee of a bank with a bunch of muddy men bitching and moaning about their cold feet and their cold nuts.'

'Aw, your hair's still all cold and wet.'

'Warm me up.'

Of course, relative newlyweds still have an excuse for this sort of behaviour.

The morning came cold and clear, and with the news that Millerna was indisposed.

'Indisposed?' Cid repeated.

'Throwing up,' said Serena.

'Thank you for that graphic footnote,' Allen said. He looked tired and cross. 'Actually, I think she may have caught your cold. Which has put her in a panic about the health of the baby, and I was up with her half the night. Please try to keep your germs to yourself in future.'

'Sorry,' Serena said, and blew her nose again. She looked really ill this morning, with shadows under her eyes and an increasingly pink nose. Van glanced from one end of the breakfast table to the other - they were certainly an unprepossessing group that morning. He had had trouble sleeping, and when he had dozed off it had only been to dreams where he followed Hitomi through a huge, confusing city, never able to catch up with her. The only bright-eyed one was Cid, who was putting so much brown sugar on his porridge that it was practically syrup with oats in it.

'You'll make yourself ill with that lot,' Gadeth told him. 'Or so hyperactive you'll be bouncing off the walls.'

'This is how I like it,' he said adamantly, and put another spoonful on. 'Is there any honey? The runny kind. I want to write my name on the top.'

'Just eat the bowl of sugar you've got already, why don't you?' Serena said wearily. She was not quite talking in the 'I hab a code id by dose' way, but her speech was a little thick.

'I'd better see how Millerna is getting on,' Allen said. 'She's hoping to be up by lunchtime, so we can get on with things in the afternoon.' He left the room, leaving most of his toast untouched.

'Gawd,' said Serena. 'This promises to be a really revolting day. At least the weather is better.' The sun was very bright, if not warm.

'No decisions this morning, then,' Van said. 'And a house full of people sniffing.'

'It's only me,' Serena protested, 'and I don't keep sniffing, I blow. Though I suppose Gadeth will catch it too, won't you, love?'

'No - I never catch colds,' Gadeth said. His wife gave him a Look. 'Well, I'd love to keep you company, but it's not my fault if I've got a natural resistance, is it? You should be glad I'll be strong and healthy to take care of you.' She relented and smiled.

'So what will we do all morning?' Cid asked. He had shovelled up the sugary porridge already and was now working his way through a round of toast with honey. (The creamy clover kind, not the runny kind.)

'I don't know,' Serena said. 'A basin of hot water with eucalyptus in it and a towel over my head sound tempting.' Cid looked disappointed. He had been relying on her to be the fun grown-up. 'But,' she went on, 'I guess I can't leave my favourite nephew to kick around feeling bored. Want to go to the bazaar and look for weird things?'

'Is the bazaar even open in winter?' Van asked. 'There's a foot of snow on the ground.'

'Oh yes,' Serena said. 'They just move it undercover. There's a big old guild-hall they've taken over. You should come, it's fun.'

When the bazaar was indoors, there was nowhere for the smells to go, so the air was a rich blend of perfumes, people-odours, animal-odours and hot food-odours, and as you moved among the stalls you walked into clouds of different aromas. Serena, Gadeth and Cid were occupied with a game called Name That Smell, walking together while Van trailed along behind them. Cid was holding Serena's hand, swinging from her arm and laughing up at her because she couldn't smell a thing. They looked strangely like a real family, though of course Serena was far too young to have a child that age.

The bazaar was packed, as you would expect on a day when the skies had cleared and people wanted to get out of the house, and the impression of crowding was heightened by being indoors. There was less space between booths than there would have been in a street, and you were always at risk of backing into a display of vegetables, or jostling someone, turning around to say sorry and finding it was a dancing bear. The others had stopped in front of a tented booth, so he caught up with them almost without meaning to, just drifting to a stop alongside them.

There was a sandwichboard sign in front of the tent, with a large blue hand painted on it. Above it was the name 'Mysteriosa' and below it the words 'Chiromancy, palmistry, fortune-telling.'

'Well, with a name like Mysteriosa she's just _got_ to be good,' Gadeth said, sounding amused.

'But fortune-telling works,' Cid said. 'Hitomi read my fortune and she told me I was going to become a good ruler and lots of people would help me. That's coming true - at least the other people part is, and I have to make sure the me part does.'

'You can't trust fortune-telling,' Van said.

'That's rich coming from someone whose life has frequently depended entirely on someone else's psychic abilities,' Serena said. 'If Hitomi hadn't been able to "see" cloaked Alseides, you would be' She suddenly looked uncomfortable, realising how tactless that was from all points of view. 'Well, the point is, you trusted her. You relied on her.'

'And I shouldn't have,' Van said. 'It wasn't fair to her.'

'Can we not have such a deep conversation when we're just talking about a gypsy palm-reader?' Serena suggested. 'I think this looks like fun. I'm going in.'

'I want to see too,' said Cid. Serena lifted the flap of the tent and looked in, Cid peering round her. They saw a small round table, lit by a softly hissing oil lamp hanging from the top of the tent. Sitting behind it was a woman veiled in dark blue. The only part of her that showed was her eyes, which were rather prominent and an unusual tawny yellow. She was looking directly at them as though she had been expecting them, although since she had probably been able to hear them talking outside there was nothing mystical about that.

'Hello,' Serena said. 'Could I get my fortune told?'

'Yes,' said Mysteriosa. 'The price is two silver.'

'That's reasonable,' Serena said. She took the chair opposite Mysteriosa at the table. Cid stood by her, watching Mysteriosa closely in case she did anything particularly magical.

'What a dear little boy,' said Mysteriosa. 'I think you two are related, but he is not your son. A cousin, perhaps, or a nephew?'

'Hey, she's not bad,' said Gadeth. He and Van were watching through the tent flap.

'There's nothing special about that,' Van said. 'She's obviously too young to be his mother but they look related. He's probably not her brother because there's such a big age difference. Anyone could work it out.'

'I mean her delivery's not bad,' Gadeth said. 'A bit of hocus-pocus, but not too much mumbo-jumbo.'

'Hey,' said Mysteriosa sharply. 'Quiet in the cheap seats.'

'Sorry,' said Gadeth, 'we'll shut up.' He winked at Van. Serena was taking off her gloves.

'Please show me your right hand, palm up,' said the palmist. She pulled Serena's hand a little further forward, to get it in the best light, and started to trace the lines with a forefinger. She did not speak. After a minute she made a puzzled sound in her throat and said 'Could you show me the other hand, as well? Take off your ring.'

Serena put her left hand on the table too. The palmist inspected that thoroughly too. It seemed to bother her. She made a 'tsk, tsk' noise.

'What?' said Serena. 'Is something wrong?'

'Young woman, are you playing some kind of silly trick?' Mysteriosa asked. 'People don't _have_ hands like this. I don't know how you can fake it, but I can't believe in this.'

'No, I'm not - these are my real hands. What's strange about them? They've got four fingers and one thumb each.' Serena sounded a little affronted.

'You really don't see it?'

'I'm not a palmist. Tell me what you're talking about.'

Mysteriosa sighed. 'Well, just to pick on the most obvious feature, you appear to have two lifelines on each hand. One is significantly shorter than the other, but it's still a distinct line, not just chaining or an unrelated crease. In addition to that - well, I would expect your two palms to be more or less mirror images of each other, differing in some points, of course, according to which is the dominant hand. From this I can interpret information about your past, your likely future, and the underlying personality that is the cause of these. But your hands contradict each other. The sinister hand shows completely different character traits from the dexter.'

'What do you mean, sinister?'

'It's just an older word for left. Dexter means right. But this _is_ sinister. I can see cruelty, anger, excessive self-love, lack of foresight, impetuous action, a propensity to violence and obsession - this is _not_ a nice hand. But your right hand has all the hallmarks of a loyal, affectionate nature, a tendency to think deeply, even to the point of overthinking things, deep ties with the people you love, and protective strength. It's like a different person. Complete contradiction. I might expect to find some oddities in a person like yourself - dressed like a man - but this looks as though you've been two different people in your lifetime.' She shook her head over Serena's contrary hands.

'You're not from around here, are you?' asked Gadeth from the door.

'No. My homeland is shrouded in mystery. I have just arrived in your country. Why?'

'She has been two different people. Have you really not heard about Serena Schezar?'

Mysteriosa did a double-take. 'She's _that_ one?'

'Serena Schezar _Finn_,' Serena said helpfully. She put her wedding ring back on. 'Apparently you're not as clairvoyant as all that.'

'That's a different branch of the Art,' Mysteriosa protested. 'I just do hands.'

'Can you tell me anything about my future,' Serena asked, 'or are my hands just too confusing?'

'Let me look at the right hand again,' Mysteriosa said desperately. She was clearly rattled. 'Well yes, I would interpret that shorter lifeline as related to the, the previous character traits indicated in your left hand. You can see how it fades out, whereas this one, the dominant lifeline, I suppose I would say, continues very clear and strong. That means good health, a robust constitution.'

Serena fished out her handkerchief with her free hand and blew her nose.

'Yes, well, minor ailments aside, obviously. I see I see travel, possibly a journey over water'

'She's already had a tall dark stranger,' Gadeth chipped in, 'but we know each other quite well now.'

'And strong, clear heart line just one great love for you, I think, and it looks lasting.'

'There I am again,' said Gadeth, and nudged Van.

'I see I do see children, although perhaps not any time soon. It's difficult to give exact times expect at least three. Possibly twins at some stage. These are the good things. I feel I must also warn you that you will have some extremely difficult times. Life will test you often, and the tests will be hard. You have many strengths to draw on, but the outcome depends on your resolve. I can't see any more than that, not clearly.' She let go of Serena's hand and sat back. 'Because of the unusual nature of the hand, I can't even guarantee the accuracy of this reading.'

'Well,,' said Serena. She drew her gloves back on. 'What do I owe you again?'

'Three silver,' Mysteriosa said promptly.

'Ah, you said two when she came in,' Gadeth pointed out.

'It's extra for bringing hecklers,' she said crossly. 'And creepy little kids who stare at me when I'm trying to read.'

'I'm not _creepy_,' Cid said indignantly. 'And I know a better fortune-teller than you, anyway.'

'Never mind, Ciddy,' Serena said. 'We've given her enough trouble for one day.' She put the money on the table and got up to go.

'Just watch out,' Mysteriosa said. 'You're split two ways and that's never easy.'

'I'm not split,' Serena said. 'Not any more.'

'Just watch out, that's all I'm saying,' Mysteriosa said. 'Now go before you scare off my next customers.'

'I'm _definitely_ not impressed with her,' Cid said, when they were back out in the hall. 'She didn't know what she was talking about and she had a smelly bottle under the table.'

Serena laughed. 'Well, I'm glad I have you and Gadeth to remind me not to take her too seriously.'

'I said it from the beginning,' Van reminded her.

'Well, you too, then.'

'But actually, I think she might have had a point.'

'Just drop it, would you? Look there, Cid. That's one of the best stalls I've found for Moon junk.' She led him over to a large booth crammed with bric-a-brac, and a big table covered in boxes of stuff.

'What did you want to say that for?' Gadeth asked Van. 'You'll just upset her. And I don't care if you're a king, if you upset my wife you make an enemy of me. So get that look off your face.' He followed Serena and Cid. Van was a little hurt by that; he'd always rather liked Gadeth. Even when he had problems with Allen, the crew of _Crusade_ had been good to him. Alienating one of them made him uncomfortable. He decided to really try to be more agreeable, and caught up with the others, bending over the table.

'Now don't get disappointed if you don't find anything good,' Serena was telling Cid, 'because most days you don't find anything. We're seeking the rare and bizarre and that doesn't just show up in the first place you look.'

'What about this?' asked Cid, holding up a metal object with a wooden handle.

'That is pretty weird,' Serena admitted. 'I wonder what it could be used for?'

'It's an apple corer,' Gadeth said. 'My mother has one.'

'Spoilsport,' said Cid.

'It's always apples with you, isn't it?' Serena said. 'Your father would be happy.'

'What are you hoping to find, anyway?' Van asked. _Be pleasant, take an interest._

' Things that might have come from the Phantom Moon,' Serena said. 'We don't know if there's someone bringing them here, or if they somehow get here by themselves, but every now and then they show up, usually on stalls like this, because people don't know what they are but they look interesting. So they stick them in jumble trays like these, and you can get them cheap.'

'But you don't know what they are either,' Van pointed out, glancing into a tray. 'They might be cheap, but they're completely useless.'

'I don't only buy things I don't recognise,' Serena replied. 'I buy real things too. I have to squander the Schezar family fortune somehow, and my chosen method is shopping.'

'She keeps buying me shirts,' Gadeth said in a weary tone.

'You were saying you didn't have enough!'

'Actually, I was saying that you wearing my shirts all the time meant I didn't have enough.'

'Well, now there are enough for both of us. I know it's girly, but I just like buying things for us. It's a nesting instinct. And most of what I buy, you like - you like the new quilt we've got at home.'

Van watched the two of them talking, bickering, getting close to arguing but always good-humoured, completely comfortable together. He felt miserably envious. _I wish I could just stop thinking about this. Yes, I miss her. I'm going to have to miss her for the rest of my life. I shouldn't be dwelling on it._ He picked over the contents of one of the junk trays, hoping to see something that would distract him. Beside him, Cid was happily occupied with the same thing. His tray was mostly full of buttons, buckles, earrings without mates and old military medals, so it made a satisfying amount of rattling and clinking as he pawed through the tarnished heap. His chin was just over the edge of the tray, and he was standing on tiptoe. _He's being a normal little boy. That's nice to see but it's strange at the same time, because this afternoon he has to help decide the fate of a nation. I have to do that too and here I am killing time in a market. I thought my life would change forever when I became king, and it did, and yet there are still lots of times when I find myself just hanging around like a kid. I wish Meruru were here; she'd enjoy this. She was always more of a magpie than a blackbird. I could buy her a toffee apple. If she'd eat it now she's being all grown-up._

'Look at _this_!' Cid breathed. Van turned to look, and his own breath caught in his throat. Dangling from Cid's mittened hand was a fine gold chain. Suspended from it was a smooth pink teardrop of a jewel, tipped with gold. It was like Hitomi's. It could have _been_ Hitomi's.

'That's _beautiful_,' Serena said, quietly so the stallholder wouldn't hear and realise they were impressed. 'It must be in this box by mistake. No-one would sell something like that as junk.'

'You know, Hitomi had one just like that,' Gadeth said. 'The same setting and everything.'

'I know,' said Cid. 'She could do magic with it - it told her where people were.'

'I've never seen a jewel quite like that,' Serena said. 'It's got a colour like rose quartz but it's so clear. No, on second thought, I have seen something like that but not in jewellery - the big stone on the front of Escaflowne. It's like Energist but bigger and purer.' She bit her lip and tentatively touched the jewel with her fingertips, then closed her hand around it. 'I'm definitely getting this.'

'It's the same, isn't it, Van?' Cid said. Van found he couldn't speak easily. It was just so wrong that a pendant like Hitomi's should be on a junk stall in the Pallas bazaar. It was wrong that there should _be_ a pendant like Hitomi's. It should be as unique as she was. Other people, people who didn't even know her, shouldn't be able to just buy something that to him, was a part of her. But how could he say that to them? He decided to take the easy way and nodded.

Cid let go of the pendant's chain and Serena scooped a medal and a hair comb with a row of ribbon roses on it into her hand with it.

'I've got three items from the two-a-penny box,' she called to the stallholder, who was at the other end of his table arranging a silver-backed mirror, brush and comb set so you didn't notice how many teeth the comb was missing. 'So what do I owe you?'

'One and a half peizos,' the stallholder said. 'What do they teach you these days?' Serena paid him and turned to go.

'But I want to look for more weirdness,' Cid protested.

'We've used up our luck at this stall,' Serena said. 'We need to try somewhere else now.' She led the way to a reasonably clear space by a meat pie stand before looking at the pendant again. 'Call me a thief, because that was a steal!'

'Do you feel good about defrauding that man?' Van asked. He could tell he was going to be out of sorts for the rest of the day now. Seeing Serena gloat over her purchase had put the lid on it.

'Yes,' Serena said, defiantly. 'I feel excellent. Gadeth, could you help me put it on?'

'Are you supposed to wear jewellery in uniform?' Gadeth asked, trying to get the catch to open.

'I can hide it under this daft cravatty thing,' Serena said. 'You know, it wasn't until I looked at myself in this uniform that I realised you have to be a man to wear it without looking like a girl.'

'That doesn't make any sense,' Cid said. He was pinning the medal on the front of his coat.

'Well, come on, puffed sleeves,' Serena said.

'Everyone wears puffed sleeves,' Gadeth said defensively. 'They're in the uniform.' He closed the catch and let the chain fall against Serena's neck. She lifted the stone and looked at it happily.

'You know what?' Van said. 'I think I'll just go back to the palace. I have some things to get organised. Thanks for letting me come, but I'm going back.'

'Well, that's all right,' Serena said, a little surprised but not concerned. 'We'll see you for lunch, then.' She sneezed.

'Maybe we should go back, too,' Gadeth said. 'You sound worse and it's not very warm in here.' Cid looked disappointed; he was too good to complain about cutting the outing short, but you could see he had been looking forward to seeing more.

'I know what,' Serena said. 'Van and I will go back, and you boys can stay here long enough to look around properly. You'll be all right together, won't you?'

'Well, I suppose so,' Gadeth said. He looked dubious. 'It's you I'm concerned about.'

'You need uncle practise anyway. Have fun.' She kissed him on the cheek, scruffled Cid's hair, and said to Van 'Come on.' He followed her with his hands in his coat pockets.

The two of them made their way through the crowds to the side exit. They had come in through the main door, so they would have to walk around a block to get on the quickest route back to the palace. Doing this involved crossing a bridge over one of the frozen canals. Serena stopped at the top of the bridge's arch and leaned on the parapet.

'The air is so fresh when it's this cold,' she said, and drew in a deep breath. Unfortunately, this made her cough till her eyes watered. 'Oh dear,' she said, thumping her chest with her palm. 'I sound like I'm at death's door. I'm probably very contagious.'

'We should just walk straight back, then,' Van said. He had no particular wish for a conversation, but she seemed to think it would be nice to talk.

'Wasn't it an amazing coincidence to find that necklace?' Serena asked cheerfully. 'I think it's a good omen for today. And of course, it's so pretty.'

'Do you even know what it means?'

'What it means?'

'As far as we can tell pendants like that are relics of Atlantis, or something even older. I didn't even know another one existed. Your father gave one to Hitomi's grandmother years ago and the grandmother gave it to her. She gave it to me and it's at home in Fanelia. There shouldn't be another like it.' He shoved some snow off the parapet and watched it spatter on the uneven ice of the canal.

'I don't see why not,' she said mildly. 'They might have been very common in Atlantis. There could be lots of them around and you've just only seen one.'

'They're not just jewellery,' he said. 'As you pointed out, they're made of the same stone that was used in Escaflowne. I don't know where the Ispano Clan got it, or what it really is, but it's related to Energist. Hitomi's pendant, and the Energist I put in Escaflowne, could both be used to create a column of light that would take you from this world to the Phantom Moon, or the other way around, or move you around on this world. It didn't always work consistently. It used to react to the bearer's wishes.'

Serena pulled her cravat aside and looked at the pendant again. 'I knew there was something weird about the stone. When Dilandau touched it, when you were a prisoner in the floating fortress, it streamed light and made an explosion - it was terrifying. When Cid found this, I wondered what would happen if I touched it now.'

'Well, nothing, so that's nice.' He stared down at the ice. Bits of stick and rubbish were frozen in it and would stay there until the thaw.

'It ought to prove something to you, at least.'

'You still shouldn't have it,' he said. 'And you shouldn't have bought it for a penny. A thing like that should be a gift. It should mean something.'

'What does Hitomi's pendant mean to you?' she asked. 'If she gave it to you, and you left it behind in Fanelia don't you _want_ to keep something of hers with you? Something that would let you go to see her?'

'You don't know anything about it!' Van was furious now.

'I know what it's like to love someone and I can't help wondering what you think you're doing! Don't you care about her?'

'I can't ever be with her!' His voice sounded hoarse and high in his ears. 'Why would she ever want to see me again? She went home! She chose _her_ world! I've got to stop thinking about her!'

'And what if she's sitting at home right now thinking why doesn't Van ever come to see me any more and it's breaking her heart? Have you even asked her what she wants?'

Van glared at her, a bossy girl with a pink, runny nose preaching to him about how to love. The cravat was still on one side and the pink jewel was shining against her white shirt. She shouldn't have it. She, of all people, should not have it. He turned away from her in disgust and stamped through the snow off the bridge.

'Hey! I haven't finished talking to you!' Serena called after him. He ignored her and walked faster. He could hear her running behind him, catching up.

'You can have it if you think it's so important,' she said. 'As a gift. Peace offering. That would be meaningful, wouldn't it?'

'I don't want it,' he said. 'It's yours.'

'You can be so mean.'

'How is that being mean? I'm telling you you can keep the thing you like. _Mean_ would be ripping it off your neck and giving you whiplash.'

'Fine,' she said. 'Screw you too.' She stormed on ahead, walking even faster than he could. Van watched her go, letting himself slow down, feeling his anger die until it no longer warmed him.

[**Back to Book One Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook1.html



	9. I Suck at Chapter Titles

**Chapter Nine**

The afternoon meeting was held in the royal council chamber, formal in contrast to the cosiness of the previous evening. Millerna looked healthier than might have been expected, and seemed very alert and focused. Everyone sat around a circular table, and it felt very businesslike. Serena was there again, and Gadeth with her. Van was annoyed by that; Serena had already said her piece last night and Gadeth had nothing to do with this. He was just a sergeant. However, when he looked at Cid, flanked by his monks, he realised the couple might be there in their capacity as supporters, servants of the Asturian crown. It made him wish he had brought someone with him; even Meruru would have been backup. Another way in which he was at a disadvantage.

'Having considered everything we've heard together,' Millerna said straight away, 'I wish to propose that we send a joint expedition to Zaibach with the aim of establishing, if not a military occupation, a caretaker government. We can help the people of Zaibach to rebuild their society and at the same time benefit from their technology. I believe this is a responsible course of action for the security of our own countries and for the wellbeing of Zaibach. We can expand our alliance from three nations to four, with a mutual interest in one another's success. And I propose that we do this as soon as possible, before the situation has a chance to deteriorate further.'

'I agree,' Cid said. 'If we can help them at the same time as making ourselves stronger, that will be the best for everyone.'

'It's up to you, Van,' said Allen. They all looked at him; even Brother Arctu suspended his prayers and lifted his watery eyes to regard him. _I'm outnumbered._

'Well, it's not as though I have a better idea,' he began. 'I agree something has to be done, and while I'm not sure this is the thing to do, I'll go along with it. I agree to make an equal contribution of Fanelian resources to the expedition.'

'Thank you, Van,' said Millerna. 'From all of us.'

'You're welcome,' he said. _That was all they needed. It's their thing._

'What remains now,' Allen said, 'is to decide who will go. I would volunteer, but I feel my place now is with Millerna. Besides, I think there is someone whose experience fits her better for such a mission - Serena, you should go.'

'Experience of Zaibach, yes,' Serena said. 'Experience of leading Asturian forces, squat. I can't help feeling that, although I passed the tests, I've been playing at being a knight. You've been giving me an easy start, not asking me to do anything too hard.'

'Exactly,' Allen said. 'That's why, now you have settled in, you need a challenge. If you are serious about this, you will see that. And you have told me many times that you are. Perhaps I have shown you some special consideration, because you're my sister and I had it in my power to pave the way for you, but because you _are_ my sister, I would expect you to show honour and courage.'

'I just don't know if you should trust me with something so important. You're not saying I would be in charge, are you?'

'Not in sole charge,' Millerna said, 'because this is a joint venture. You would be the representative of the Asturian Crown, working together with representatives of Freid and Fanelia.'

'Also,' Allen said, 'I believe Gadeth will want to go with you.'

'Damn straight,' said Gadeth. He was smiling.

'Did you know about this?' Serena demanded of him.

'I didn't know what was going to happen,' he said, 'but I knew what would be the plan if everyone said yes.'

'Thank you for keeping it from me.'

'The Boss only told me about it half an hour ago,' he said. 'It's not like I've been sitting on it.'

'The question now,' said Allen with a little smile, 'is only whether he can accept his wife being his commanding officer.'

'I don't think he'll have any problems adjusting to that,' said Serena primly. 'He knows how to do as he's told.'

'I'm not touching that one,' Gadeth said, raising his hands innocently. It was strange to have a joke with the Boss again; it might mean things were improving.

'Oh, stop teasing her,' Millerna said. 'We trust both of you. Your service to the Crown in this matter will be gratefully remembered.'

'I have a presentative too,' Cid said. 'I want to send Brother Arctu and Brother Ailo. That's part of why I brought them, so they would know everything that was going on from the start. Brother Arctu understands how people think, and his prayers will work for us. And Brother Ailo is trained in martial arts as well as diplomacy.'

'When one fails, try the other,' Brother Ailo said with a self-deprecating smile. 'I would consider it an honour to serve alongside Asturia's knights. For a long time the monks of my order protected the secret of Atlantis. If we are not to become redundant in the new world, we must make ourselves useful in new ways.'

'And you, Van? Who will you send to represent the Crown of Fanelia?' Millerna asked.

'The Crown of Fanelia will represent itself,' Van said. 'I'll go.' The decision had come to him just in the last couple of minutes, but he knew absolutely it was what he wanted to do. There was a general stir around the table; it felt good to make them sit up and take notice like that.

'Are you sure that's wise?' Millerna asked. 'To place yourself in danger again? Your people need you.'

'I'll be serving my people better by personally dealing with the situation,' he told her. 'I still have strong doubts about this. I want to be there myself to try to make things come out right. Fanelia is recovering well and I have helpers I can trust to mind the store for me.'

'Well, none of us can tell you no,' Millerna began. She looked doubtful.

'I think it's very brave of you,' Cid said. 'I would go if I was old enough.'

'The choice is made,' said Brother Arctu, startling them all. He had a reedy, gentle voice. 'A new star is rising,' he said. He folded his hands quietly, letting his prayer beads rest in his lap, and closed his eyes.

'He's getting positively gabby,' said Ailo. 'That's twice in a fortnight. What has passed today is very important.'

'In that case,' Allen said, 'troops will be selected, preparations will be made, and a convoy will go to Zaibach. Let us all hope and pray for the best.'

Van had to go back to Fanelia first, of course. Serena saw him to the airfield, just as she had met him on arrival, the dutiful knight. The airship was not quite ready for Van to board when they got there, so they stood around by the carriage and waited, looking around aimlessly so as not to look at each other. It was another bright, cold day, and it was windy up on the hillside. Serena's cold was still not gone and she kept trying to cough quietly, not to be noticed.

'You'd better try to get rid of that before we set off,' Van said at last. He was getting tired of the rather piteous coughing.

'I'm sure I'll be better in a couple of days,' she said. 'I might spend a day in bed now this is settled. Rest up ready.' She blew her nose yet again. 'I don't think it will really impress anyone if the Asturian Crown Representative has a constant sniffle. But I think it will make a big impression that the King of Fanelia is coming in person.' She tucked the handkerchief away and looked sidelong at Van, then turned to face him. 'You know what? I don't particularly like you.'

'Oh?'

'It's rather a relief to realise it. I had this idea that I had a duty to make friends with you, because of what Dilandau did to you, to prove that I was different and make everything right. I do like people to like me. But you know what? I don't care if you don't like me, because I don't like you. That's a really comfortable feeling.' She smiled.

Van wasn't sure what to say. 'Well, good for you.'

'I'm hoping that now we have that mutual understanding, we can work together without too much friction. All right? We both believe this mission is important, even if we have different angles on the situation. Let's just do our best together.' She held out her hand. It was such a cheery, confident gesture.

'You're really, really weird. You do know that, don't you?' But he took her hand, and shook it.

'Best enemies,' she said.

'I suppose so.'

'Van-sama?' said the airship captain, approaching them. 'We're ready for you to board.'

'See you later,' said Serena.

'Yeah see you.'

'Are you going to take Escaflowne?' Meruru asked. She was standing over Van with her fists on her hips while he packed his duffel bag.

'Of course not,' said Van. 'We're not going there to conquer them. That's been done. Escaflowne is resting and I hope it never has to wake again in my lifetime. Pass me those socks from the drawer, will you?'

Meruru picked up the socks very huffily and slapped them into Van's waiting hand. 'It's going to be far too dangerous. You should let someone else go. Send Argus. Or Remy. You can't risk yourself like this.'

'I won't feel right unless I go and see about this myself,' Van said. 'Argus and Remy are good men but they're not me and they won't know what I want done every step of the way. And as for the danger, I've been in danger before. That's not a reason not to go.' He patted her shoulder. 'You can see that, Meruru.'

To his great surprise, she threw her arms round his neck and leaned against him, hiding her face in his shoulder. It wasn't the usual impetuous Meruru hug. She was very still, except for a slight trembling. Her voice was muffled when she spoke, but he could still understand her.

'What about because I just don't want you to go? Is that a good reason?'

'Meruru' He stroked her hair, trying to think what to say to make it easy for her. 'I'm relying on you to keep everything going here while I'm gone. I know you can do it. I sometimes think you're twice as tough as I am.'

'That just isn't true,' she said. 'You're so brave, and you've been through such terrible things, and I don't want you to any more. I want you to stay at home with me and be happy.'

'I _am_ happy when I'm with you I'm doing this for you, and everyone in Fanelia, so in the future I _can_ just stay here and take care of you all.'

'So you'll go away into a country where God knows what could happen, for everyone in Fanelia, but you won't stay here for me? I've been trying so hard for you. Do you know how long it took just to get people to pay attention when I gave instructions? I don't _like_ it. People make fun of me when they think I can't hear. I'm doing it for you, because I love you.' She still kept her face pressed against his shirt.

'Meruru it's not the same thing. I'm going because I love you too, silly.'

She raised her head and looked him in the face. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but she was not going to cry, not yet. 'But you wouldn't ever kiss me, would you?'

A flurry of possible replies passed through Van's head: but you're younger than me, but we've known each other forever and it would be too weird, but I've never kissed anyone, even Hitomi. _Hitomi. Maybe maybe I should try. It would make more sense. It might help me forget her. And if it would make Meruru happy_

'Of course I will,' he said, and ducked his head down, a little awkwardly, and kissed her on the mouth. He could feel how much it startled her - her arms stiffened and she made a little 'nk' sound in her throat, almost a protest. Neither of them had their eyes closed, Meruru because she hadn't been expecting a kiss, Van because he wasn't sure he could get the kiss on target if he wasn't looking, and it was unnerving to have such a close view of one another's faces. He put one hand to her cheek, to the soft peachfur texture of her face, reminding himself she was cute, she was pretty, she loved him, it was really all right. He realised he wasn't sure how you finished a kiss, at what point you could stop pressing your lips against the girl's without it being too quick or too long. It must have been five full seconds. Was it all right to stop? He needed to breathe.

Meruru drew back first, so he didn't have to decide. She was blushing. Neither of them could speak yet. Meruru lowered her arms, stepped back from him a little, unwilling to meet his eyes now.

'I think you ought to go,' she said, and ran out of the room.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	10. Departure

**Chapter Ten**

As had been arranged, the convoy came to Fanelia last, embarking from Asturia and passing through Freid to collect their contingent before doubling back to head through Fanelia to Zaibach. It was really one large transport ship for supplies and troops and two smaller, more manoeuvrable ones. One of them was _Crusade_.

Most Fanelians had seen nothing like this since the invasion. While the whale-like white ship rode at anchor near the city, they had a tendency to glance up at it nervously, as though reassuring themselves that it was doing nothing they should be worried about. _Crusade_ and the other smaller ship, a Freid vessel called _Lion Rampant_, were less intimidating. Gear was loaded; the Fanelian soldiers, all that could be spared, got on board. Of course, there were not many. Despite what Van had said, there was no way Fanelia could make an equal contribution in terms of men. They had had a smaller army to begin with and it had been hugely depleted by Zaibach's attack. Most of the men were still needed at home. Next to the ranks of serious, bullet-headed warrior-monks from Freid they looked rather pitiful. The Asturian contingent were somewhere between the two, including dapper crack troops from the capital, but also the raffish crew of _Crusade_. Allen had been insistent about sending them, saying he didn't want anyone else to fly his ship. They tended to regard themselves as hardened veterans and were very much at home on the ship, laughing rather at the more earnest soldiers, who despised them in turn for being a motley crew and not caring that they were. At present, they obeyed Serena, but gave the impression they did so mainly because Gadeth wanted them to.

'They just need time to get used to you and realise they can take you seriously,' Gadeth told her. 'You'll have to pass certain tests. They'll try to get you stinking drunk at least once.'

'Was it like this for Allen?' she asked. They were sitting at the very edge of the launch bay of _Crusade_, dangling their legs over the side, watching the sun go down behind the Fanelian hills. In the morning they would set out for Zaibach. Scherazade loomed comfortingly behind them. They were hoping not to need it, but there could still be active melefs in Zaibach. The large ship carried more.

'Oh, worse. I mean, think about it, there we were out in the swamp, thinking we were really hard bastards, rejects and rebels, and he gets off the boat with shiny boots and white gloves and long blond hair. Our last captain had died of an infection and they hadn't sent us anyone new for nearly a month and then, there's Allen Crusade Schezar the Eighth, the prettyboy, the ladykiller. People were making bets on how long before he died or went crazy.'

'How did he win their respect, then?'

'Well when people tell stories, there's one moment when it all changes over, but really it was just gradual. We couldn't help respecting him, because of the way he was every day, and because he respected us, which was so new it really knocked us for a loop. Although he did beat Teo arm-wrestling, I suppose that impressed some people. You want to try that?'

'Teo's arm is bigger than my _leg_,' Serena said. 'I'll just have to start from scratch. This is one of those times when nothing I remember from Dilandau's life would be any use. I really don't think the crew will put up with being slapped all the time.'

'The last thing you need at this stage is a reputation as a slapper.'

'Maybe I should get a _whip_.'

Gadeth's shoulders shook. 'You're doing it deliberately now, aren't you? That's a very, very disturbing image.' He shook his head and chuckled.

'I'd rather you were disturbed by it than delighted.' She had a little smirk on her face.

'Just don't repeat it in front of the guys. They'll be saying I'm whipped anyway and I don't want them to think it's literal.'

'Why will they say you're whipped? I don't bully you.'

'They'll say I'm whipped,' he said, and lowered his voice confidentially, 'because there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.' He took her hand and held it in both his own. 'And they'll say it because just sitting here with you with the sun going down is pretty much perfect happiness for me.'

'I'll have to make sure you stay whipped, then,' Serena said. Something creaked behind them. They both turned sharply to see Brother Ailo crossing the bay behind them.

'Don't mind me, please,' he said. 'You're very sweet together, and I'm just looking for the, the thing. You call it a head on these ships, don't you?'

'There's one just down that corridor, first on the left,' Serena said, pointing. Beside her, Gadeth was turning tomato red. Brother Ailo ambled off.

'I can't believe someone heard me _saying _that!' Gadeth groaned. 'I mean, I can say those things to _you_, but I don't want anyone else to hear them! I feel like a complete pillock!'

'But he didn't laugh. He thought it was sweet, he said.'

'I don't want people to think I'm _sweet_!'

'I think you are.'

'You're an exception. Eargh. Thank God it wasn't any of the guys.'

'You're so cute when you're dying of embarrassment,' she said, and kissed him on the cheek.

The next morning, Van stood where they had been sitting, watching Fanelia recede into the distance. It was a dangerous place to stand, especially when the ship was moving, but he wanted to watch until it was out of sight. They were rising into the clouds, and 'out of sight' came sooner than he would have expected or wished. It was freezing cold, so after a bit he went to the small cabin set aside for him. It was rather dark and low-ceilinged, but the bunk was pretty comfortable, and there was another above it that he didn't have to share so he could keep junk up there or sit on it. It would be good enough for a few weeks, or however long this turned out to take. Last night he had just slung his duffel up onto the top bunk, hung his sword from a bracket on the wall and flopped down to sleep. He had decided to spend the night on board to get used to it, and also because all the time he was in the castle he was worried he would run into Meruru, though she seemed to be avoiding him too.

Kissing her had clearly been the wrong thing to do. It hadn't been disagreeable, although it had been too awkward and nerve-wracking to be enjoyable, and it had definitely driven a wedge between them. _So my first kiss was with someone who's practically my little sister, and I upset her. Really great._ He was standing in the corridor with his hand on the door of his cabin now, and his thoughts were interrupted by a small sound from inside, as though someone had moved in there. The cabins were reasonably soundproof, so it would have to be something substantial to make a noise in there that he could hear out here. Suspicious, but not yet alarmed, he opened the door.

Meruru was sitting on the bottom bunk, rubbing her head. Van recognised the gesture; when he woke up that morning he had sat up too quickly and cracked his head on the edge of the bunk above too. The bump must have been what he had heard; perhaps she had heard him coming down the passage and risen to meet him.

'Meruru!' he said. 'What are you doing here?'

'I stowed away,' she said ruefully. 'I hid in that cupboard till we were well away and then I got out to wait for you.' She pointed to the locker built into the wall.

'Why would you do that? What about taking care of things while I'm gone? And when did you - were you in there all night?'

'No! I got in early this morning while everyone was getting ready to take off. You were already up and out. And you don't need to worry. I've left lists and instructions and deputised everything. Everyone knows their jobs anyway. I just thought that I couldn't let you go off alone. We were together the last time you went away, once I caught up with you, and I realised I just couldn't manage now if I couldn't keep an eye on you and know you were all right.'

'I was counting on you,' he said, a little helplessly.

'But my place is with you!' she cried.

_I wish I could understand what she's thinking._ 'Meruru - about what happened yesterday'

'Nothing happened yesterday,' Meruru said firmly. 'Everything is just how it's always been, Van-sama.'

'Oh.' _This makes even less sense._ 'Was it - I mean, was it a _bad _kiss?'

'I have no recollection of any kissing.' She shook her head firmly.

'Meruru,' he said, sitting down beside her, 'it's all right if you don't want to do it again, but pretending we never did is just silly.' She looked down at her knees, blushing.

'I thought it would be easier.'

'I'm sorry if it wasn't very nice for you I wasn't even sure I was doing it right.'

'There wasn't anything wrong with the kiss,' Meruru said. 'That was perfectly fine. But I'd thought it would be wonderful to be kissed by you and instead it's just confusing.'

'I'm sorry.' _What's wrong with me?_

'But we can go back to being friends,' she said. 'Just like always. That'll be good, won't it?' She gave him a look of entreaty.

'Of course it will,' he said, and hugged her. It took a moment for her to relax, to be sure that it was just a hug and nothing more complicated was going to happen, but after that they both felt better. It occurred to Van with a little pang of sadness that she was probably never going to lick his face any more. She hadn't done that often for a while, anyway.

'I'll just tell the others you decided to come at the last minute,' he said. 'This works out really well - now all the sides have two representatives. Did you bring your things with you?'

'Of course I did,' she said. 'My bag's in the locker. I'm a very prepared stowaway. I've got warm clothes, I've got my toothbrush, I've even got my good dress in case - well, in case there's an occasion for it. And I brought something you forgot.'

She went to the locker, pulled out her bag and from it produced the rose-coloured Draco-Energist Van had used to power Escaflowne; the stone he had taken from the dragon he killed and used in a blood pact with the guymelef.

'I thought you might need it. Because you haven't been wearing Hitomi's pendant any more, and who knows what will happen.'

'Actually' Van said. He was wearing a thick grey sweater with a roll neck, to stop the cold striking into his bones. He fished inside the collar and pulled out the pendant. 'I didn't forget it again.'

'Well, good,' Meruru said. The look on her face was unreadable. 'I wondered why you left it behind when you went to Asturia. Just a mistake, I guess. And it might be useful to have both of them with us, mightn't it? I'll put this back away and keep it safe for you.' She dropped the rough sphere back in her bag and replaced it in the locker.

'Thanks,' he said. 'Listen, you can choose - do you want the top bunk or the bottom one?'

'Can I have the top?'

'Sure you can.'

'Great! I always like the top one best.' She smiled brightly, determined to be her old self.

The first day out had gone well. Nothing too unexpected had happened, bar Meruru's appearance, and that wasn't likely to cause any problems. All three ships were flying smoothly and they were making good time towards Zaibach, with an ETA of the following afternoon or early evening. Serena was beginning to feel that she was managing, although she was uncomfortably aware that she hadn't really had anything to manage so far. _It's just nerves_, she told herself. _Like getting back on a horse that's thrown you. Keep going and you'll come out on the other side._

She had had a strange conversation with Van that afternoon; he'd wandered up to the bridge and kept drifting around, looking at things and not talking. It was annoying. After a while he'd approached her and said, in an undertone, 'You consider yourself the expert on love, right?'

'Not really,' she said. 'You're not going to harp on that, are you?'

'I just want to ask a question. Get a woman's perspective, that sort of thing. You're the only one around to ask.' He was frowning with embarrassment.

'Go ahead.'

'Can you think why anyone would seem to be in love with me for a long time but not really be?'

'Are you sure they're not?' she asked, amused. 'A handsome guy like you'

'I thought you didn't like me,' he said, startled.

'Well, you don't have to like someone to be able to see they're good-looking,' she said. He was blushing as well as frowning now, and she felt a little self-conscious herself, which was ridiculous. 'I mean, you must know. Look at you. If I had eyes like that I could have half the world at my feet.'

'There's nothing special about my eyes,' Van said defensively. 'That's not what I'm asking about, anyway, I mean why would someone seem to be really keen on anyone, for ages, and then really not be when there was a chance to be together?'

'Is this a you and Hitomi thing?' Serena asked.

'It doesn't matter who it is,' he said. 'I'm asking for an opinion, that's all.'

'I just don't know,' she said. 'Except that sometimes what you think you want isn't that great when you get it. Or it just turns out to be different from what you'd imagined. Life is complicated and people are weird. I don't think there'd be just one answer why. The "person" might not even know why herself.'

'Well, you're very helpful,' he said sourly.

'It's not _Meruru_, is it? She's - how old is she, anyway? She looks like a little girl.'

'She had her birthday in summer, during the war. She's fourteen now,' Van said, 'and don't worry, I'm not doing anything with Meruru. We've known each other since we were babies and it would be weird.'

'Just as well,' she said. 'Is liking catgirls a Fanelian thing generally, or just a peculiarity of you and your brother?'

'Beastpeople are equal subjects in Fanelia,' Van said. 'Everyone lives and works together. There's nothing peculiar about friendships between humans and beastpeople.'

'Oh, I know. The best friend I ever had was a houndman. He was a slave, though. If you care about beastpeople, you'll find a lot of work in Zaibach, I guess. They've had it very hard there.'

'I guess,' he said. 'Well, thank you for your thoughts.' And he'd wandered off. Serena wasn't sure if she now knew more than she wanted to about his life, or whether she would have to try to find out more. She decided to put the thought away and re-examine it later if it seemed necessary. She rather thought the attempt at getting her stinking drunk was going to happen tonight; more than one member of the crew had taken the time to remind her they were holding a little party, 'Crusaders only,' partly to celebrate that they were off to a good start, partly to drink to their future success. She had been wondering whether holding herself aloof from this kind of thing might be the best way after all, until Gadeth said that he was going and seemed surprised that she would think of staying away. 'You don't want it to look like you think you're too good for them,' he said, 'although frankly, you are.'

'_God_, I feel sick.'

'Hang on a little longer, we're nearly there.' They were weaving their way down the passage to their cabin; Serena was having problems with the level of the floor, which just wouldn't stay the same from one step to the next.

'S'one should do s'thing about this turbulence,' she muttered. ''S dangerous.'

'It's in your head,' Gadeth told her. He was steadier on his feet than she was, and more or less holding her up. He found the cabin door, and after a couple of false starts, got it open. Serena tumbled in and sat down on the floor.

'I feel _sick_!'

'You'll probably throw up in a few minutes and feel better.' Gadeth stepped over her and lay face-down on the bunk. 'This is better, this is much better.'

'Just what you need to see, me throwing up, that'll keep the magic in our marriage.' They had left a lamp lit and the circles of light around it were very strange.

'I'm pretty hard to disgust.'

'Do you think I managed all right?'

'I thought you were fan-bloody-tastic.'

'I showed _them_.' She lay back on the floor and watched the ceiling closely.

''fit makes you feel better, Baile's going to feel even worse than you do when he wakes up. You lit'rally drank him under the table.' Serena's head was close to the edge of the bunk, and Gadeth put his arm over the side and sort of patted her hair.

'Am I a good puppy?'

'Puppy my arse. I can't move any more than this.'

'I showed _them_, though. And I learned their stupid song and I sang it better than they did.'

'Not hard when nearly all the words are ya ya yaa or na na naa.'

'Well, that's why it's a good song.' The feeling of nausea was passing now she was lying still. Maybe she would be all right if she just kept very very still for the rest of the night. Then all she would have to worry about was her head falling off.

'And I think they were quite surprised by that joke you told. Actually, _I_ was surprised by that one.'

'Well, you can blame Mr Migel Labariel for that one, but we shouldn't speak ill of the dead.'

'But we should definitely recycle their dirty stories.'

'He would have liked it that way. I think I'm going to go to sleep right here.'

'Good idea. I'll go to sleep over here, and we'll be twins.'

For a while there was no sound except their breathing and the constant background hum of the ship.

'You know how you can't kiss your own elbows?' Serena said suddenly.

'It's a limitation of which I am aware, yes. I don't let it bother me any more.'

'How did anyone find that out? Why were they trying?'

Gadeth started to laugh into his pillow.

'No, seriously.'

'I always wonder who figured out you could get milk out of a cow, and what he was doing at the time.'

'Eughk!' Serena had the giggles now. 'Okay, I can't kiss my elbows, but I can touch my nose with my tongue. Which is so useful.'

'I used to be good at turning my eyelids inside out.'

'Well, _that's_ just childish and disgusting.'

'You're not going to sleep, are you?'

'Hell no. I'm having Very Deep Thoughts. I'm going to solve the mysteries that bedevil philosophers. Like how do cats purr?'

'And what would happen if you could keep your eyes open when you sneezed?'

'Oh, I know that. Your eyeballs would pop out and dangle on the ends of the optic nerves and you'd have to pick them up and point them with your hands when you wanted to look at anything.'

'And how did anyone find _that_ out?'

'Probably sneezed while they were turning their eyelids inside out' She was quiet for a while more. Her breathing grew slower and deeper and Gadeth realised she was asleep now. Very Deep Thoughts would just have to wait.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	11. Into the Dark

**Chapter Eleven**

The crew of _Crusade_ were rather pale and irritable the next day; not really a credit to Asturia. Baile in particular was sick as a dog and tended to respond with 'Why can't you for God's sake leave me alone?' to any question.

Serena stood on the bridge, wishing the sun wasn't so bright and trying to drink a cup of strong black coffee, which she detested, but which Gadeth claimed would make her feel better. She did not feel sick or headachey so much as heavily tired, with a sort of itchy tenderness inside her skull which suggested a headache was a definite option if she wasn't careful. Her mouth felt manky. Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she shuddered involuntarily before turning around; she was definitely not in a mood to be touched. Brother Ailo was behind her, smiling mildly and holding another steaming cup.

'You're actually introducing more toxins to your system,' he said. 'Try this, and also drink plenty of water for the rest of the day.'

Serena took his cup and looked into it dubiously.

'It's an infusion of herbs,' Ailo said. 'It should clear your head and stimulate your metabolism.'

'Martial arts, diplomacy and medicine too, hmm?' She took a sip of the infusion. It tasted like hot grass, but not in a bad way.

'Only in an amateur way,' Ailo said. 'One of those things everyone learns. As a matter of fact, it's considered a branch of diplomacy. We also use botanically-derived poisons on arrowheads. Sometimes poison and beneficial properties can be extracted from the same plant.'

Serena looked at him over the rim of the cup as she took another drink. It was hard to imagine him in a battle; he seemed like such a gentle person. Still, the same was true of many soldiers. It was something you turned on and off. Looking at Van in the last couple of days, mooching around looking worried and sulky, it was hard to connect him in her mind with the demonic enemy Dilandau had seen. But he really could fight like that. She hoped she would be able to do the same when it came to it. Her mind kept going back to how she had challenged Dilandau, how he had refused to really fight with her. If he hadn't killed himself, could she have done it? She was inclined to think not, and felt ashamed of herself; not that killing people was good, these days she could see Hamlet's point about that, but sometimes you didn't have the option of agonising about it. There could be enemies in Zaibach; she could have to defend her own life and lead the others in battle.

Brother Ailo suddenly put his hand on her shoulder, startling her. 'There is no harm in questioning yourself,' he said, 'but too much doubt will sabotage everything you try to do. I think you will find you cannot always be the gentle person you would like to think you are. Don't assume that none of the violence is your own.'

Serena stared at him, eyes wide. _He's reading my mind._

'Well, not so much reading as watching,' Brother Ailo said, with a modest smile. 'Nothing too invasive. And, you know, I don't think you want to tell anyone about this. Nothing bad happened. You'll feel better soon.' He patted her shoulder kindly and left. Serena watched him go, wanting to say 'Didn't anyone else _see_ that? Didn't you see what he _did_?' The words wouldn't come out. She told herself, very sensibly, that she should just drink up the grassy stuff and get on with the day.

Van was getting annoyed with Meruru. He hadn't known about it until they had to share a room, but in the last few months she had developed some quirks that were going to make her hard to live with. Foremost among these was a panicky fear that he would look at her when she was getting dressed in the morning. She ordered him to sit on his bunk facing the wall and cover his eyes until she announced she was ready, or else leave the room entirely.

'But _I'm_ not dressed,' he complained. This hadn't been an issue last night because she had gone to bed earlier than he had, and was already asleep when he came in. 'I don't want to stand out in the corridor in my skivvies waiting for you to be finished. I'd look like an idiot and I'd be cold.'

'Well, sit with your eyes shut. I'll do the same for you.' She was still in her nightie, clasping her dress to her front like an extra protective layer.

'I don't care if you do or not. I don't have anything you haven't seen already. We've had baths together, for goodness' sake.'

'When we were tiny.'

'When did you become so modest, anyway? It used to be that anyone could see your furry little butt whenever you bent over, and you didn't care at all.'

The 'furry little butt' seemed to sting her. 'It's not being modest, it's trying to be _mature_.'

'I think it would be more _mature_ to just let me get dressed at the same time and not worry about it so much. When you make so much fuss about it it makes me wonder if you've grown an extra tail or something.'

'You shouldn't be looking at me!' she snapped, hoisting the dress higher over her chest. It was still, after all, more of a chest than a bosom.

'I don't want to _look_ at you, I want to be able to get dressed in the morning and if I happen to _glimpse_ you it won't matter!'

Meruru glared at him. 'I'm going to sit on my bunk with my eyes shut, while _you_ get dressed,' she said. 'Tell me when you're finished. Then you can go, and I can get dressed, and I'll have some _privacy_ and everyone will be happy.' She sprang up onto the top bunk and put her nose against the wall.

'I know what it is,' Van said. 'You don't care about people seeing your _body_, but you don't want me to see your _underwear_.'

'Shut up!'

'That must be some amazing underwear.'

'Shut _up_!'

'Did you have to cut sort of buttonholes for your tail in the knickers, or could you get them ready-made like that?' He tweaked the end of her tail, which was hanging over the edge of the bunk. She twitched it away crossly. 'C'mon, Meruru, I'm just teasing you.'

'You think I'm just a silly little girl,' she said petulantly.

'Sometimes you are one,' he said. 'I thought you wanted to go back to how we always were. Don't you?'

'You don't usually tease me like that.'

'Maybe not that much. But you don't usually make as much of a fuss.'

'I don't know how I want to be,' Meruru said mournfully. 'It's easier being a little girl, and I have more fun. But soon I'll be too old for it and I was trying to get ready.'

Van stepped up on the edge of his bunk and hooked his elbows over the side of Meruru's, so he could talk to her better. She was still sitting with her back to him.

'Growing up does happen by itself, you know,' he told her. 'You don't have to try to induce it.'

'Would you like me better if I was more grown up?'

'I couldn't like you any better than I do. You're my best girl, remember?'

She gave him a half-smile over her shoulder. 'Go on and get dressed. After all, you're the one with a lot to do today.'

They entered Zaibach's airspace at three in the afternoon. Everyone had been getting increasingly tense as the day progressed, lest they should be challenged or outright attacked - previous expeditions had had problems that way - but there were no border patrols, not even any of the air pirates rumoured to be in the area. It began to look as though they would even reach the capital earlier than expected. The representatives met on the bridge of _Crusade_, or at least five of them did. Brother Arctu was on board _Lion Rampant_, engaged in a ritual of intensive prayer with a small group of helpers.

'What's the plan when we get there?' Van asked. 'Where are we going to land?' This had been left up to Serena, as the one with the most familiarity with the local geography.

'The Capitol,' Serena said. 'It's at the dead centre of the city. All the broadcasts used to be made from there and it's where most of the major laboratories were too - Lord Dornkirk's base of operations. People looked up and saw it a dozen times a day. Landing there will give us the most psychological impact. It's also where we're most likely to find useful materials and functioning machinery - I think people would be less likely to loot a place that was held in so much reverence. You've been there already - it's where you were held prisoner. It's a citadel as well as a centre of research and administration.'

'And what will we do there?' asked Brother Ailo.

'I thought we'd see about that when we get there,' Serena said. 'Is that foolish? We need to be adaptable. We should talk to whoever's there, if anyone - be friendly, but be prepared to defend ourselves and leave quickly if necessary. And if we can, we should establish a field HQ there. Move in. It's a very defensible position if our presence there annoys people. And, again, we'll be sending a strong message symbolically.'

'It sounds about right to me,' said Ailo. 'Will the first landing party be we representatives?'

'Naturally.'

'Not Meruru,' said Van. 'I don't want her to leave the ship until we're sure it's safe below.'

'I'd be all right if I was with you,' Meruru said.

'I just don't want to have to worry about you,' he said.

'Brother Arctu will probably not join us either,' Ailo said. 'I think four will be sufficient, in any case. We don't want to look like an invading army.'

It was getting dark as they approached the capital, though it was still only afternoon. Lights were on in some parts of the city, but others were very shadowy.

'The monorail isn't running,' Serena said, looking out the tall bridge windows. 'I wonder if the subways still work?'

'What are they?' Meruru asked, curious as always.

'It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know what a train is either,' Serena said. 'They're transport systems. Public transport, run by the government. Most people don't have vehicles of their own, unless they need one for their work.'

'They must have really bright lamps,' Meruru said. 'Look at the windows. They're like stars, and they don't flicker.'

'Electric lighting,' Serena said. 'It's the same energy that makes lightning, but we can use it to power all sorts of things as well as lamps. There must still be generators running, even if the big wind farm is offline.'

'You can _farm_ wind?'

'Sort of,' Serena said. 'There's technology in Zaibach that no-one's dreamed of in the rest of the world. Just a couple of centuries of totally concentrated effort, research and development, took it from a society a lot like Fanelia to an advanced, industrialised nation. And look where it got them.' She blinked sharply, almost as if trying to keep back tears. 'I'm hungry. Anyone else hungry?' Everyone said no. 'I'm going to see if I can find an apple or something.' She left the bridge.

'What's up with her?' Van asked.

'She gets a bit thingy about this sometimes,' Gadeth said. 'She just likes to be by herself when she thinks about things that upset her. She's fine afterwards. It'll help her pull herself together before we go down there. When we were staying by the sea, after the trial, she started thinking about her mother a lot. She just hadn't had a chance to do that before - think about how she died while she was away. For a few days, she'd go off by herself in the mornings, off round the rocks. So I'd spend the morning fishing, and she'd come back at lunchtime, we'd cook whatever I'd caught - she was a bit subdued, but not really depressed. She was just dealing with it her own way. After that she cheered up, and the rest of it was wine and roses. She still goes quiet sometimes and I think that's what she's thinking about. If she wanted to talk about it she would. So I just wait for her.' He had been looking down at the city while he spoke, and now he glanced at Van as though remembering he was there. 'That's probably more information than you wanted, of course.'

'Just so long as she pulls herself together,' Van said, 'it doesn't matter to me.'

'That's what she's doing,' Gadeth said. They watched as the blocky buildings of the capital slid by under _Crusade_'s belly. They were proceeding slightly ahead of the larger ship while _Lion Rampant_ brought up the rear.

_We're going into the dark_, Van thought.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	12. Alone

**Chapter Twelve**

'And who, young lady, is "V"?' Yukari asked archly.

Hitomi looked up with a guilty little gasp. She hadn't realised Yukari was behind her - she must have gotten up from her side of the table and stolen round behind her without Hitomi noticing. They were doing their homework at Yukari's house, or were supposed to be - for the last few minutes Hitomi had been quietly absorbed in filling the margin of a page with little interlocking hearts with 'V' and 'H' in them. It was a kind of wishful thinking, or witchful thinking, trying to bind his heart to hers. She tried to put her hand over the hearts, though of course it was too late for that to do any good.

'Come on - who is it?' Yukari pressed her. 'Is this who you've been moping about? What's he like? Is he hot? Is he anyone I know?'

'No. No, you've never met him.' _Well, you did the first time it happened, but then something happened to time, and no, you didn't._

'That's only one answer! What about the rest of them? If you've got a boyfriend too, that's great!' She grinned at Hitomi, relieved to think that this was the answer to the mystery.

'He's - he's far away. I can't see him.'

'Oh.' Yukari looked really sorry. 'That sucks. I know just how you feel.'

'No you don't,' Hitomi said. She realised that sounded hurtful, and tried to explain. 'Amano's in England but he writes to you all the time, and you talk online, and you know for sure that he loves you because he reminds you all the time. This guy he never keeps in touch any more. I don't know if he's stopped caring, or if he's having some kind of problem, or what. There's no way for me to find out. So I just have to sit here and wish for him.'

'This isn't one of those dopey e-romances, is it?' Yukari asked. 'You can't kid yourself that you're in love with someone you've never met. If he's stopped mailing you you should just try to forget him. He was probably fat, forty and Finnish, anyway.'

'No, it's real life,' Hitomi said. _It was either realler than anything else that's ever happened to me, or a dream an illusion_

'Oh.' Yukari looked thoughtful. 'Well did he go to our school? You've got to give me something to work with, even if you don't want to tell me all about him.'

'No, he didn't.' Hitomi folded her arms on the table in front of her, and rested her cheek on them. 'But if you want to know all about him well, he's the same age as us. His parents are dead and he lost his older brother too, so he was mainly brought up by an old soldier and the only one who gave him much affection was a little cat. He can seem awfully stubborn and arrogant when you first meet him but it's just because he worries so much and he wants to be strong he can be so kind, though. He's incredibly brave, although terrible things happen to him and I know he gets really scared. He has thick black hair, and it usually hangs over his eyes he's got eyes the colour of chocolate and skin the colour of honey.' It surprised her a little how easy it was to tell about Van quite truthfully and still make him sound like an ordinary person. If only it were as easy to make him an ordinary person.

'And how do you know this sweetie?' Yukari asked.

'I don't want to tell you,' Hitomi said. It was a total lie but she couldn't begin to tell Yukari the truth. There was just too much of it, and it sounded too much like the fantasies of a over-imaginative schoolgirl who had been reading King Arthur stories and watching _Star Wars_ until her brain's reality filter burst. Either fantasies, or actual delusions. There were times when she wondered if she could have imagined the whole thing, especially now she no longer saw Van maybe she was actually getting saner and that was why she could no longer see him. She had had an imaginary friend when she was little, a friendly wolf who kept her company and growled at anyone who was mean to her. Could she have come up with an imaginary lover and thought herself into believing he was real? But if she had, why would it have been Van? Allen would have made far more sense from a romantic-hero point of view, especially since he was so much like the boy she'd had a crush on to begin with. But Van was the only one she could think of now, skinny legs, bad temper and all. He was just too _real_ not to exist.

'Fine then,' said Yukari huffily. 'Be mysterious. I'll find out sooner or later.' She flounced back to her side of the table and cracked open her English textbook, refusing to look at Hitomi.

Hitomi sighed and looked again at her Hs and Vs. _I miss him. It really hurts. Sometimes missing him and hurting are all I can do._ She thought she was probably going to drive herself into a depression, not just feeling sad but something clinical. Perhaps that was a self-indulgent idea. There were probably people with far more to be depressed about, but that wasn't a very comforting thought. She kept listening to sad music, singing along with Bic Runga till her voice cracked and her little brother Mamoru yelled through her closed door 'For God's sake play something else!' _Say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do. Sway my way - yeah, I need to know all about you. It's all because of you._ She had been reading fantasy novels and manga because immersing herself in another world was a little bit, somehow, like going back to Gaea. Sometimes she identified furiously with the heroine - of course, there was no shortage of manga stories where a girl was whisked into a confusing magical world, met a handsome hero and had perilous adventures with him. _Fushigi Yuugi_ was her favourite at the moment. She liked to think she had been a little less useless than Yuuki Miaka - and of course, unquestionably, Van was cuter than Tamahome. (Picking between Allen and Hotohori would have been hard, though.)

On the other hand, one series of novels, by an English writer called Diana Wynne Jones (translated editions - her own English wasn't _that_ good yet), hadn't particularly reminded her of her situation until she got to the end of the last book, _The Crown of Dalemark_, and the hero and heroine were separated by time travel, with her returning to her own time three centuries on from his. Then Maewen found out that Mitt had lived all along to catch up with her, because he'd turned out to be Undying (one of the immortals of their world), and realised 'He's three hundred years old. I'm fourteen.' That was the kind of division she was thinking about, the kind of aching impossibility. At the end of the book it was implied that Mitt and Maewen would be together again, because he had left her a message and she was setting out to find him, but you didn't _know_. And that was all the author left you with. Hitomi felt she was considerably worse off than Maewen and Miaka put together.

The other day she had been in a shop with Yukari and the muzak had been playing American songs from the sixties, rock and roll and soul. Yukari was trying on one top after another without ever making up her mind and Hitomi had been amusing herself while she waited, testing herself to see if she could understand the English words of the songs. A woman was singing something about leaving on a midnight train, and suddenly one phrase leapt out of the song and hit her in the heart: _I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine._ The words had gone round and round in her head all the rest of that day, and she had dreamed about Van that night, with more bittersweet intensity than usual. Could she ever say that and mean it? Could she leave her own dear, safe world again? Did she love Van enough?

_Maybe he didn't love me enough. Not enough to wait without knowing if we could ever be together. Maybe he's smarter than that and he's forgetting me. He could have found someone else probably not Meruru, but there are more girls in the world than Meruru. I wish he'd tell me so I knew whether or not to hope. Whether or not to dream. He never kissed me but I dream about that all the time, his strong arms and his warm mouth and the tawny boy-smell of his hair I dream we're flying together, his wings are lifting me and shielding me, and the warm dragon wind is in our hair and the air is full of light and perfume I dream I'm falling and he catches me. And I dream that he's just holding me and I'm holding him and neither of us will ever let go. H and V together in a heart._

Yukari sneaked a peek over the top of her book. Hitomi was sitting perfectly still, gazing blankly at a point on the tabletop, with tears dripping steadily down her face. She didn't know Yukari was looking at her. She didn't seem aware of anything in the world. Yukari knew she should speak to her, should try to comfort her, but it seemed impossible. She didn't know how to help. Hitomi didn't even trust her enough to tell her what the problem really was. She raised the book again before Hitomi could notice she had been looking.

Rafel watched the ships arrive from his 'front porch.' He'd expanded the little hut, bringing up sheets of cardboard and iron and old sacks, whatever he could find to put together as walls and roofs. He had quite a little warren now. The rats didn't run away from him any more. They probably thought he was just a larger rat without a tail. Fortunately, he had found a tin box with a firm lid, so he could keep the cheeky buggers out of his food. He covered his head when he went to sleep so he wouldn't have to wake up with them running over his face. The front porch was a little awning made from old plastic bags stretched over wire. He crouched there and watched them come cutting through the sky, so graceful you thought they were slow until you realised how much closer they were now than they had been a few moments ago. One big and two little. Mum and two babies.

He couldn't think what they were doing here. Two were Asturian and one was from Freid. He used to have a book, all the classes of ships, their names the Asturian little one was a bit unusual, old-looking, but he recognised the national style. It took him a few minutes to realise they were heading straight for his building, straight for the Capitol, lowering down over it.

'Shit,' he muttered, and scurried to the stairwell. He didn't like to go down through the building proper, usually used the fire stairs to get down to ground level, because you never knew what you were going to find in those rooms, except that you could be sure of finding places to hide. But he didn't go down yet. He wanted to see. He crouched just inside the stairwell, holding the door open a crack. He hadn't seen airships in months.

The little Asturian came down the lowest, right down, getting level with the roof, banking and dipping into position. Grappling hooks shot out, embedded themselves in the tiles and drew the ship close. Ramps extended from its rear and - he caught his breath at this, which was dumb because there must have been people on board the ship to steer it and everything - people came out.

He thought 'two men and two boys' at first, but then the shaven-headed man moved and he could see the taller boy better and it was a girl, dressed like a knight. They were all different from each other. Asturian, at least some of them must be Asturian. Shaven-Head looked like he was from Freid and he just couldn't tell about the other boy, the only boy, a kid with skinny legs, light armour cladding his shoulders and chest, but Rafel's eyes kept going back to the skinny legs - he looked too delicate. Shaven-Head, Stick-Boy, the girl-knight and the tall man. There must be more on the ships but they were the only ones on his roof. They all had swords; they all moved with the kind of agile caution that meant they probably knew how to use them. They were looking around carefully, but he knew how to be hard to see. For once it wasn't a windy night, and their voices carried to him.

'It looks like there's no-one here,' said Shaven-Head.

'Well, it was all dark from the outside, but there could still be people downstairs,' said Girl-Knight. 'It's bigger than it looks because it goes a long way underground, too. I know my way around parts of it but there are a lot Dilandau just never visited.'

Rafel caught his breath. Dilandau. He must be their prisoner. They must have tortured him to get information. It would have taken a lot to break Dilandau-sama. It was hard to imagine what they must have done. Some people said Dilandau-sama was dead but that had never made sense to Rafel. It wasn't as if the government released information like that anyway, so how did they know? When there was a government. And there was no way to find out now.

'I don't want to go down there without backup,' said Tall-Man. 'Not now that I get a look at the place. Let's get some men into parties and we'll start reconnoitring.'

'Agreed,' said Shaven-Head.

'Right you are,' said Girl-Knight. 'Small groups, though. If there are people inside, they're not necessarily hostile and we shouldn't make them panic.'

Stick-Boy wasn't talking, just looking around, very suspicious, crouching like a panther. The others just kept their hands on the hilts of their swords but he had his drawn and ready, shining in front of him, catching such light as there was.

'Put it away,' Girl-Knight said to him irritably. 'You look like you've come to murder someone.'

'You never know who might try to murder us,' said Stick-Boy.

'Here's a concept for you,' said Girl-Knight. 'Everyone in Zaibach is not a freakin' maniac. Some of them are actually human beings. Some of them might get scared and run away when they see you prowling around like that, which will make them really disinclined to co-operate with us.' She had a pretty voice but she sounded hard.

'Let's tell the men the plan and get started,' said Shaven-Head. Rafel didn't need telling. He was down the stairs so fast and quiet you would have had to be another rat to notice him.

Soldiers of Asturia, Fanelia and Freid moved slowly, cautiously down through the Capitol building, carrying lights. They moved in small groups, calling to each other and answering all the time so no one group ever got too far out of earshot if they had to yell for help. Some found echoing halls with strange, still machinery in them. Some found offices and closets. Some found kitchens and gymnasiums and one very surprised group found a ballroom. Everywhere was empty of people, although there seemed to be a lot of rats and mice, and bats in the more cavernous rooms. Once there were people moving around in it, voices going back and forth, it was not even a particularly sinister place, and people began, if not to relax, to move down to a lower level of tension. They were getting down to the ground floor. Everyone from the ships was scouting, except Meruru and Brother Arctu, and a handful of guards. Despite her protests that she wanted to help, and her pointing out that as a cat she was ideally suited, being able to see in the dark, Meruru had been left on _Lion Rampant_ under the monk's supervision

'Please don't try to follow us,' Van had whispered in her ear, and she had stopped protesting. When he turned away from her he found Serena was watching him. She raised one eyebrow expressively before walking off to give the Crusaders their orders. Van was irritated, yes, but the first thing he'd felt had been a little twinge of shame. Then he'd felt belligerent; why should he be ashamed? He was allowed to ask Meruru to do something for him. Friends did that. If Serena wanted to think there was something inappropriate going on, that was just her dirty mind at work. He was just thinking this as Meruru said 'Be careful' and kissed him on the cheek, and that messed all his thoughts up.

'What?' she said, seeing his face. 'It's a kiss for luck. I'm allowed to give you a kiss for luck. A sister could give a brother a kiss for luck. I'm going to stop saying "kiss for luck" right now.'

'Don't worry about it,' Van said. 'Thank you. It was, it was nice. Of you to think of that. Um.'

'I'll just go now,' she said, and hurried away.

'Ohhhh no, _you're_ "not doing anything" with Meruru,' Serena said as she passed him going somewhere else. He darted after her and caught her shoulder, yanked her around to face him.

'Don't say that! It isn't like that. And shut up before someone hears you.' She rolled her eyes at him.

'Oh per-lease. No-one is interested except me because I'm so evil. I don't even think it's particularly wrong, except it's funny to get you in a tizzy about it. Just so long as you remember how young she is. And how young you are, for that matter.'

'You're the same age I am.'

'And married already. Isn't that a kick in the teeth?'

'You make _no_ sense,' he hissed at her.

'And you are _so_ easy to bait,' she retorted gleefully. He glared at her.

'You've got a real cruel streak, you know,' he said. That, to his surprise, actually seemed to hit her. Her mouth twitched a little bit as though she had tasted something bad. Then she drew herself up to her full height - still a little taller than him.

'I don't have time to waste bickering with you right now,' she said, and stalked off. He watched her go, feeling semi-pleased with himself for bothering her, but mainly ashamed because she was right, it was wasting time. So maybe she had won that round after all.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	13. The Prisoner

**Chapter Thirteen**

The recce parties were reaching the ground floor now. Serena and Gadeth were investigating a long room which seemed to be entirely full of filing cabinets. Someone had been through here, yanking out some drawers, scattering papers and folders around, but it had been some time ago to judge by the depth of the dust on the debris. Gadeth crouched down and picked up a few sheets, while Serena held the lamp over him, looking over his shoulder.

'They're people's dossiers,' she said. 'Files of medical records, scholastic records, employment just the details of their lives.'

'Why did they want all that information?'

'You never know what detail is going to be important,' Serena said. 'There were a lot of aptitude tests all the way through school. Dilandau was a special case, being tailor-made so to speak, but that was how most of the Dragonslayers were selected.' He glanced up at her; it was hard to see her face clearly, above the lamp, but she sounded sad. 'Picked out of school, taken away from their families, trained up from childhood. It was supposed to be a big honour. I really hate it when children are made to serve the purposes of adults. I keep wanting to protect Cid from that.'

'I don't think he'd let anyone do that to him,' Gadeth said. 'You really love him, don't you?'

'He's easy to love,' she said. 'And I like how I am when I'm with him. It's nice to feel like I can be motherly.'

'I think you're going to be a great mother,' he said. 'Remember, you've got to expect at least three babies. I'll do my best to deliver.'

'Hopefully not too soon. If I can have you all to myself for a couple of years before we turn into parents, I'll be happy.'

'But you do want to have children, right? You've said before that you do.'

'Course I do,' she said, and smiled down at him. 'Scruffy little Finn children - though of course ours will be too well-trained to hide under sofas.'

He straightened up, smiling too. 'We really shouldn't get into conversations like this when we're At Work.'

'I know, it's such a bind. If you kiss me that's not showing the proper respect for your commanding officer.'

'If you kiss _me_ you're taking advantage of a junior officer. Of course, no-one has to know. We could have a conspiracy of silence.'

'We really don't take anything seriously enough, do we?' She put her arms round his neck.

'I think we're still covered by the Newlyweds Excuse. I think we get to keep that for at least six months after the wedding, as long as we're not actively nauseating anyone else. So'

'Wait a moment.'

'What?'

'I just had a thought.' She was stepping away from him, to his disappointment.

'Oh good, one of them.'

She turned and went to the far end of the long room, to the door out. 'If we're in the part of the building where I think we are, then I know what's near here.'

'Don't just dash off, remember you've got the light.' He caught up with her as she opened the door and went through into the corridor beyond.

'We are where I think we are,' she said. 'So from here it would be first right second left oh my left again and straight on to the to the door there.'

'What is it? What's wrong?' She was doing her fast-walking thing and he was having to hurry to keep up, even though his legs were longer.

'It's not exactly that anything's wrong,' she said. 'It's just that this part of the building, out the back here, was used for Dragonslayer training. In here,' she opened the door, 'was the dormitory.'

'I didn't know they were based here,' Gadeth said, as Serena raised the lamp to illuminate the room.

'Not really based. There were several facilities around the country. We - no, I'm going to say they now. They were moved around, for different phases of training, and also because they weren't supposed to get settled down in one place. Their sense of place, sense of identity, had to come simply from belonging to the group, being chosen.' She looked around. Probably because it was at the back of the building, and on the ground floor, there had been some looting here, but it was only the removal of useful items, not the destruction or defacement of anything. Pretty disciplined looting. Some of the bedsteads had been liberated, and the ones that remained had lost their mattresses. There had not been a lot else to take. The place still had an air of military austerity.

'It's so weird to see the place without them,' she said thoughtfully. 'Without the smell of that gunk Dalet used to put on his hair, without being able to hear Gatti whistling somewhere he was a really terrible whistler, got on everyone's nerves, but he kept doing it absent-mindedly Dilandau whacked it out of him eventually. Ugh.' She set the lamp on the end of a bed.

'If you don't like being here'

'I'm just having a look round. Through there's the changing room, and the showers. So here you have it. A temple of not-boyhood. And some of them were such nice kids. I just keep remembering that. And Dilandau was such a little shit to them.'

Rafel had been listening long enough. She knew too much about it. She was probably the torturer. These two must be pretty stupid, going off alone together. They'd never noticed him following, keeping to the shadows. He wasn't scared of them anyway. He had a crowbar he'd found a few weeks ago. Even if he couldn't stop them all taking over here, or whatever they were trying to do, he could at least try to take these two out. They were facing away from him, never saw him coming, didn't hear his soft ragged steps. He lifted the crowbar and swung it at Tall-Man's head and the idiot moved, stepped to the side, so the swing was wrong and the bar connected heavily with his shoulder. Still, it knocked him to his knees. Girl-Knight swung round, drawing her sword, and glared at Rafel. He gripped the bar tighter.

'Shit!' Gadeth exclaimed, trying to get back up in time. Whoever it was rushed past him, a sort of leaping, hooded heap of rags, swinging a crowbar, striking at Serena. She blocked it easily, and with the next stroke slammed the bar to the floor. The attacker made a high noise of fear in his throat and turned to run, straight into Gadeth, who twisted his arms behind him and held him like a trap. The next second Serena was in his face, pressing the edge of the sword to his throat.

'If you hurt Gadeth,' she said, 'you make me very, very angry. I may have to mess you up a little.' Her eyes were blazing.

'He's a kid,' Gadeth said, surprised. 'He's skin and bones under this coat.'

'What?' said Serena, and yanked back the boy's hood. A round-eyed young face stared back at her, framed by straggly light-brown hair. He was very dirty. She could smell him now and that was enough to make her wish she couldn't.

'Oh my God,' said Rafel. 'D-don't kill me, sir.' He didn't even dare swallow with the steel against his skin.

She stepped back. 'I'm not going to kill you.' She took a deep breath and let it out. 'No, definitely not going to. Are you all right, Gadeth?'

'Nothing's broken,' Gadeth said. 'I'm just going to have a really good bruise.' He rolled his shoulder round and winced.

'Good,' she said. 'Not good a bruise, good nothing's broken. Make him sit on that bed there.' Gadeth manoeuvred Rafel to the nearest bedstead and made him sit on the slats where the mattress should be. Serena followed, and stood over the boy. She had still not put her sword away. She was tapping the side of the blade against her leg. His eyes kept shooting nervously to the blade, then back to her face.

'Nice to meet you,' she said. Her manner was stern, but not savage. 'Obviously, you don't like formal introductions, but please bear with us. My name is Serena Scherazade Schezar Finn and I am a Knight of Heaven from Asturia. I don't care if you call me sir, I just want to hear it in your voice. The gentleman holding you is Sergeant Gadeth Finn. Do you want to be called sir, Gadeth?'

'It'd be good,' said Gadeth.

'Okay. So,' she said, and bent over, closer to Rafel's face, 'what do we call you?'

'Rafel Labariel.' That seemed to mean something to her. She raised her eyebrows.

'Are you related to Migel Labariel?'

'He's my brother.'

She stood back., and sheathed her sword. Rafel was confused. There was something like pity in her eyes now, and her tone had lost its sarcasm. 'I guess they didn't tell you. I'm sorry to be the bearer of this news, but Migel Labariel died several months ago in Freid.'

'Migel died?'

'He was killed by a covert operative of Strategos Folken's while trying to escape from the Duke's castle. Migel had been taken prisoner in a battle and was being held there. His escape threatened the other guy's cover, so he killed Migel, even though they were on the same side. It was a really low thing to do.'

'Migel died?'

'I'm sorry, Rafel,' she said. She crouched down in front of him; now she was looking up at him. He couldn't think what to make of that. 'He was a very brave soldier. He was betrayed.'

'You're, you're just telling me this to demoralise me. You made Dilandau-sama tell you people's names. You're making it up.'

'I'm not,' she said, and she sounded as though she wished she were. 'Dilandau avenged Migel's death, if it makes you feel any better. He killed the spy, in turn.'

'He did that for my brother?'

'Migel was a Dragonslayer. Dilandau may have been tough on them, but he didn't let anyone else get away with hurting them.'

Rafel was starting to tremble. Serena could see his face working as he strove not to cry in front of her.

'But,' he managed to say, 'you've killed Dilandau-sama. Or worse. I'm not going to listen to anything you say. You won't get anything out of me.'

Serena sighed. 'Dilandau Albatou is dead as well. He killed himself just recently, near Pallas, Asturia. I was there, but I didn't choose for it to happen. There are no Dragonslayers left. The Dragon won. It's no good to fight us, Rafel, but we're not going to hurt you. We've really come to help.' She put her hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it away.

'Yeah, right.'

Serena paused, looking for the right words. 'I knew Dilandau. I knew him very well. I understand what he must mean to you, the idea of him that was sold to you. And I have a brother myself, and there was a time when I was afraid he would be killed. I understand how you feel. I'm not a bad person. You can trust me. How old are you?'

'Thir - thirteen. Nearly fourteen.'

'Are you here all by yourself?'

'Piss off. I'm not a baby.'

'Are you by yourself?'

'Yes. I live here by myself. Get out of my house.' Grief was making him recklessly rude. He hated her, and everyone.

'Where are your parents?'

'They died months ago. My father was mugged coming back from the shops with food for us. They hit him on the head and he died a few days later. My mother got a chest infection and died after that. It's your fault, you and the Fanelians and those bastards from Basram. We should have won. Fate was on our side.'

'Fate isn't on anyone's side,' Gadeth said. 'You shouldn't count on it.' Over Rafel's head, he said to Serena 'He shouldn't be here alone. I say we take him up and give him a feed and see what we can do with him.'

'Good idea,' said Serena. 'Come on, Rafel. Whether you like it or not, your life begins anew today. You'll get used to it. And that's the voice of experience talking.'

They'd put him in the brig on the little ship from Freid. He was locked in. They weren't guarding him though. Just locking him in. If he hadn't tried to break free and run away on the roof they might not have, and he could have gotten away later, but he'd just panicked at the thought of being pushed on board one of those ships, where they'd do who-knew-what to him. He didn't believe for a second that they didn't want to hurt him. That was exactly what they _would_ say. He was glad he didn't really know anything important.

It had done no good to try to run. The tall man, Gadeth, was just too strong. Rafel was wiry but he didn't get enough to eat and he certainly wasn't strong enough to force a grown man to let go of him. He couldn't think why the girl knight was higher ranking than him, because she was clearly younger as well as a girl, but it seemed she was, although the way they talked to each other was very familiar. He had been confused by their names, especially Serena's, full of sch's and z's, but he thought they had the same last name. Relatives, maybe. It would explain why she went ballistic about him whacking Gadeth. So she wasn't inhuman. The pity might not have been all an act. He had to try to think what he could do. The brig was just one cabin, leftover space, with a bench on chains that could be folded up against the wall. He sat there and tried to think hard, but he was scared and tired and hungry. They had left him a couple of bread rolls, some cold meat and a glass of juice, but he was afraid of poison or drugs so he wasn't touching that.

The smell of the food was not strong but it was really getting to him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten fresh bread, or even day-olds. He decided to watch the door opposite the bench. There was a barred window about halfway up. After a few minutes, a face appeared at it. A copper-furred catgirl with blue eyes. She stared at him seriously for some time without speaking. He wasn't going to talk to her.

'I'm Meruru,' she said after a while. 'Serena told me you're called Rafel.'

Meruru waited for an answer. He just stared at her. She tried again.

'She asked me to come by and say hello to you. They've all gone to find something called the public address system and the generator and try to announce that they're here. I'm still not allowed to get out of the ship so she thought I could keep you company.'

'I don't need the company of a beast.'

'You're the one in a cage,' she retorted huffily. 'And I happen to be the official secretary of the King of Fanelia, so watch how you talk to me.'

'Fanelia? We wasted Fanelia.'

'You're really out of date, aren't you? Fanelia's nearly rebuilt. A lot of people died, but new ones are being born. And because we're allies with Asturia and Freid Fanelia is more important in the world now than Zaibach ever will be again.'

'Poor world.'

'Poor you.'

'People aren't going to put up with this,' he said. 'They've got some pride left. We're not going to be ruled by a bunch of prettyboys and peasants and priests just because they come in with a big bloody ship and make announcements.'

'Well, I don't know how far pride is going to get them,' Meruru said. 'If they fight, Van-sama will beat them. He beat all the Dragonslayers.'

'Shut up,' Rafel said. 'You're lying.'

'No, he did. It wasn't good for him, and weird things happened, but he's still alive and they're not, so you work it out.'

'The Dragonslayers,' Rafel said, in measured tones, 'are the flower of Zaibach and its flame. They are our first and finest fifteen. Even to be chosen for pre-selection training is an honour.' He was reciting. It had been in the papers so many times. The papers had never said anything about the Dragonslayers being defeated. But he'd heard someone say, down in the city alleys a while ago, 'Of course, you mustn't believe everything you read. And sometimes you can't rely on what you don't read, either.'

'Well, where are they now? What did you think, they were just hiding somewhere till it was safe and then they'd come back and rescue you?'

'M-my big brother's in the Dragonslayers,' Rafel said, and started to cry. He couldn't stop. He'd been praying for that all along.

Since Migel was selected they didn't get to see him any more, but his picture was in the papers, in the magazines, and they always went to see him in the parades and show-day exhibitions. He didn't always see them but they were pretty sure he usually waved just to them. Rafel sat on his dad's shoulders and watched them go by, shining blue and black, and Dilandau-sama in the front like a red ember. Rafel just knew he'd look more like that when he got older and his hair stopped sticking up at the back, and he'd learn to fight like that somehow, and one day someone would notice and they'd say well, why not sixteen Slayers? Or they might even drop someone else so he could be in.

He had so many dreams, and day-dreams, where the Dragonslayers flew back over the city again, the cloaks streaming round their Alseides, and where they passed over the lights came back on and people came out of the houses and cheered. And they hovered over his roof, and he came out of his shelter, and one guymelef landed on the roof and he felt the tiles quake. The cockpit opened and there was Migel, and he smiled just like he did in the pictures, and said 'Come on - let's get out of here.'

And when that happened, Rafel would run and jump up onto the Alseides' shoulder, and he'd just hang on tight and they'd fly away, and then the magnificent adventures would begin. Dilandau-sama would say he didn't know what they'd do without Rafel. They'd win all their fights and live like kings. He held onto that dream so tightly at night, when it got really cold and he could hear the rats sniffing around him and he knew no-one knew where he was, and it always made him a little bit warm.

'Please don't cry,' said Meruru. 'I'm sorry. I didn't know you were upset. Serena didn't mention - look, I'm sorry about what happened to your brother. Please don't cry. It's really going to be all right now.'

Rafel tried hard to stop, but he just couldn't. It was the most he'd cried in years; there were tears, there was snot, it was uncontrollable.

'What if I get the key?' Meruru said. 'I could get the key and I could come in and we could talk properly. You should eat that dinner, it'll make you feel better. And then you could have a wash and I'll find you some clean clothes. Would that be good?' Rafel couldn't answer but he managed a nod. 'Okay. I'll go and ask them. Just wait there. Well, of course' Her face disappeared from the window and he could hear her dash away.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	14. Announcements

**Chapter Fourteen**

'You put him on board _Lion Rampant_?' Van said. 'But I left Meruru there!'

'She'll be perfectly fine,' Serena assured him. 'He's under lock and key, since he tried to bite Gadeth, the little rat. And there's not much he could do to her anyway. He's a scrawny little thing under all those stinking rags. Do you think you can carry another couple of rods?'

They were collecting rods of Energist from a supply closet on the fourth floor. Serena said they needed them to make the emergency generator go, and all its rods were either spent or cracked. Cracked ones were dangerous because they sometimes arced energy onto nearby conductive objects. Fortunately, more were stored in an area that looters didn't seem to have reached.

'Why does it take so many?' Van asked. 'It sounds pretty inefficient to me.'

'Once we get the emergency generator up it'll light this whole building and probably make the machinery work too,' Serena said. 'When you invent the lightbulb, then you can come and criticise our systems.'

'I guess it feels good for you to be home,' Van said dryly.

'What do you mean by that?' She looked at him suspiciously over the slipping stack of rods she was balancing in her arms.

'Well, you said _our_ systems. You must be feeling proud of Zaibach.'

'It was a slip of the tongue and you know it,' she said. 'Let's just get the rods to the generator and not talk to each other.' She opened the door with her foot, a precarious manoeuvre, and leaned against it to hold it open for him.

'You do like being here, though,' he said as he sidled by. 'You keep running around showing people stuff and saying "Oh, _I_ know where that is!", all proud and chuffed. You should just admit it.'

'I'm enjoying being _useful_,' Serena said. 'It's a good feeling to be able to help everyone. You know perfectly well that it feels nice to be important.'

'Fair enough,' he conceded. 'But I'm going to be watching you. I think you like all this stuff a little too much.'

She sighed peevishly. 'Look, of course I feel comfortable here. I have ten years of memories of places like this versus five and a half of Asturia. People seem to keep forgetting about the _duration_ of it. Halls like this seem _normal_ to me. Being able to turn on a light with a switch in the wall seems normal to me. If it's not things that I can objectively see now were wrong and weird, like the hitting and the screaming and the burning, the things that Dilandau accepted as normal are still down as normal in my book. The gaslights in Asturia, now. They seem right enough to me, but old-fashioned. There are still a lot of gaslights around here and they were used a lot of the time on the floating fortresses. Electricity's just more efficent and reliable for a city. Normally we - they generate it from wind and water turbines, and that way it's an endless resource, so Energists can be reserved for military hardware that needs a self-contained power source, or for emergency use like this.' She nodded to a pair of closed double doors they were passing. 'That's an elevator, like a dumbwaiter for people to ride in. When we've got the power on we won't have to climb the stairs to get up and down in the building. It'll make it a lot easier to investigate the underground levels.'

'Whee,' said Van. 'I can hardly wait. All right, I'll give you the electricity. Still well, don't you just have that feeling the whole time you're here, that this is not a good place? It makes my back creep.'

'There are places in this building where I'm not happy to be, yes,' she said. 'I'm really not looking forward to going underground because that's where the sorcerors worked.'

'I guess Folken spent a lot of time down there once,' Van said. They both got quiet for a while, walking on through the winding halls, climbing the dark staircases. The Energist rods gave off a soft pink light, but it didn't go far. The generator room was on the seventh floor, three levels further up.

'There's no thirteenth floor,' Serena remarked as they reached the sixth floor. 'Because thirteen is considered unlucky on the Phantom Moon. So the floors just go from twelve to fourteen. Every multi-storey building in the country is numbered that way. It's funny, the kinds of details you've got to think of when you're constructing an empire on the manipulation of luck and destiny.'

'Funny's not the word,' said Van. 'I'll be glad when we've got some lights on in here.'

Rafel was finishing off the food when Meruru got back with the key to the brig door. He'd decided that, if Migel was dead too, it might not be such a bad thing to die himself, and of course, if the food _wasn't_ poisoned, then he would have had a good meal. The logic of that didn't trouble him too much at the moment. It was more than he'd had to eat all at once for ages. His stomach hurt a little when he'd stuffed it all down, but he didn't think he was going to throw up.

'Gosh,' said Meruru through the grille. 'You _were_ hungry. I've got the key, but I'm warning you, I've also got a guard with me so you can't try to run away or do anything dumb. You wait back there while we get the door open.' Rafel sat on the bench and heard metal moving, a key turning in a lock and a bar being lifted. The door opened and now he could see all of Meruru, backed up by a burly man, shaven-headed but not the Shaven-Head he'd seen on the roof. There might be a lot of Freid warriors around. Meruru was a little shorter than he himself - he hadn't been able to tell, and to his surprise, she seemed about his age. He wasn't sure why he'd thought she'd be older, because she didn't have an old-sounding voice. She was wearing a loose orange dress with black spots on it, a waist-length brown leather jacket and sheepskin boots with the fleece side inside that came up to her knees. She looked a little wild, as you would expect from a beast of Fanelia. She was wearing more clothes than he would have expected for a catgirl, though, which made her seem a bit civilised.

'Come on, then,' she said. 'I've got some water heating up so you can have a bath.'

Of course there wasn't a real bathroom on board a ship, but there was a tin hip-bath in front of a glowing pot-bellied stove in a cabin. Meruru left him with a big jug of hot water, a bar of orange soap, two towels and the news that she was going to find some clothes that would fit him. The monk-guard was going to stay outside the door till she got back. Rafel looked conscientiously around the room once he was alone, trying to see anything he could use to effect an heroic escape, but what he really wanted to do was get scrubbing, so he shelved that idea for the time being and concentrated on getting out of the layers of his clothes. Some of them were held on with string, and the knots had pulled tight with wear so he had to cut the strings with his pocket knife. Everything was greasy and smelled rank. The layers fell heavily on the floor like dead things.

He emptied out his assorted pockets as he went, finding a few things he'd forgotten he was keeping. He put all the important things together in a pile - his knife, the same kind they used in the Army; the small picture frame with the family portrait in it, from before Migel was selected; the group picture of the Dragonslayers that was in the paper when war was declared, folded and refolded so many times that the newsprint was wearing off along the creases; his social security card and Mum's necklace, wadded up in grubby tissue-paper. He kicked everything else into a big heap at the side of the room. The air was colder the further he got from the stove so he hurried back.

He hadn't had all his clothes off for ages and it was shocking how dirty he was; somehow the dirt got through all those rags, or maybe it came out of them. He had a lot of fleabites. Thank God he'd never got scabies or ringworm. Rafel hadn't had a chance to have a bath in months, but he hadn't actually taken one for years because he preferred showers. He wasn't totally sure how to manage the pitcher and the bath at first, but he decided in the end to stand in the bath, pour a little water over himself to get wet enough to make lather, soap and scrub all over and then rinse off. At the end of that he was ankle-deep in warm, opaque grey water, with a sort of sheen on the surface, his skin was still greyish and he hadn't even gotten to his hair and face. Still, he felt a lot fresher. He wrapped a towel round his hips and went to the door, which he opened a crack, and put his head out. The guard was standing against the other side of the corridor, watching the door, and Meruru was leaning next to him with a bag on the floor at her feet.

'You don't look like you've even started,' she said indignantly. Of course, his head was all she could see.

'I need more hot water,' he explained. 'I've run out and I'm only half clean.'

'Wow,' she said. 'I gave you lots to start with.' But she went away to bring more.

Two more pitchers later Rafel was really clean at last. In fact, he had given himself one more complete going-over just as a luxury. The bar of soap was down to a sliver. His hair had been tangled to begin with, and washing it had made the tangles into knots, but he couldn't do anything about that. Maybe he could just get it cut off now. Meruru had given him the bag of clothes with the second pitcher, so he turned his attention to those. They were about the right size, perhaps a little big. She had even given him a choice of things. He put on undershorts, feeling strange about the fact that they must be borrowed from someone, thick grey socks, a heavy khaki flannel shirt and dark-brown trousers. There were no shoes in the bag and he didn't want to put on the old galosh and bedroom-slipper he'd been making do with lately, so he just left it at the socks. He put the small things in his pockets, slid the Dragonslayers cutting into the back of the picture frame and held that in his hands. He couldn't do any more. He'd have to go out.

'You look a _lot_ better now,' Meruru said when he emerged into the corridor, 'but what happened to your hair? It's like felt.'

'I really just need to get it cut off,' he said. He was caught between feeling very grateful to her for making him so much more comfortable, and trying to stay suspicious and wary in case this was a trap.

'I can cut it for you,' she said. 'I cut Van-sama's hair for him last time. He said I made it too short, but you want short, right? Are the clothes a good fit?'

'Yes - thanks.'

'They're Van-sama's too. I thought he'd be the closest to your size. I hope he won't mind me lending them to you. I had to go over to the other ship to get them, but don't tell him I went outside.'

'I'm wearing his clothes?'

'Don't get sniffy about that,' Meruru warned him. 'They're a lot better than what you had on before. We'll have to burn those. Let's go and find some scissors.'

It was when she was making a haphazard attempt to at least break some of the clumps with a comb before starting to cut that Meruru suddenly exclaimed 'Oh, eurgh!'

'What?'

'You've got _nits_,' she said. 'You're crawling with them. Some of them have got _wings_. Yuck!' She stepped back fast, in case of contamination.

Rafel shrank down in his borrowed clothes with shame. The monk guard, who had kept watch over them all the time, suddenly stepped forward, pulling a curved dagger out of his belt. Rafel half leapt, half fell off the chair Meruru had put him in and shot into the corner of the room.

'You _kill_ people for having _nits_?' he yelped.

'Of course not,' said the guard, looking bewildered. 'Your head will have to be shaved. This is what I do mine with. Except yours will be all over.' There was a small, oiled topknot of straight black hair at the crown of his smooth skull.

So Rafel was systematically shorn. The infested clumps of hair fell on the floor, where Meruru swept them into a dustpan with many grimaces of disgust, to be dumped into the fire. Finally he was as bald as an egg, and the guard put the dagger away with a little smile of satisfaction.

'Not one nick,' he said. 'I can do that on myself easily, but you've got different headbumps.'

'My head isn't bumpy,' Rafel said. His scalp felt very cold and naked.

'At least it isn't lousy any more,' Meruru said cheerfully.

'Don't call me lousy,' he said. He'd suddenly had enough. He wanted to be by himself and maybe cry some more. He shouldn't be letting her talk to him like that. 'I don't have to take that from a flea-ridden little bitch from Fanelia.' There was no way she could know about his own fleas. He was hoping they were all gone, drowned.

'Stupid,' said Meruru. 'Bitches are female dogs. A female cat is called a queen.' She pulled down the corner of her right eye and stuck her tongue out at him.

'Queen of Fleas,' he said, lamely, but he couldn't let an insult like that go by.

'Better than King of Cooties.' She turned to the monk guard. 'Will you keep an eye on him, please? You can lock him in and go to bed if you need to.'

'Thank you, but I'm used to long nights,' the monk said. 'I won't let him get up to anything.' He smiled politely and gave Meruru a little salute.

'Thank you,' Meruru said. 'Well,' she said to Rafel, 'I tried to be nice to you, but I guess you don't know about gratitude in Zaibach. So good night.' She flounced out.

'Get bent!' Rafel yelled after her.

'Oh, shut up,' said the monk. 'You really are an unpleasant little boy. You don't even realise how well you've been treated.'

'I'm not a little boy,' Rafel growled. 'I'm thirteen. Legally I'm an adult.'

'Well, if that's Zaibach law, I wouldn't say it counts for much any more,' the monk said. 'And even legal adults who call girls names like Queen of Fleas are, in my book, silly little boys. You should go to bed. You're up far too late.'

Rafel gave him a cold stare. He was just thinking of something cutting to say when he heard a loud sound from outside the ship. It was the chime that always preceded an announcement on the city's public-address system. This cabin had a porthole, too small to climb through of course, but he ran to it and wrenched it open to hear better. The monk followed and put a restraining hand on his shoulder.

The chime sounded again, as though whoever was operating the PA was not sure of the procedure, or was just making extra sure everyone would be listening. Then a voice spoke, a female voice crackling out of tannoy speakers all over the city, startling people who had assumed the system was long dead. The denizens of the city - they could not really be called citizens any more - had been watching the ships with deep suspicion but were disinclined to try to do anything prematurely. They knew something was really up when the Capitol lights came on. Caution was a way of life these days, and they wanted to know more before they made any advances, welcoming or hostile. They were getting what they wanted.

'May we have your attention, please. There is no cause for alarm, I repeat, no cause for alarm. This is the first broadcast of the Asturia-Fanelia-Freid Allied Intervention Force. We have established our base in the Capitol and wish to make contact with local leaders or law enforcement officers. This is not an invasion or an occupation. We have come to help.'

There was a sort of muffled noise as though the speaker had put her hand over the microphone while someone spoke to her. The listeners heard a faint 'okay,' then the sound cleared and the speaker came back on.

'This is Asturian Crown Representative Serena Schezar Finn speaking. With me are Freid's Crown Representative Brother Ailo and Fanelian Crown Representative Van Fa - what? If you must. Talk into this.'

A boy's voice, rather closer to the microphone so you could hear his amplified breathing, said 'Van Slanzar de Fanel. King of Fanelia.'

'We do stress,' said the Asturian representative, 'that we are not seeking reparations or reprisal for the recent war. It is safe for all residents of Zaibach whose intentions are peaceful to approach us.'

'Yeah, right,' said various people around the city.

'We have supplies of food, clothing and medicine which we are willing to share. You are invited to come to the Capitol steps at ten tomorrow morning, where they will be distributed among you. We have come in a spirit of peace and co-operation. We hope we can rely on similar co-operation from you. Thank you for your attention. That will be all for now.' The announcement ended with a recorded bird-call, as announcements always had, and then the tannoys fell silent again.

'What was that?' Van asked.

'What was what?' Serena switched off the transmitter.

'That twitter at the end.'

'I think it was a meadow-lark,' said Brother Ailo. 'Or it might have been a sky-lark.'

'There's always a recorded bird-call at the end of announcements,' Serena said. 'The system's set up to do it automatically, on rotate. It's just how it is.'

'It's not some kind of signal?' Van pressed.

'No, it's just a dumb bird. It was supposed to sound nice, I guess. Believe it or not, some things in Zaibach are just meant to be nice.'

'It's rather a good idea,' said Ailo. 'It lets you know the announcement's over and you can get on with your day. And it can't be confused with the starting chime.'

'Thank you,' said Serena. 'I rest my case. Let's get out of here - this is far too cramped for three people.' The transmitter room had really only been designed for one announcer, with enough room for someone to stand behind him or her passing over new sheets of copy. Van and Ailo were both wedged into that space, leaning over Serena's shoulders. They backed out and she followed them. As they came out she yawned hugely.

'It feels like I've been up longer than I've been _alive_.' It was well past midnight now. Actually, it was well past two, she discovered when she fished out her pocket-watch.

'You should go to bed,' Brother Ailo said. 'You weren't well this morning.'

'She was hung over this morning,' said Van. 'I heard about what you did last night.'

'You're such a fuddy-duddy for a boy your age,' said Serena. 'Or else you just have a blanket disapproval policy for everything I do. I believe I will go to bed.'

'Van-sama, you need your rest too,' Ailo said respectfully. 'I will be staying up and overseeing matters here. If anyone comes to speak to us, you will be informed as soon as possible.'

'All right,' said Van. To tell the truth, he was terribly sleepy. 'Thank you.'

'Yay,' said Serena, 'no walking up to the roof. We get to ride the elevator.' She headed down the corridor to a set of double doors like those she had indicated earlier, and pressed a button set into the wall beside them. After a moment a bell rang and the doors slid open, revealing a space like a large closet. Van looked into it dubiously.

'Are you sure it's safe?' he asked.

'Almost sure,' said Serena. 'But I'm totally sure I'm not climbing all those stairs in this state. I'm knackered. Just get in, will you? It isn't nearly as scary as a guymelef.' She stepped into the car and Van, after a moment's hesitation, followed her. Serena pushed another button, one of two long vertical rows, the doors slid closed and there was a moment's stillness. Van suddenly got a strange feeling as though his body were trying to sink through the floor.

'What was that!?' He tried to keep the note of alarm out of his voice but was not sure it had worked.

'You just get it when the car starts moving. It's nothing.'

'It's weird!'

'You're having a bad day, aren't you?' she said. She leaned against the car wall and looked at him drowsily.

'You know what?' Van said. 'I am. You're absolutely bang-on-the-nail right. I don't like it here, this building is creepy, the machines are bizarre and I'm worried about tomorrow. So yes, I'm having a bad day.'

''m sorry,' she said sleepily. 'Maybe tomorrow will be better.'

'It already is tomorrow.'

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	15. Handout

**Chapter Fifteen**

When Serena got back to her cabin she found that Gadeth was already in bed, and apparently asleep. She got undressed as quietly as she could and crept in beside him. The bunk was really only built for one, but since they tended to sleep curled together they weren't finding that too inconvenient. Even asleep, he responded to her presence; he rolled to the side so she could get under his arm and rest her head on his shoulder. It should have been easy to go to sleep, as tired as she was, but she found once again that now she was lying down she couldn't make her brain rest along with her body. She wanted to discuss the whole day with Gadeth; that always put things in perspective for her. He seemed deeply asleep, though, and she thought it might be mean to wake him. She propped herself on her elbow and looked down at him, letting her eyes get used to making the most of the little bit of moonlight coming through the cabin's one porthole. Watching him sleep was always a sure way to make herself feel happy and peaceful, not to mention awed at her good fortune.

She still felt unsettled, though. She decided he wouldn't really mind if she woke him. There had been a few times when he had woken her in the middle of the night for no better reason than to say that he loved her. To make it a pleasant waking, she bent down and kissed his soft unconscious mouth. He woke with a little start and looked at her in confusion before relaxing and giving her a kiss in return.

'What were you dreaming about, love?' she asked, stroking his hair back from his forehead.

'Cats,' he said. 'I don't know why, but cats. And kittens.'

'And not me? I could get offended about that.'

'But you're my little hellcat,' he said soothingly. Then he paused, and said 'Actually'

'What?'

'Are you feeling all right?'

'As all right as I can, after about a day and a half awake - although, full credit to Brother Ailo's hot grass drink, I don't feel sick any more.' She snuggled down against him and kissed his shoulder.

'I'm just a little worried about you,' he said.

'Why?' she asked, looking up at him, eyes wide in the dark. 'I'm all right. I think I'm managing everything pretty well. Is there something I'm not doing that I should be? Or something I'm doing too much?'

'I was thinking about how you were with that boy Rafel earlier,' he said.

'Do you think I went too easy on him? It's not just because he's Migel's brother. Poor little kid, living by himself in that place. It's made him hard. But maybe I can get him to trust me. He could be really helpful.'

'I thought how you talked to him was about right,' Gadeth said. 'I'm talking about how you were at first. How you attacked him. You frightened me.'

'He attacked _you_,' Serena said. 'I was trying to frighten _him_.'

'Just frighten him?'

'What do you mean?'

'You looked as though you could have killed him.' Gadeth's brows were furrowed with worry.

'Well, A, as I said, he attacked you, and I'm not going to let people do that. You're one of my men as well as my particular darling man so I'm responsible for your safety. B, I didn't know who he was or what he was capable of. He could have had a knife under his coat or anything. C, I was pissed off. It was a threat. I would only have hurt him if he'd made another aggressive move. You can see all that is reasonable, can't you?'

'Well yes'

'I _am_ a knight. I'm not playing. You know that. You've been behind me all the way.'

'I know. I still am. It was just it was really weird to see you look like that.'

'Sweetheart, I'm sorry I frightened you. You know I'm not a cruel person.'

'I know,' he said. He wound a tendril of her hair around his forefinger. 'I know.' She was looking worried now.

'Do you really think I overdid it?'

'Maybe a little, but now you know, so you can think about it next time.'

'There wasn't any time to think,' she said. 'I just did it automatically. It came up from my guts.'

'Well, tell your guts to mellow a little,' he said, smiling.

'I don't _want_ to be that scary,' she said plaintively. 'Especially not to you. And I don't want to overreact and hurt someone when I shouldn't.'

'I don't think you will. I mean, you didn't hurt him when you had the chance. And you were just protecting me, right? Which is sweet, really.' His fears were at rest now; he didn't want to keep rehashing the matter. She let him kiss her again, and dropped the subject.

'Is your shoulder really all right?'

'It's black and blue, according to Rideth. I can't see it so I had to ask someone. Careful how you touch me. I'll let you look at it in the morning and tell me what colours it's gone by then.'

'I wish I could have stopped him hurting you,' she said.

'I'll be fine, silly. It's just a big bruise.'

'I suppose we should go to sleep,' Serena said. 'You know about the plan for tomorrow, right? I think we can steal a little sleep-in to catch up but we must be up to get everything organised well before ten.'

'Sleep's a very good idea,' said Gadeth. 'But I feel like I'm neglecting my conjugal duties too drunk last night, too sick this morning, too tired tonight'

'That's what the sleep-in is for,' she said.

'I'm _so_ glad I married a dirty girl like you.'

'Do you really think that? I mean, do you think I'm too interested in it?'

'Absolutely not, I think you're just right. Newlyweds' Excuse, remember?'

'What if I stay that way, though? I think I might be going to.' It was a serious question, not trying to be cute.

'Then I'll just be incredibly happy. Worn out, but incredibly happy. Walking with a limp, but incredibly happy.'

'Stop teasing me,' she said delightedly, and pretended to punch him in the stomach. He pretended to be winded, so she had to kiss him to make it up. 'Now go to sleep.'

'Yes, sir.'

'I only need to hear it in your voice.'

'I thought I'd say sir and try to let you hear darling.'

'That's very good too.' There was a little pause while they settled down, ready to let sleep come. When Gadeth was almost dropping off Serena asked 'Do you think we'll ever have a serious conversation that doesn't end in kissing and messing around?'

'Maybe when I'm eighty and past it. Go to sleep.'

'Good night.'

The morning proper came, bright, clear and cold. Brother Ailo had nothing to report: no-one had approached the Capitol, friend or foe. There had been a heavy fall of snow between four and six o'clock, which had probably put off any early-morning stirrers. Breakfast in what was loosely designated the officers' mess on board _Crusade_ was a subdued meal; Van had not slept well and was trying not to go face-down in his eggs. Meruru just seemed quiet and preoccupied. Serena and Gadeth turned up at nearly eight, late and offensively cheerful.

'Bruise Progress Report, Day One,' Serena said as she sat down. 'A long wine-red line along the impact site, about an inch wide, shading to deep purple with blotches of royal blue. Please stand by for further updates.'

'What _are_ you talking about?' Meruru asked.

'Rafel Labariel's signature,' said Gadeth. 'He very kindly autographed my shoulder with a crowbar or something. How is he doing?'

'I don't know this morning,' said Meruru, 'but he was fine when I left him last night. Very rude, but fine. Van-sama!' She touched Van's shoulder in time to stop him tilting over.

'Where is my green shirt?' he asked muzzily. 'I don't know if I just can't find it because I'm tired, or if you've done something with it.'

'Rafel's wearing it,' Meruru said. 'I'm sorry I couldn't ask you, but he really needed some clothes that would fit him.'

'What about all the load we've got in the supply ship?' Van asked. 'Millerna requisitioned a warehouse, just about.'

'I couldn't get up there,' Meruru said. 'And I knew where your clothes were.'

'You look like death,' said Serena to Van. 'Maybe Ailo could give you something to help you sleep. Or for the moment, something to perk you up.'

''m all right,' said Van. Last night he had dreamed Hitomi was crying. It was awful. That was all there was in the dream, Hitomi crying, but he had woken up in a sweat and sleep had stayed away until, contrariwise, the sun was up and he needed to be alert.

'Just go back to bed,' Gadeth said. 'We'll take care of things this morning.'

'I ought to be there,' Van protested. 'They ought to see Fanelia.'

'They can see Meruru,' Serena told him. 'A king's impressive, but they're just going to see a boy who can't keep his eyes open if you go.'

Van gave in. He was too tired to resist much and it was what he really wanted to do. 'All right,' he said, 'but wake me up at lunchtime, okay Meruru?'

'Okay,' she said. Her gaze followed him out of the room. 'Poor Van-sama,' she sighed.

'He does have you to take care of him,' Serena said. 'He's pretty lucky there.' She leaned over the table and helped herself to one of Van's eggs, and put the other on Gadeth's plate.

'I can't take care of him as he needs to be taken care of,' Meruru said, and she looked so sad as she said it that Serena suspected she had been very unfair to both of them.

'What have you done to him, Meruru?' Gadeth asked. 'He's gone bald.'

Rafel glowered at him from the edge of the bunk where he sat.

'He had lice,' Meruru reported. 'We had to shave his head.'

'Oh,' said Gadeth. 'That's really too bad. Well, the worst is over, son.'

'Don't call me son,' said Rafel. 'And you can't keep me here. The war's over and you shouldn't be taking prisoners.'

'Ah, but no,' said Gadeth. 'You aren't a prisoner, you're under arrest. For assault. Officers of the Asturian Army have the authority to make arrests. Personally, I'm inclined not to press charges, in view of the fact that you're a kid and you seemed to be scared shitless the other day and probably thought you were just defending your home. But under our laws, we do have a right to detain you for twenty-four hours before we have to let you go. And our laws are the ones that count on board our ships and those of our allies.'

'So what are you planning to do to me?' Rafel asked sullenly.

'Talk to you,' said Gadeth. 'We want to find out what's been happening around here and since you're the first local person we've met you'll have to do.'

'_She_'s not going to question me, is she?'

'_She_ is the cat's mother. Not you, Meruru. Actually, you can go if you want. Who do you mean?' He turned back to Rafel. Meruru left the room swishing her tail irritably.

'The girl knight from yesterday. Serena thingy. I still think she tortured Dilandau-sama.'

'Ohboy,' said Gadeth. 'Do I have to straighten _you_ out.' He sat down on the edge of the bunk next to Rafel, who promptly edged away as far as he could without hitting the wall. 'I expect you don't know the full story, or anything like it. It's one of those very long involved ones where it's hard to find a good starting point. Well for a kickoff, what do you know about Lord Dornkirk's sorcerors?'

'They were in charge of research and development,' Rafel said. 'They did experiments with the gravity of destiny and found ways to enhance our luck and steer our destiny in the right direction. And they developed lots of useful technology for Zaibach while the rest of you were still coming out of the stone age.'

'That last part is a little bit of an exaggeration,' said Gadeth. 'We're probably never going to know the full truth about the sorcerors because all of them seem to be dead. But one thing we've found out is that they weren't just studying how to guide the destiny of a country. They were interested in the destiny of individual people - how you could pick out the ones who had a natural tendency to be lucky, which according to them is an inherited thing like the colour of your eyes or the shape of your nose. They thought you could breed for it, although of course that takes a long time and the results were always a bit uncertain. So what would solve the problem is if, instead of having to wait for the right people to have children and then let them grow up enough to be useful, and enough to tell if it was working, they could change the destiny of a person who was already born and living in the world. Change it down in the - I'm a bit unclear on this, but Serena says there are little wiggly things right down at the bottom levels of your blood that make you what you are, and if you can change those you can change how a person turns out. Are you with me so far?'

'Yes,' Rafel said. 'It's not hard to understand. You're talking about DNA.'

'It confused me a little at first,' Gadeth said. 'Still, you've probably had a lot of the basics in school, and it was a new idea to me. Anyway, if they could change people's destiny they could make those kind of adjustments to everyone in Zaibach, I guess, and just make them the most likely to succeed in any situation. They had to do experiments to find a way to do it, though, and this is where it gets nasty. The experiments were conducted on children abducted from other nearby countries. They wouldn't do it to their own people. But they didn't have a problem with snatching, say, a five-year-old girl from Asturia, taking her away from her family without a word of warning or explanation, and doing things to her - we still don't know what, which is probably good because no-one should ever be able to do that again. We also don't know how many children that happened to, but it could be hundreds.'

Gadeth paused, to let Rafel say something if he wanted to, but the boy was silent.

'When we explore the underground levels of this building, where the sorcerors used to work, if we find any technical information about that we're destroying it,' Gadeth went on. 'We have some records of what was done but not descriptions of the processes.'

'Typical barbarians,' said Rafel. 'You just want to destroy something you don't understand because it scares you.'

'No, we want to destroy something we don't want to understand because it's evil,' Gadeth said. 'You don't often run into real evil in everyday life, but would you think for a minute about what it must have been like for those children? We think almost all of them died. Think about how it would feel to die when you're five years old, all by yourself in a strange place full of people who hurt you.' He shuddered. 'Anyway, they wanted to see if they could change a person's destiny, right? So they decided to try to make a very simple but very big change - to change someone from a girl into a boy. It would be a good test because it would be easy to tell if it had worked or not. That's what they did to the girl from Asturia I was talking about. It worked, and she became a boy. Once they'd changed her body they worked on her mind, giving her the kind of personality that would be useful for them. And they changed her name.' He glanced at Rafel to make sure he was paying attention. 'Her name was Serena Schezar, and they changed it to Dilandau Albatou.'

'You're saying Dilandau-sama was really a girl,' Rafel said flatly. 'That's _stupid_. He was a guy. I've seen him lots of times.'

'That's right, they turned Serena into a boy,' Gadeth repeated patiently. 'She's gone back to her real self, though. Which is why you're not going to see Dilandau again. He doesn't exist any more. Some sorcerors tried to bring him back as a separate person from Serena, but he didn't want to live any more. He committed suicide. Serena is the one who's had the will to survive; she hung on somewhere, somehow, even while Dilandau was the one living in the world, and she came back. She's got to be one of the strongest people I've ever met.'

'That crazy woman who tried to kill me yesterday and then started acting all nice used to be Dilandau-sama?'

'Right. However, please don't call her crazy, because that's my wife you're talking about.'

'Your _wife_ used to be Dilandau-sama?'

'When you put it like that it sounds so creepy,' Gadeth said ruefully. 'She's not the same person. We're both very clear on that.'

Rafel was quiet again for a while, but this time in a way that suggested he was thinking hard. 'Maybe Dilandau-sama is still hanging on, the way she was.'

'No, I told you, he was taken out entirely. He's dead. Believe me. I saw the body.'

'They must have chosen her very carefully,' Rafel said. 'Only the very best ever got selected for Dragonslayer training, and to be the leader she must have had a lot of luck to begin with.'

'I don't call that _luck_,' Gadeth said, 'unless you mean incredibly bad luck. Serena doesn't believe in luck any more. She says everything happens because of what people choose.'

'Could I see her?' Rafel asked eagerly.

'Sure. She's supervising the handouts on the steps. You can help.'

Serena was sitting on top of a crate filled with blankets, legs crossed under her and chin in her hands. More crates were ranged along the steps, guards from Asturia, Fanelia and Freid standing ready by them. Two doctors had been brought along, and had set up a makeshift dispensary, all set to see to minor injuries and ailments. Apart from them the place was deserted. No-one came near. Gadeth brought Rafel round by the side of Serena's crate. Rafel looked keenly up at her profile. She was different but he could see a resemblance if he tried hard. She was like Dilandau-sama's sister, perhaps. Softer features, wavy hair. It was a different kind of beauty, but you could see how one had come from the other.

'How's it going?' Gadeth asked her.

'It isn't,' she said. 'I suppose people just don't trust us. Which is reasonable enough. I still feel like a twit sitting out here. I'm thinking of repeating the announcement, for what good it would do.'

'Give them a while longer,' said Gadeth. 'It's only half-past. Maybe their clocks have run down.'

'There's someone,' said Rafel. A man had stepped out of one of the streets giving onto the square, and was standing with his hands on his hips looking at them. He was a couple of hundred metres away and showed no sign of coming closer.

'Think we should wave, or something?' Serena asked. The man turned and went back down the street, out of sight. 'Aw, tease,' she said.

'He may have been checking us out for others,' Gadeth said. 'Look. I think I was right.' The man re-emerged, and this time he was accompanied by a cluster of other people, a couple of men, three women and a little gaggle of children. They crossed the square, not fast, warily, and stopped halfway up the steps.

'Good morning,' said the first man. He was tall and broad, and his clothes had once been good, although they were looking very worn. He was also much cleaner than Rafel had been. The winter sunshine threw glints off his short red hair and mutton-chop whiskers. He was probably in his late thirties, a respectable family man thrown upon hard times.

'Good morning,' Serena said, hastily getting down from the box. She didn't want to look as though she was on a pedestal. 'It's good to see you. We thought nobody might come.'

'What are you offering?' the man asked.

'We've got blankets, coats, clothes and shoes for men, women and children. These men know what's in the crates and they can help you find what you want. There's food, too, flour, sugar, rice, some dried fruit and vegetables, salt meat. And if any of your family or friends want a checkup the doctors are there at that table.' Serena pointed everything out to him eagerly.

The man came closer, stepped up to the crate she had been sitting on, and lifted the lid to look inside. He lifted out a blue wool blanket and shook it out of its folds, examining the material for flaws.

'I'm a fabric-store manager myself,' he said. 'This is good stuff. Lambswool, I think.'

'I'm not really sure,' Serena said, 'but if you like it, it's yours.' The man looked at her a little coldly.

'How much?' he asked.

'Oh, no, you don't understand, this is a free distribution,' she said. The man glanced down at the group he'd come with, checking that they hadn't heard.

'I didn't catch that,' he said. 'How much did you say?'

'Um,' said Serena. She looked down at the family, or families. They all had that air of shabby respectability, of nice middle-class people who were trying to stay nice in the face of everything, because it was the only way they knew how to be. The women looked tired and thin, but they were wearing pearl earrings.

'Twenty newtons,' she said, naming the first price that popped into her head.

'That's pretty cheap,' the man said. 'For a good blanket.'

'They're on special,' she said defiantly. She glanced down at the families again; there were four red-headed children. 'And today when you buy three you get one free.' She raised an eyebrow at the man, asking if they had an understanding. He nodded gravely.

'Right,' he said. 'We'll have a look around, but you can ring up four of these for me, please.' He re-folded the blanket and handed it to Serena.

'Yes, sir,' she said. He turned to address the others on the stairs.

'Come on, kids,' he said. 'New shoes first.'

'That's the last crate but one that way,' Serena said, pointing. As they went off in that direction, she reached into the crate for the three blankets. Gadeth put his hand on her arm.

'Are you sure we should take their money?' he asked.

'Well, I don't want to, but I don't think they'll take charity,' she said. 'People can be a bit stiff-necked. Zaibach's had a higher standard of living than any other country for years. It's not just that it's hard to be offered help by foreigners, it's hard to be offered it by foreigners who you're used to thinking of as poorer than you.'

'I didn't expect to come here and run a shop,' Gadeth said. 'It makes sense, though. He doesn't want to look like a beggar in front of his family. I'll tell you what, Millerna should have sent Dryden for this job, not us.'

'Assuming everyone is like them, yes,' she said. 'But if there are more people who want to hit us with crowbars, I think we're the ones for the job.'

'I'm sorry about that,' Rafel said, surprising them both. Serena turned to look at him. His bare scalp was covered in goosebumps. The skin was so white she could see the filigree of pale blue veins under it.

'Hey, what happened to you?'

'Nits. Shaved. Boring story,' he said.

'Oh dear,' she said. 'Look, Sergeant Asher over there has a bunch of hats and gloves and things. Go and ask him for a cap or something.' She watched him run over to one of the Asturian officers. 'He seems to have changed his tune.'

'I hope you don't mind,' Gadeth said, 'but I told him about you. You know. Dilandau.'

'I don't mind who knows about that,' she said. 'I wonder sometimes, though, if I'm still going to be having to explain that to people in a few years or all my life.'

'It does make a good story. Listen, Ailo asked me to tell you he thinks people should start reconnoitring the underground levels this afternoon. He's willing to take care of that side of things entirely, but we thought you might want to be involved. Then again, the whole idea might horrify you, so I'm just asking.'

She frowned, thinking about it. 'I really think I should. After all, how bad can it be? I can't even remember those things. They're a blank. I'd like you to come with me, but I'm not afraid.'

'All right,' he said. He leaned closer, speaking quietly. 'I'm really not trying to say you're not up to it. I just worry. You know.'

'I'm glad you do,' she said. Rafel was coming back, wearing a dark red felt hat, the pudding-basin kind they made in Freid, with an upturned brim. It was a much less fancy version of the sort of hat Cid wore.

'Gadeth said you wanted to talk to me,' he said. 'What about?'

'Just life here,' Serena said. 'We're trying to get a picture of how people are living, what they're doing to cope. And we really want to know whether there's any chance of armed resistance to our presence. Do you know if there's any kind of militia?'

'There are gangs,' Rafel said. 'The big ones are Silver Star, Street Kings and Dragonslayers. They ripped off the name, of course. Dragonslayers are really just tryhards but Silver Star are really dangerous, and there are a lot of them. It's run by the Mariel family.'

'Didn't Artho Mariel use to be the chief of police?' Serena asked, confused.

'Yes,' said Rafel. 'So they fight with riot gear and they use all the police stations as citadels. They don't really run the city because Street Kings give them a lot of competition but they would if it weren't for them. If you go round in the city you'll see the houses people are living in usually have a silver star on the door or in the window. That means they've paid their security money for the month. It's not real security but it means you only have to worry about the other gangs, and not Silver Star on top of them.'

'Local leaders and law enforcement officers, hmm?' said Gadeth.

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	16. Morgue

**Chapter Sixteen**

'I'm coming too,' Van said. 'I think I owe it to Folken.'

'It's up to you,' Serena said. She was looking nervous. In view of what Rafel had told them about the gangs, it had been decided that Gadeth would stay on the steps to supervise things, and hopefully quell any unpleasantness. She had assured him that she would be all right by herself, and in fact it would be better for her to manage that way, but she still wished he was there, if not to hold her hand at least to be by her side. Van wasn't any sort of substitute, but at least he was familiar.

They went down in the elevators, several parties at once. Others went down the staircases. No-one particularly expected to find anyone, but there was the possibility of booby-trapped security systems to consider, so they were moving cautiously.

It was shadowy down there, even with the lights on. There were operating theatres tiled in cold white, file rooms with still more documents in tall cabinets, offices with heavy black books on the shelves. The monks, who generally had a higher level of education than the Asturian and Fanelian soldiers, set to work reading and collating the documents.

'This could be the work of years,' Brother Ailo said. 'It was obviously the work of decades to create it. They've done things in medicine that we can only dream of.' He seemed fascinated, enthusiastic. It made Van uncomfortable, as though this place was casting a spell on him. For his own part, he was on edge, wishing he had eyes in the back of his head. He thought Serena ought to seem more bothered by the place, but she was rather calm, even in the operating theatres. There were ankle and wrist cuffs on the operating slabs, as though subjects had had to be held down. She just looked them over, frowned and moved on. Cold.

Van found a door labelled 'Morgue' and stood looking at it for a long time. Serena, passing with a folder she wanted to show Ailo, stopped to see what had caught his interest.

'Um,' she said. She looked at Van, the door, and Van again. 'We should probably look.'

'Couldn't we get sick going into a place like that?' Van asked.

'We can just open the door and see if it smells like there's anything rotten inside,' she suggested.

'I will if you will,' he said, and then felt foolish. She nodded, though, so they both put a hand on the handle and pushed. The door swung in a few inches. The only smell that emerged was of formaldehyde. Serena pushed the door further open and Van stepped through.

'It's dark in here,' he said. 'I can't see anything.'

'There'll be a switch in the wall next to the door, probably,' she said. 'At about shoulder height. Feel around for it.'

Van found the switch and pressed it down. The lights came on. He still couldn't get used to how fast that was. He looked around the room. 'Oh God.'

'What?' Serena followed him in. She looked around and her face grew very white. She bit her lip and didn't speak.

The walls were lined with glass vessels, some the size of pickle jars, some much larger. In fact, pickles had been the first thing Van had thought of, and now he was trying very hard to get that thought out of his mind. In every vessel, suspended in spirits, floated a child. Some could have been as old as ten or eleven. Some were so tiny it made you wonder if they had ever been born. They were almost perfectly preserved, only slightly puffed and wrinkled by the solution that held them. Nothing else was perfect about any of them. Some had obvious deformities. A little girl of about three years floating directly in front of Van had one eye in the middle of her forehead, and no lower jaw. Others seemed to have been partially dissected, or mutilated might be the word.

Beside him, Serena began to tremble violently. He could hear her teeth chattering, and the folder fell to the floor with a slither and a clap. It was cold in that room, of course, but when he turned to look at her a trickle of sweat was running down her cheek.

'Thhh,' she said, and couldn't get any further. 'Th-thhh.' _There are so many of them_, she wanted to say. _They're so small._ She was clammy all over and her mouth was filling with water. _I'm going to be sick._ She tried to say so but only managed ''mg' before a spasm went through her and she vomited, hunching over, coughing and blinking as it spattered on the tiled floor and the scattered papers and splashed her boots.

'Damn,' said Van. 'Are you - can I do anything?' He patted her back awkwardly.

Serena choked and spat hard. 'Oh God. This is disgusting.' She waited, panting, for a long moment before she was sure it wasn't going to happen again.

'It's all right,' Van said. 'I don't blame you. It makes me feel sick too.'

'That could have been me,' Serena murmured. 'I could have ended up like that and they did'

'Well you didn't you're all right' Van said, feeling helpless. He felt sorry for her, despite everything.

'I - I know. Thank you. I think I've got it under control.' She sniffed and gulped a little more, still bent over with her hand at her throat. 'Look how tidy I am,' she said, and gave a weak giggle. 'I held this silly cravat out of the way.'

'You should get out of here,' he said. 'There are plenty of other people to deal with this.'

'I thought I don't know, I guess I thought I should confront this place.'

'It's not always a good idea to go back over this stuff,' Van said. 'Sometimes it just upsets you more and you can't do anything about it.'

'I s'pose.' She looked doubtful. 'You wanted to come for Folken, though.'

'Well, he was the one who was here. I bet he wouldn't want to come back. You didn't seem to be upset until now, though. Was it just because this is so sick?'

Serena shook her head. 'I was trying not to react to prove it doesn't have any power over me any more. I couldn't even remember a lot of it before, but it's been coming back as I see things down here. How it feels to be strapped onto one of those tables. You don't know what's going to happen to you. And you know there's nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do. They can do whatever they want to you. They can change you, force you to be what they want. And the cuffs are tight they hurt.' She paused and closed her eyes, breathing slowly, forcing herself to be calm. 'It's feelings I remember, not events. There's so much blind panic. It's so awful for children to be that afraid. They can't understand Folken was about your age when they took him, wasn't he?'

'Yes.'

'Then, I'm sorry, but it wasn't as bad for him. The first shock of finding he'd been changed, yes, but they were saving his life, not destroying it. Not taking it away from him.'

'He believed in Zaibach until Dornkirk sacrificed Nariya and Eriya,' Van said. 'He really believed in it, because they saved him.'

'It would never have gotten as far as it did if people hadn't believed in it,' Serena said. 'There were things about it that you _could_ believe in. Science, medicine, power to change the world instead of just having to accept what it throws at us. Power to choose. But it all comes out of things like this people who didn't get to choose poor little children.' She stood up straighter and seemed to brace herself. She stepped around the mess on the floor and approached the nearest bank of glass. Then she faced the first child, a dark-skinned little wolf-boy, his body bent as though his back were broken. She looked him up and down, closely, seriously. When she had looked him in the face, she moved on to the next child, just a toddler.

'Hey,' Van said, perturbed. 'You're just going to give yourself nightmares. What are you doing that for?'

'I want to know each of them,' Serena said. 'I'm going to try to find their records as well. I want to know their names, where they came from, what was done to them. I want to remember their faces, their bodies.'

'It's creepy,' Van said. 'I know you're weird, but this is too much. Leave them alone.'

'These are my brothers and sisters,' she said. 'Children just like I was. I want to be able to call them by name. I want to be able to promise them I'll remember.' She put her hand to the glass, stroking it gently, as though she could somehow comfort the dead baby. She seemed oblivious to the sour bile smell beginning to fill the room, to the pulpy discoloration of the child's face. Fascinated.

'I'm going,' Van said. 'If you want to dwell on things like this, you can do it alone.' She didn't seem to hear him. He left.

The night came down early, dark and heavy and hungry. The men on the steps packed up the crates, lighter than they had been at the start of the day, although the turnout of people had not been large. Some had accepted free goods gratefully, but many had wanted to pay for at least part of what they took. Gadeth had noticed a tendency for people to be embarrassed about needing a lot of things at once. A lot of families had sent different members up at different times of the day to get a few things more, and it added up. There were already shortages in the supplies; they were right out of shoes, rice and flour. Still, this had been intended as more of a gesture of goodwill than a real solution to anyone's problems. If it tided some people over for a few days, and kept their feet dry for a while, its work would have been done. The real solutions would come later.

He was keeping a close eye on Rafel, who was still supposed to be helping. He had worked more eagerly in the morning, while Serena was there, and after lunch, when she had gone on the underground recce, had kept asking Gadeth about her - how old she was, where she lived, what she was good at, what she was interested in, nodding in apparent satisfaction at some answers and seeming puzzled by others. _Little crush there,_ Gadeth thought. _I shouldn't be surprised. He's been lonely for a long time, and she is beautiful._ He'd been asking questions in return, but Rafel was reluctant to talk a lot about himself and only gave the bare facts. Gadeth was trying to like him, since he felt sorry for him, but he was finding it uphill work. Rafel tended to be supercilious and uppity, and gave the clear impression that he didn't want or need friendship from the likes of Gadeth.

Meruru had come out to help too, saying she'd done lots of work with the refugees in Asturia, not to mention the reconstruction in Fanelia, and she might as well make herself useful. She clearly wasn't keen on Rafel either, and there had been some quite heated exchanges between the two, on such subjects as whether it was stupid to try to arrange the blankets so they would look nice (Meruru favoured this as cheerful and welcoming, while Rafel said people were going to take them whatever they looked like so why bother), whether someone was getting the right change (they had both been wrong, mental arithmetic being a strong suit of neither), whether Dilandau had been a vicious lunatic or a brilliant maverick, and which of the two of them had more cooties. Although they both loudly decried this insult as extremely weak and juvenile, they still used it quite liberally. Gadeth had asked at one point what it actually meant and for once they had both been reduced to silence by amazement at his ignorance.

It didn't last. 'Nits and lice and fleas,' Meruru said. 'Disgusting dirty bugs.'

'Parasites and germs,' Rafel added, 'especially the kind you get off trampy catgirls. Which would make your king really infested.' This was the last straw and Meruru leapt at him. Gadeth hurried to separate them but she had managed to get a few good scratches in on Rafel's face and bald head before he could drag her off by the scruff of the neck and drop her in the blanket box.

'Cut it out,' he told her tersely. 'Even if he's being a pain in the butt, you've got to think about our position. How does it look if you attack a local kid right on the steps?'

'Give us privacy, then,' she said fiercely. 'I'll teach him to say things like that about Van-sama. He makes me so mad!'

'Because you know they're true,' Rafel said, mopping at his face with his sleeve. Gadeth gave him a swat up the back of the head, not a hard one, just a warning. 'Ow!' he said indignantly. 'You can't treat me like that! It's brutality!'

'You told me _I_ couldn't hit him,' Meruru pouted.

'Consider it payback for last night,' Gadeth said.

'I only have to stay till the same time you caught me last night,' Rafel said. 'Then you can't stop me. Unless you _are_ just a brute.'

'Frankly, I'll be glad to see the back of you,' Gadeth said. He was not only fed up with Rafel and Meruru, but annoyed with himself for not being able to deal with them better. The idea of children in the future was appealing, but he wasn't sure he deserved them if in the present they just made him impatient and irritable. Meruru was normally a sweet little thing, he liked her, but

'Well, I bet Serena will be annoyed with you for driving me away,' Rafel said. '_She_ sees that I'm useful. You'll notice I told her about Silver Star, not you. Why bother with subordinates when I can talk to the person at the top? Must be an interesting marriage.' He folded his arms and looked at Gadeth coolly.

Gadeth laughed at him. He could see how much it annoyed him. 'You're a little ratbag,' he told him.

'You're a big Asturian idiot,' said Rafel, contriving to make 'Asturian' sound like the rudest word in the sentence.

'Hit him again,' said Meruru.

'No-one is going to hit anyone,' Gadeth said firmly. 'Everyone is going to get along, me included. And I don't want to hear any more about it.'

'Sounds like you had a fairly special day,' Serena said, when he finished telling her about it over dinner.

'What about yours? You look done in.'

'Hard. Bad,' she said, pushing her fingers through her hair. 'I've seen some things I'll show you tomorrow. It's easier than telling about it. I hope he doesn't take off, he's still our only proper contact here. Could you get anywhere with the people who came to the handout?'

'No-one wanted to give their name,' he said. 'Very cautious people. You should talk to him, he'd listen to you.'

'Why me more than you?'

'He has a crush on you.'

'On me? Really? Neat.' She smiled, a sort of private pleased-with-herself smile.

'Why do you think that's so _neat_? Should I get worried?'

'I just think it's really funny. At least it proves you're not the only person strange enough to like me.'

'Why would you think I was?'

'I don't know. Because I'm strange. I always thought I was unbelievably lucky that life put me down right next to someone who would love me in spite of how I am.'

'It's because of, not in spite of,' he said. He said it a little quietly, because they were not, after all, alone in the mess. Brother Ailo was down at the far end of the table giving about one quarter of his attention to a cup of soup and the rest to a heavy black book he had brought up from downstairs. Serena didn't seem bothered; she smiled and rubbed her foot against Gadeth's under the table.

'Is that discreet enough affection for you?' she asked. 'Although I'll have to love you and leave you - the twenty-four hours are nearly up, and I suppose I should try to catch Rafel before he disappears into the mists.'

'He'll probably just hang around the building,' Gadeth said, 'since he was living here anyway, but I expect he has a lot of hiding places so it'd help if we knew where to find him. Go on and use your feminine wiles on him.'

'Feminine wiles,' said Serena thoughtfully. 'I don't believe I have any.'

'The hell you don't.'

Serena found Rafel almost as soon as she stepped down from _Crusade_, sitting on the edge of the roof, looking out at the city. She sat down beside him.

'Hello,' she said. He turned around with a start and looked delighted as soon as he saw her, then tried to put together some kind of cool exterior before she noticed.

'Oh, hello,' he said, very casual.

'What do you see out there that I don't?' she asked.

'What do you mean?'

'You live here. You can see things and know what they mean; to me they're just background. Like how a pilot can navigate by the stars, but to a merchant they're just lights in the sky. Dilandau didn't know the capital as well as all that, and it's changed since those days anyway.' She linked her hands around her knees and gazed out at the city, at its little patches of light and deep puddles of darkness. A chilly night breeze ruffled her hair.

'Are you cold?' he asked.

'Not really. Come on. That lighted area over there - the biggest one. That used to be one of the nice residential areas, didn't it? There was that park with the prism sculpture?'

'Yes,' Rafel said. 'I haven't been out there in a long time, though. It's dangerous. Mariel headquarters. They've taken over all the houses and apartment buildings, the family and their friends. That's where they'll come from if they make trouble for you.'

Serena looked at him sidelong, trying to find out what he looked like when he didn't know you were watching. Blank; sad.

'Where did you use to live?'

'Out there,' he said, pointing to one of the dark areas. 'On Needle Street. It's a brown brick house with dark green shutters. I was wondering did Migel talk about me? About Mum and Dad and me?'

'It wasn't encouraged in the Dragonslayers,' Serena said diplomatically. It was true, but the rule had been enforced with particular vigour by Dilandau. 'They were supposed to put their family life behind them.'

'Why don't you say "we" when you were one too?'

'Because I'm not one any more.'

Rafel looked at her wonderingly. 'But you were one of the chosen ones. The best of the best. If I had something like that to look back on, I'd be so proud.'

'I'm choosing to look forward, not back,' she told him. 'So that's where you lived before. I don't understand where you lived up until now, though. One of the rooms downstairs? Where?'

'I'll show you,' he said, eagerly. He got up and shot off in the direction of a heap of rubbish that had collected by the stairwell down to the inside of the building.

'In the fire stairs?' She followed, a few paces behind.

'No, in _here_.' He lifted a flap of cardboard and showed her the space behind. She peered in over his shoulder. The same smell he had had at their first encounter rolled out. It was a little bedroom, of sorts; one of the mattresses from the Dragonslayers' dorm on the ground. She recognised the weird pattern on the cover; they'd always said it looked like rubella rash, lots of little red dots on a white ground. They had all been immunised against everything possible, but the rubella injections just hadn't been effective and they had all caught it together, all feverish and itchy at once. That had been a really foul week. Only the mattresses in the Capitol dorm had that pattern.

And every inside wall was papered with newspaper cuttings of the Dragonslayers. Glossy coloured ones cut out of magazines stood out on the black and white. Two big ones of Dilandau and Migel took pride of place.

'Do you want to go in?' Rafel asked. 'It stinks a bit.'

'I, um, I don't think so,' Serena said. 'And you've lived in there for months?'

'I've had to keep building new ones,' he said. 'Cardboard always comes to bits after a while, but it's good insulation while it lasts.'

'And this is all you've got to go back to?'

'It's a lot better than what some people have got.'

'Well, I don't want you to.'

He looked up at her, surprised.

'I don't want to think you're living in a poky little hole like this. I'm not meaning to insult your home, I can see you've done a lot to make it yours, but no-one should have to live like this. There'll be a place for you on _Crusade_.'

'You don't have to do that for me,' he said shyly.

'For you and for Migel, okay? To honour his memory.'

'Dragonslayers take care of their own,' he said, beaming. 'I knew it.'

Serena sighed and sat back on her heels. 'I'm _not_ a Dragonslayer,' she said. 'I'm a Knight of Heaven. I'm sworn to the service of the Crown of Asturia. And if I'm trying to be nice to you it's not a knight thing either. It's personal. I'm sorry about how I treated you before.'

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well - how I attacked you at first.'

'But that was amazing. You were _ruthless._ It's like what you were telling me about Dilandau avenging Migel's death - you'd get anyone who tried to hurt one of your men, right?' His eyes were shining.

Serena pinched the bridge of her nose. 'None of what you're saying is _exactly_ untrue, but I still can't help feeling you're missing the point.'

'I definitely want to stay with you and serve you, Serena-sama,' he said.

'So why were you telling Gadeth this afternoon that you'd be leaving as soon as the twenty-four hours were up?'

Rafel shrugged. 'Well, you know. _Gadeth_.' He made a face, inviting her to commiserate with him. Serena shook her head.

'You don't seem to be on top of the fact that I'm _married_ to him.'

'Why are you?'

'Because I love him,' she said simply. 'Because he's a dear sweet man who takes good care of me and makes me happy. Why else?'

'I'd thought - I mean, because he's a lot older than you and I don't know, he's kind of _grim_, and you're just out of his league, so I thought - I thought you must have had to marry him for some reason' The explanation tailed off without ever really getting anywhere. 'I just didn't think someone like _you_ would be in love with someone like _him_.' He looked crestfallen.

'You think he's grim? I've never seen him like that. I suppose he can come off as _gruff_' Serena suddenly shivered. 'It's _much_ too cold out here. Let's go in. Have you had dinner?'

'No.'

'Come on. We'll get you something to eat, we'll find you a berth, and we'll get you some clothes of your own so Van can have his stuff back.' She stood up and beckoned to him. He followed her back on board _Crusade_. He didn't feel he had a choice.

'Looks like you tamed him.'

'I feel rotten about using how he feels about me.'

'It's not even that serious.'

'It's probably serious to him.'

'You worry too much too nice for your own good.'

'You think I'm better than I am.'

[**Back to Book Two Table of Contents**][1]

   [1]: starbook2.html



	17. Errors

**Chapter Seventeen**

Van pulled the covers up higher, trying to create a warm coccoon, but the problem was there was very little warmth under the blankets in the first place. He had gone to bed early at Meruru's insistence but there was no way sleep was going to come. It was too cold, even beside how rumpled up his mind felt. Meruru was curled on the bunk above him, supposed to be sleeping too, but he kept hearing her turning over and sighing uncomfortably.

'Meruru,' he said after a while, 'I can hear your teeth chattering.'

'They're not chattering,' she said.

'But you're freezing too, aren't you?'

'Yes.'

'Can I crawl in with you? We could double the blankets and maybe not freeze as much.' He waited for an answer. 'Just like when we were little. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I'm _really_ uncomfortable being this cold.'

He heard her give a gusty sigh. 'Little Meruru should just give up trying to be grown-up, shouldn't she? Her life isn't going to let her.'

Van's heart lifted. 'You said you were happier being little'

'I'm coming down,' she said. 'Stay there.' She clambered down in a bundle of blankets, quickly unrolled the blankets from herself and threw them onto the lower bunk, before leaping in before she could get too chilled. She squeezed up close to Van and gave him a soft little headbutt under the chin, the way she used to do. He put one arm round her and relaxed.

'That's better already,' Van said. 'It's just nicer like this, isn't it?'

'Of course it is,' she said firmly. 'I'm sorry I ever said that about the kiss. It was just just dumb and yucky. I'm sorry.'

'You don't need to keep saying that,' he said. 'I shouldn't have done it.'

_So you really didn't want to?_

_So you really didn't want me to?_

They didn't talk any more about it. It was just too difficult to touch. After a while it got warmer under the blankets and they were able to fall asleep.

'Van! Wake up! We've got a problem!'

Van tried to sit up, got tangled up with Meruru, who was half on top of him, tried again and cracked his head on the underside of the upper bunk.

'Ow!'

'What's happening?' Meruru moaned sleepily, trying to pull the covers over her head. Van blinked to clear his eyes, rubbing his head. Serena was in the room, with a lamp in her hand, looking ruffled and anxious as though she'd jumped out of bed and pulled her clothes on any old how.

'Just get dressed and get down to the front entrance hall as fast as you can,' she said shortly, and ran out, taking the light with her.

'What's _happening_?' Meruru wailed again. Listening now, they could hear shouts outside.

'I don't know, but it sounds urgent,' Van said. He scrambled over her to get out of bed, found his trousers on the floor by the simple method of stepping on them and hopped sideways trying to get them on fast. 'Get me a shirt, get me a shirt,' he said. Meruru hung over the side of the bunk and rummaged in the duffel on the floor.

'Put on a sweater as well,' she said, throwing him one bundled up with a shirt. 'It's too cold out there. And here's your woolly socks.'

'I can't find my boots,' he muttered, pulling the sweater over his head. 'Where are my _boots_? Where does everything _go_ in the dark?'

'Here,' she said, shoving them at him. 'Cat eyes work!' While he pulled on the boots she got his sword from the wall bracket and put it in his hand just as he straightened up. 'Okay, go. Be careful.'

'You're great, Meruru,' he said, and gave her a peck on the cheek before running out the door. He was in the corridor before he thought _Why the hell did I do that? We just got back to normal. What's she going to think I meant?_ It was too late to fix it. It made him angry that he even _needed_ to fix things like that; there was a time when it would have been as simple as a kiss to a sister. He just had to keep going.

Meruru sat back on the lower bunk, her hand pressed to her cheek in the dark. 'Van-sama'

It took too damn long to get anywhere in the Capitol. The elevator was faster than the stairs would have been, probably, but it still seemed to take forever, and it was made worse by the fact that although you knew the room you were standing in was moving, you had to just stand there, jittering around, feeling as though you were getting nowhere. Besides, the elevators still made Van nervous. Unwisely, he had asked Serena how they worked, and now he couldn't stop thinking that the cables might break. Eventually it reached the ground floor and the doors sighed open, letting him out and letting a hubbub of noises in.

Most of the ceiling lights had been scavenged in here, but some were working, and it was enough to make out some rather impressive interior architecture, in gloomy relief amid the shadows. Of course, this would be a room the public would sometimes see; it needed to be imposing. The great stained-glass sliding doors that led out onto the steps and square were brightened in patches; someone had lights out there too. The atrium was full of monks and soldiers, looking as though they expected something to happen but were not sure what. Near the doors he could see Ailo, Serena and Gadeth in a sort of organisational huddle. He made his way to them with some difficulty, pushing past men who mainly seemed to want to stand and stare at the lights beyond the stained glass in case they did anything.

'The messenger said they don't want trouble, but with that many men I'm sure they're prepared for it,' Gadeth was saying as Van reached them. 'Van - we've just had a message from this Artho Mariel character. He wants to meet and discuss terms.'

'Terms of what?'

'He just said terms. I think he's trying to demoralise us by catching us at night,' Serena said irritably. She had straightened herself up a little more but her hair was still holding the shape of her pillow, as though it didn't believe it was going to have to stay up and was keeping itself in readiness for repose.

'Of course, I was up,' Ailo said. 'I spoke to the messenger. I didn't like the look of him at all; a thickset young lout, the sort who won't look you in the eye and talks into his chest. Which was decorated with a large silver star painted over the front of his shirt.'

'Well, we've got representatives of all the Allies here - I guess you top brass had better go out and say hello,' Gadeth suggested.

The doors were slid open, their ponderous movement assisted by Asturian guards, and Serena, Van and Ailo peered out into the night. A considerable crowd had assembled in the plaza, far more than the handout detail had seen at any one time during the day. Some carried lanterns on long poles, swinging over the heads of the masses. They were mostly men of various ages, but there were some teenaged girls and young women too. They had the air of people who make a lifestyle of not showing weakness, of presenting an impassive, implicitly powerful front to the world. Most were dressed in dark colours. No-one looked too shabby. At their head, halfway up the steps, stood a broad-built man in late middle age, thoughtfully sucking on a pipe.

If the crowd were decently well turned-out, he was positively resplendent, in a long sweeping overcoat with a fur collar and bands of silver braid around the cuffs. A wine-red scarf was crossed over his neck, its ends tucked behind his lapels, and a large silver star stick-pin gleamed there. It was a customised badge of the Zaibach Police. His pepper-and-salt hair was cut short and bristling, and he had a beard that trimmed the square lines of his jaw, but no moustache to conceal the equally square lines of his mouth. It was a no-nonsense letterbox sort of mouth, made to snap shut. As the three representatives stepped forward, he appeared occupied with something going wrong in the bowl of his pipe, and only looked up to acknowledge them when they had already been standing at the head of the stairs for a few moments. Very clear eyes of a peculiar light amber, the colour of beer, regarded them with something approaching amusement.

'Good evening,' he said genially.

'Good _morning_,' said Serena pointedly, but gave him a gracious smile. Van decided he was not about to let her run this meeting. It was about time he showed his authority, and reminded her that, other circumstances apart, he outranked her considerably.

'You have the attention of Fanelia,' he said to the amber-eyed man. 'What do you wish to say?'

'Only, Mister Fanelia, that we don't wish for any unpleasantness,' the man replied. 'We should introduce ourselves. My name is Artho Mariel and I lead the Silver Star syndicate in this city. The protection of the people is and always has been my business. I have a duty to investigate any possibly disruptive or harmful elements. You're a caretaker of your people. I'm sure you understand that. Things can get out of hand so quickly if you don't see them coming.'

He favoured them all with a brief, avuncular smile before continuing.

'You see before you an assembly of the solid citizens of Zaibach. We don't particularly like outside interference. We've taken care of ourselves for a long time, because we had to. None of you were interested in helping us, say, two hundred years ago. You, and Daedalus, and Basram and the rest of those bastards, had your own axes to grind back then. And after the recent unpleasantness, if you suddenly come over all philanthropic, we're bound to ask ourselves why. The last time someone came to help us well, it didn't exactly work out as we might have hoped, did it? So we've gone back to taking care of ourselves. Taking care of our own. We haven't asked you for anything.'

'That's not quite true,' Van said. 'I'm informed that many citizens have been very interested in what we have to offer.' He folded his arms over his chest. It was good to be a few steps higher up than Mr Mariel. It would be better still to be a little taller.

'Many citizens,' Mr Mariel said, with a sort of distasteful deliberation, 'don't understand about taking care of each other. They don't understand about mutual solidarity, say, and loyalty. Very selfish people, impractical people who won't adapt to circumstances.'

'We offer a change in circumstances,' Ailo said, 'which could be beneficial to everyone.'

'You offer an alliance, I'm sure,' Mr Mariel replied. 'A very big-hearted forgiving alliance, a brave new world order where we all benefit from one another's strengths, and, in short, Zaibach becomes your factory state, your servant state, and you give us order and your idea of good governance while we give you the fruits of our centuries of discipline and hard work and it stops Basram breathing down your neck just a little bit.' He spoke coolly but there was a spark in his eyes.

'It needn't be like that,' Serena said, stepping forward, stepping down and meeting the older man's eyes. 'Zaibach and Asturia have been allies before. We've shared a great deal before! For - for reasons of my own, I have a very strong interest in making sure things really do work out favourably for both sides. You can trust Asturia, Mr Mariel. And you can trust our allies too.'

_Both sides? _Van thought. _Since when is this just about Asturia and Zaibach? And since when does she do the talking?_ He stepped forward himself. Unfortunately, standing on the same step as Serena drew attention to the fact that he was shorter than her. 'This is an _equal_ alliance we're proposing,' he said pointedly. 'The fact that Fanelia is willing to treat with you on such terms should tell you something.'

'It tells me,' Mr Mariel said, 'that it smells fishy when someone asks me to trust them, and I know they have no reason to trust _me_.' He looked blandly at Van. _Things can get out of hand if you don't see them coming. No, I have no reason to trust people like you at all._

'The King doesn't wish to rake up the past,' Serena said, brightly, trying to be conciliatory.

'The King can tell people what he wishes for himself,' Van snapped back, before he could think about it. 'The _King_, perhaps, is in a better position to negotiate about things like this than someone whose real _interests_ are anyone's guess!'

'You'll ruin it,' she hissed at him under her breath.

'You _have_ ruined it,' he growled back. 'You let Fanelia and Freid down. You just have to arrogate it all to yourself, don't you?'

Mr Mariel was looking from one to the other with some fascination.

'I'm fed up with you turning your personal dislike of me into an excuse to find fault with the way I do things!' Serena snapped. 'And I don't care if everyone hears me say so!'

'The only reason you're here is because your brother bought you that uniform,' Van said. 'Do you want everyone to hear that? I don't know what he thinks he's doing, giving you an assignment like this to play with, but you have no place in this business.'

'That's not fair!'

'What's not _fair_ is you getting things handed to you on a plate and thinking you've got a right to put yourself forward!'

'I - I - oh, shut up.'

'Good one!'

She glared at him for a second before resuming her smile for Mr Mariel's benefit. 'I'm so sorry - our young friend was called from his bed and I think he's a little tired.'

'I'm not your friend and I'm the same age as you!' It sounded childish as soon as he'd said it, almost as bad as whining 'I'm _not_ tired!'

'Welcome to my level,' she said sweetly.

'You are _really_ pathetic,' he told her.

'_I'm_ pathetic! I wish Hitomi could hear you!'

'You don't even know her!' He was infuriated beyond measure now, and when she turned away from him with a little flick of her head that made it even worse. His hand shot out, caught her collar and yanked her back round.

'Get _off_!' The pale-rose lawn cravat wasn't tied properly, and as it came undone her necklace swung round and draped its chain over his hand.

'And _this!_ You, of all people, should not have this!' He wrenched at the chain, but it was quite strong and he only succeeded in pulling her head down.

'Take your hands off her!' Gadeth bellowed from somewhere behind; laughter was breaking out among the people in the crowd, but it was hard to focus on anything but the stone dangling from his hand. It was so bright; every glint struck tears in his eyes.

_Hitomi_

The brightness grew; Serena was grabbing at his hand, prising at his fingers, but his grip did not relax; she was shouting something but there was a strange rushing in his ears no a familiar rushing

As the people above and below the stone steps watched in amazement, a colossal beam of bright, white light formed around the two struggling figures, rocketing up to the sky. They were lifting they were rising they were gone.

Gadeth had begun to run towards them, almost in time, stumbling to a halt, gazing up foolishly at the point where they had disappeared. There was a general shocked hush.

'What, please, was that?' Mr Mariel asked mildly. Gadeth blinked at him, at the assembled citizens, at the cold winter stars.

'They'll - they'll be right back,' he said.


	18. Suddenly Strange

**Chapter Eighteen**

_It's suddenly strange, I can hardly complain._

_I'm down the stairs and out the door,_

_It's suddenly colder, it bowled me right over._

_I'm down again - I suppose it's over now._

The nice thing about a Discman is that it lets you plug music directly into your head, making your skull a sound chamber, replacing thought with lyrics if you wish. Bic Runga's voice poured into Hitomi's mind, searingly sweet, softly slurring sybilants, sighing silken syllables. Thinking in alliteration seemed to be a by-product of the poetry she had been writing lately, listless lists of words, numb numbers, phrases she carefully constructed to convey nothing - that was the point, that you were left with the idea of hollowness. An elaborate pattern of sound that in the end meant nothing was one way to do it. She had shown the poems to Yukari at first, but she had just looked worried by them, and tried to get her to talk about school, and Amano's letters. It was easier to be by herself than to try to explain. She knew she was worrying her mother too. The problem was, she _couldn't_ explain. She could make up an explanation that might make them feel better, and think they understood, but the truth would make her sound insane, and so she had no release. She had had a detention at school today for absent-mindedly scratching a V into her desk lid, fortunately only a lunchtime detention so at least she wouldn't have to explain coming home late.

Insulation from the world was what she sought a great deal of the time now; the music was keeping her mind comfortable just as her jacket and muffler protected her from the chilly air today. She walked with her head down. There was fresh snow on the ground, not yet dirtied by traffic, and it tended to reflect the sunlight with painful brightness whenever the clouds parted. A beam like that must be passing over; the glint of it brought tears into her eyes.

She walked right into someone; they both stumbled and the person caught hold of her arms for balance.

'Oh! I'm sorry.' She ducked her head apologetically, then glanced up to check that the person didn't seem angry.

Van.

In the first moment, she simply could not believe it was him; she rationalised it as a striking resemblance, like that between Amano and Allen, which showed how far she had come since she mistook one for the other. Then the rationalisation crumbled in the face of the evidence; in the face of his _face_, and the pressure of his hands on her arms, wearing those familiar brown gloves. He looked bewildered, and almost scared to see her. Hitomi's legs buckled and she bumped down on her knees on the pavement, hard enough to hurt.

'Hitomi, are you all right?' His voice; nothing could be clearer. He crouched down before her, tentative, wanting to help but not wanting to hurt by the wrong move.

'I'm all right,' she managed to say. His presence seemed to fill the world.

'I think you've hurt your knee there,' said another voice; another face appearing over his shoulder like the moon emerging from eclipse by the sun, if that were possible. A pale, pretty girl with untidy ash-blonde hair, dressed like Allen in blue and gold. Hitomi could not think who she could be. She was only the most distant distraction. Van helped her to her feet. Her left knee was, indeed, grazed, but only a little. Most of the damage had been to her winter tights. Hitomi could not even think of that now.

'What are you doing here? Why have you come now?' She could not just rush into his arms with the joy of seeing him; she had been too hurt by his long absence to be unwary now.

'I've I've been afraid to come to you for a long time,' Van said. 'I didn't think there was room for me in your life. I thought you might be better off without me, and we should both try to forget. I've been so confused. I - I didn't even mean to come now, things got out of control. But when I saw you just now - I should have come before. I should have come for real, not just looking on. It's amazing to be with you again - Hitomi, can you forgive me?'

She slapped him.

'You were _confused_!? You thought I'd be better off without you, but you didn't _discuss _it with me? I've been sitting here for four or five stinking _months_ not knowing if you cared or not or if you were _alive_ or not! What the hell is wrong with you? Of course I'm not going to forgive you! Get lost!' The anger she had never been conscious of suddenly roared up in her like an enlivening fire. She wasn't even going to cry this time.

Van raised his hand to his stinging cheek in shock. 'Hitomi'

'I don't want to hear it! Don't even speak to me until I've calmed down. Hi, who're you?' She spoke abruptly to Serena, who was dithering in the background, not wanting to be too obvious during a row, and staring at her surroundings a little wildly. She brought her attention back to Hitomi with something of an effort.

'Me? Serena Schezar Finn.' She held out her hand.

'Serena - Allen's sister?' Hitomi took her hand and squeezed it. 'It is _so_ nice to meet you properly. How is Allen? And you? I think we should be friends, don't you? It's so alarming to touch down in a world where you don't know anyone, I know just how you feel. Please, come to my house!' She bore Serena off down the street, towing her by the hand. Van stared for a moment before scrambling to catch up.

'Hitomi!'

'We're leaving Van behind,' Serena pointed out. She felt a little panicky at the direction things were taking. Even if they were fighting, at least Van was familiar. It didn't seem right to just disregard him and walk off.

'We're ignoring Van,' Hitomi said briskly. 'He can see how he likes it when it's _his_ turn. I like your clothes, are they copied from Allen's?'

'Well, no, I'm in the Knights of Heaven too.'

'Really? Congratulations! It must be so exciting!'

'It has its moments.'

'But how _is_ Allen? And everyone else in Asturia? Are Millerna and Dryden getting on all right?'

'They're, they're actually divorced. Millerna is married to Allen now.'

'Good grief - that was fast!' Hitomi's face was bright and her voice was brittle. Being angry had given her a charge, vitality of a kind she hadn't felt in months. 'Poor Dryden - but I suppose he could have seen it coming. I _did_ hope it would work out for those two, even if not for the best reasons. The people of the _Crusade_, too - how are they doing?'

'Pretty well - they're my crew now. I'll learn to love 'em.'

'So much has changed - I've got to catch up on everything. Nothing dreadful's happened to Gadeth, I hope. He was always nice to me.'

'He's nice to me too. I married him.'

'Married him!' Hitomi gasped. 'I can't believe it - well, good for you! It must have been weird for you settling back in after all those years.'

'Like you wouldn't _believe_.' _I guess I'll be explaining Dilandau again. If she'll actually listen. She seems hyper. Oh goodness, how are we going to get _back_? What are the others going to do? What should I do?_

'We are going to have a _great_ old gossip,' Hitomi said cheerily.

'Hitomiiiii!' Van wailed. 'Please don't ignore me! I'm sorry!'

'Hard cheese,' said Hitomi over her shoulder. 'Look, Serena, here's my house. Now, if my mother asks, you're foreign exchange students whose host families can't take you yet, you arrived early, so you just need somewhere to spend the afternoon. You're from, I don't know, Russia. Schezar sounds quite Russian. Just don't speak, all right?' Ideas were sparking in her mind now.

'I can speak English,' Serena volunteered. 'A bit.'

'Ooh! Good. That'll impress Mum. Catch up, Van, unless you want to stay out here in the snow.' She bustled them in through the front door, stopping to take off her shoes in a vestibule just inside. Serena copied her, leaning against the wall while she pulled off her boots, thinking _Here I am inside an actual house on the Phantom Moon, on Earth. A real ordinary family's house, in the same world Lord Dornkirk came from - I wonder if he ever lived in a house like this? I wonder if their furniture is weird? I wonder if they behave the same at home as normal people?_

'We don't wear shoes in the house, Van,' Hitomi was saying sharply. _He's definitely meant to know he's in disgrace. _Van hastily took off his boots and stood with them in his hands, looking slightly helplessly for something to do with them, until he noticed Hitomi putting her shoes on a shelf by the wall.

'Mum, I'm ho-ome!' Hitomi called, taking off her jacket and hooking it on the wall. A woman came into the front hall from some room opening off it - she looked to be in her late thirties or early forties, with shoulder-length brown hair held back by a band, and a kind, if careworn, face. Serena tried not to stare. It had suddenly occurred to her that just as she and Allen had no mother, nor did Millerna or Van; Cid was an orphan. Well, literally they were all orphans, but one tended to think the word meant children. Gadeth was the only person she knew well who had both parents still alive. She had felt awkward among his relatives; now she found herself envying Hitomi her mother.

Mrs Kanzaki looked at the two extra teenagers in her hall with surprise, but did not seem annoyed. She spoke to Hitomi, phrases of gibberish to Serena's ears. She whispered to Van 'Can you understand her?' He replied 'Not a word.' Hitomi's replies, though, were perfectly intelligible to the two. She told her mother the exchange-student story - whatever exchange students were - and apologised for bringing friends home without warning, but she'd wanted to show them Japanese hospitality, and it seemed like such a shame that the plans had gone wrong and they couldn't go to their host families yet - it was the first time either of them had been to another country and they shouldn't be disappointed on the first day.

Hitomi smiled sweetly at her mother and waited to see what she would say.

'Do they speak Japanese?' Mrs Kanzaki asked.

'Hardly any,' Hitomi said, 'but they've learned English at school too so we can talk that way - Serena's a bit more fluent than Van so she usually translates for him.'

'So they don't understand me?' Hitomi shook her head 'Oh _good_ - look, dear, why do they have _swords_?'

'Traditional costume,' she lied glibly. She was really surprised at herself, and surprised her mother seemed to believe her. Still, she had been lying to her for a long time, telling her that nothing was wrong. 'They're both from old Cossack families. That's what Serena's outfit is - her family used to be in the service of the Tsar, you know. She just wore it to show us at school. Doesn't she look good?' She waved her hand toward Serena, inviting her mother to admire the costume.

'Yes, very pretty - _be-ri pu-ri-ti, Serena_ - is that right? - but they're not going to keep carrying them around, are they?'

'Of course not, they're going to leave them in my room - I'm just going to lend Serena some regular clothes.'

'Where are her own clothes?'

'Well, they left all their stuff in the lockers at the station so they wouldn't have to drag their suitcases around school.' _I'm thinking of everything!_

'What did she say to you?' Van hissed at Serena, _sotto voce_.

'She called me pretty, I think - her accent's strange but it sounded like "pretty." Don't keep talking - I don't know if we sound Russian.'

'You just said more than I did,' Van pointed out, but he held his peace after that, and after a few more words with her mother Hitomi led them into the house proper and upstairs to a bedroom. Once the door was safely closed behind them she leaned against it and let out a gasp.

'I can't believe that worked!'

'Your mother is nice,' Van said hesitantly, hoping to get on her good side again.

'Wait a minute,' Hitomi said, cutting him off. 'You said something about a bad situation bringing you here. Explain.'

Van opened and shut his mouth a couple of times before he could start properly; he was simply not used to Hitomi being this terse with him, and it had unbalanced him even more than being in an alien house hearing a foreign language spoken. He managed to give a concise account of the last couple of days, though, with many interjections and additions from Serena, who had, somewhat cheekily in his opinion, sat down on the end of Hitomi's bed and made herself comfortable. Hitomi sat on the chair by her desk and listened to them attentively.

'But why would everyone go to Zaibach?' she asked in bewilderment when they had gotten up to the previous evening.

'For it all to make sense we'd have to go back and tell you _everything_ since you went home,' Serena said. 'Another reason why Van should have kept in touch.' She shot him a look under her eyebrows. He wondered why she hadn't taken the first opportunity to show him up by squealing about him picking a fight. He could hardly believe he'd done it. Going berserk in Escaflowne was one thing, but losing his temper like that, losing all control of the situation, was shameful. Goodness only knew how the others would be coping now. It really might have ruined everything. He'd have to do something about it, but it seemed impossible now; he was suddenly up to his neck in all this Hitomi business and it was just as important, but surely only to him. Did he have any right to try to sort things out here, now? And even if Serena was too ashamed of her own behaviour to talk about the fight (and he certainly didn't want to bring it up) she wasn't exactly helping him.

'Don't _you_ start,' he said wearily.

'I know,' Hitomi said to Serena. 'I should have given him a cellphone instead of the pendant.'

'A what?' asked both Gaeans.

'I understand you nearly all the time,' Serena said, 'but I didn't get that word. Why _can_ we understand you but not your mother? She speaks the same language, doesn't she?'

'I just don't know,' Hitomi admitted. 'I'm speaking Japanese. When you talk it sounds like Japanese to me, but you don't hear Japanese as your language, do you?'

'And there are other weird things,' Serena went on. 'What do you know about Shakespeare?'

'That's not important!' Van interrupted. 'We need to get back to the others.'

'Oh, that's really nice,' Serena said. 'You don't so much as speak to a girl for months, you drop in on her unannounced when it's convenient for _you_, and then you take off again as soon as possible. I don't blame you for smacking him, Hitomi - I feel like it myself sometimes.'

'Do you have to deal with him a lot?' Hitomi asked sympathetically. 'He can be maddening, can't he? I could tell you stories. But then, if you remember being Dilandau, you'll know all about being mad at him.'

'I thought you _liked_ me,' Van said woefully.

'Liking someone and being very angry with them are not incompatible states,' Hitomi said coolly. 'It happens with me and Yukari all the time. You can at least stick around until you've appeased me a little. You _still_ haven't said how you got here, just where you came from. Explain properly!'

Van sighed. Time to make a clean breast of it. 'We were in a negotiation with this local headman who seems to have taken over the capital city. And we got into a disagreement, her and me.'

'You blew your stack,' Serena said. 'All right, I was behaving badly too, but'

'You were practically insubordinate!'

'Well, I beg your pardon, but I don't necessarily consider myself your subordinate! You're not your brother.'

'Thank _you_, Dilandau!'

'_Don't_ call me Dilandau!' Serena was on her feet now, her fists clenched and cheeks flushed. Hitomi rose too, afraid there was about to be a full-scale scrap in the middle of her bedroom.

'I don't understand how that would bring you here,' she said, a little desperately. 'Can't you tell me and not fight?'

'_He_ can't keep his hands off other people's jewellery,' Serena said huffily. She twitched back her cravat to show the pink jewel hanging on her shirt-front. 'He doesn't think I should have this.'

'Is - is that mine?' Hitomi asked. She turned to stare at Van, eyes wide with surprise and hurt.

'It's one just like yours,' Van said. 'I still have yours. But she found that on a market stall and she insists on wearing it.' He hooked the chain out of the rolled collar of his jersey to show her. 'I'd never get rid of this. It upset me to see hers, when I was angry with her, and I was thinking of you' His voice trailed off. It sounded so feeble. It _was_ feeble. Hitomi would think he was an idiot and everyone in Zaibach would think he was a child.

'Which seems to have fetched us both here,' Serena finished for him. 'Making, I bet, the world's worst possible impression on the entire membership of the Silver Star syndicate. Unless they found it bizarre enough to be impressed.'

Hitomi sat down again. She still looked troubled, but her focus had shifted. 'So things have gone wrong because of me? You got distracted because of me?'

'Oh no,' said Serena. 'We were messing up just fine all by ourselves. In fact, I think the situation might get better without us in it. I'm sure Gadeth knows more about how to deal with people than I do. I've done a fairly useless job so far.' She looked a little glum.

'You must go back,' Hitomi said. 'I feel terrible about dragging you here. I should have thought' She put her hand to her head as though it hurt. 'I really can't ask you to stay here. There's so much depending on you.'

Van didn't know what to say. He _should_ go back, of course he should, and it was good that she understood, but how could he leave now without feeling like a bastard? Especially when he had upset her.

'I think we should stay a while,' Serena said briskly. Van stared at her.

'You're unbelievable,' he told her. He wished she wasn't there so he had a chance to talk to Hitomi properly. He wasn't sure what he could say but there was _nothing_ he could say while Serena bloody Schezar was sitting there making sarcastic remarks. 'You'll just leave your poor husband there not knowing if you're alive or dead?'

'Hmm,' said Serena, 'who does that sound like that we know, Hitomi?'

'Oh, for God's sake' Van sat down on the floor and put his head in his hands.

'Gadeth will understand,' Serena said. 'He knows I'm with you and he knows I can look after myself. If we go back right now I think we'll make things worse. We should give him and Ailo time to calm things down, after an embarrassment like that. And I think you two need to take the time to sort things out, and opportunities like this don't come along every day. And this is an opportunity for me too, because there are so many things I want to know about this world. I don't think it can hurt to just spend the afternoon here - and besides, what will Hitomi's mother think if we vanish? Where's Hitomi supposed to say we've gone? We've already put her out turning up like this and I think we should make things easier for her if we can.'

'I'm sorry,' Van said heavily, 'I should have remembered you're right all the time.' She was probably right about the embarrassment. _I'm not a diplomat. I don't _want_ to be a berserker either. I should have stayed at home, should have sent someone instead of trying to take it upon myself, should have insisted that they didn't send Serena!_

Serena stuck her tongue out at him. Hitomi looked at him with irritation too, and he realised with dismay that she was _still_ angry. _So what _**_should_**_ I have done?_

'Well, what would you like to know, Serena?' Hitomi asked. 'I still don't know half the things that would have made Gaea make sense to me. I really think you have to grow up in a place to understand it.'

'Oh, I know - really I'd have to say I want to know everything, but in the time we've got, I'd love to just see what people _do_ - in shops and houses and things.'

'I could take you to the shops,' Hitomi offered. 'No-one will notice you if you leave your sword here and wear some of my clothes, and it wouldn't matter about the language because there are always foreign tourists around. If we hurry they won't be closed yet.'

'Really? Like a Phantom Moon bazaar? Is it anything like the one in Pallas?'

'Not much, but if you like that I bet you'll like our shops.'

'You've been whisked to another planet by a mysterious beam of light, leaving all your friends and family behind, and you're talking about going shopping,' Van said. 'Do you see _anything_ wrong with this scenario?'

'We're _girls_,' Serena said, as if that accounted for everything.

'Out in the hall, you,' said Hitomi. 'Serena's got to get changed. Your clothes will pass, but you're not bringing your sword.'

'How do I know we'll be safe if I don't?' he protested.

'This is a civilised country with a low street-crime rate. Barring more poison gas attacks in the subways, we don't have a lot to worry about. Out out out!' She propelled him into the hallway and shut the door.

'Poison gas?' Serena repeated fearfully. 'Is that a common thing around here?'

'Don't worry, it was just some religious lunatics. It's not likely to happen again.' Hitomi went to her closet and opened the door. 'You're a bit taller than me, but I think I can find you something to fit, and you can just wear your own boots without anyone thinking they look strange.' She pulled out a dark-green dress on a hanger, looked Serena up and down, and put the dress back.

Serena was beginning to feel now that she might have been too forthright in her behaviour. Bickering with Van was one thing, but he looked really miserable. She was still trying to convince herself that this was a sensible thing to do; surely if she could make him settle things with Hitomi he would be happier and they could work together properly. If she could return with that problem solved she wouldn't have to be so ashamed when she saw Gadeth again.

'I may be speaking out of turn, but how long are you planning to treat Van like this?'

'Until I feel better or he feels worse,' Hitomi said, rattling the wire hangers in her closet.

When Van was allowed back into the room, they had both changed their clothes. He was so used to seeing Hitomi in her school uniform that he had forgotten it was a uniform; he just thought of it as her ordinary clothes. Still, it was as much an outfit for a purpose as his dragonslaying armour or the brief clothes she wore for running in. Apart from the dress Millerna had lent her in Pallas - which had rather awestricken him - this was the first time he had seen Hitomi dressed in clothes she had chosen.

There was music in the room, coming from a chunky black device on a little table, a song performed by a woman, words he couldn't understand although the sound was pleasing. It seemed like part of the air around Hitomi.

She wore a fitted black top of some fine knit material, with long sleeves and a high neck; when she turned around he could see there was a little device of stylised wings worked on the back between her shoulderblades. She had on a short, straight dark red skirt that stopped just above her knees, and her legs were covered with opaque black stockings. She looked alien and lovely. She had seemed so mournful and abstracted as she had walked along that footpath towards him, not even aware of him until they collided. Now there was some light in her eyes and colour in her cheeks, even if they only came of being annoyed with him. He wanted to throw himself at her feet and beg again to be forgiven, but he was fairly sure that would meet with a cold reception.

Serena kept twisting around in front of the mirror to look at herself in a pleated skirt of brown and green plaid and a cocoa-coloured ribbed turtleneck. Hitomi had also provided her with long black socks that came up over her knees. Although she came a distant second to Hitomi in Van's view, he would, if pressed, have admitted that she looked nice, if too pleased with herself. Neither of them asked for his opinion of her appearance, though. He felt surplus to requirements.

'Can I change the music? I think I know how to work it,' Serena said eagerly to Hitomi.

'Go ahead,' Hitomi said. 'You can change the CD if you want - I listen to this one all the time anyway.'

'Goody.' Serena bent over a metal rack holding the flat containers. 'What's this one?' She held up one, the front cover showing a picture of a group of girls in strange costumes with collars like Hitomi's uniform jacket's.

'Pretty Soldier Sailormoon. It's a soundtrack from an anime I used to like,' Hitomi said.

'Well, I didn't understand any of the nouns in that last sentence, but I'll give it a listen.' Serena carefully stopped the music still playing and pressed a button on the front of the music device, making a flat little drawer slide out of its front, as though the machine stuck its tongue out at her. She extracted a silvery disc from it, put that in an open case lying on top of the machine, and popped in the new disc. The whole thing was done with an air of ceremony - she seemed extremely proud of knowing what to do.

'You might think it's a bit strange,' Hitomi said hastily. 'It's a bit young for me, really. I liked the first three seasons but the fourth one has just been weird and I don't watch any more. It's a sort of a drama, a story. These are songs that go with the story.'

'What was it about? These girls in the funny clothes?' Serena closed the disc drawer. 'Aaaaand random play!' She pushed another button. 'Random _anything_ is more fun.'

'It's partly a love story and partly about girl warriors defending the earth with magic,' Hitomi explained as chiming music began. 'This song - 'A Maiden's Policy' - it's all about how girls have to be brave and deal with pain and believe in love.' She looked embarrassed about explaining it, as though they might think the whole thing had been her idea.

'Good stuff,' said Serena. 'Dear God, it's so _perky_. I wish I understood the words.'

'Ooh,' said Hitomi, looking at her watch, 'we'd better get moving if we want to get round the shops.'

'Are you really serious about this?' Van asked, despairing.

'Yes,' Hitomi said, picking up a shoulder-bag. 'You can come and carry anything we buy, or you can stay here and be entertained by my mother who thinks you're Russian and can speak English. No pressure. And don't forget your sword stays here.'

**Author's Note: **Observant people and Bic Runga fans have probably become annoyed by now with the fact that Hitomi is listening, in late 1996, to an album that didn't come out until 1998. This is simply a mistake on my part; it's been so damn' long since Bic did an album (the tour with Dave Dobbyn and Tim Finn doesn't count) that I backdated it in my head. However, I would humbly submit that if a CD can fly to Gaea by itself, as we know it can, a CD from 1998 can fly to 1996. Clearly Hitomi just attracts these things.


	19. Round the Shops & Back

**Chapter Nineteen**

Following girls around the shops is a trying experience for any young man; when one is sort of your girlfriend but presently mad at you and the other is generally inclined to snipe at you under any circumstances, and they both keep giggling and then looking back at you and giggling again, it is a mild form of torture.

They had already presented him with two carrier-bags and more seemed likely to appear. At first it had seemed that the only spending money they would have was Hitomi's allowance, but Serena had brought a small wallet in her pocket - 'It's a good thing I'm not organised enough to empty my pockets at night' - containing a few Asturian gold and silver coins, which they sold as antique Russian curiosities in a pawnshop for a not inconsiderable sum in yen. Of course, nearly any sum in yen sounds like a lot, but this had been enough for one of those portable music machines with bits that you stuck into your ears, several discs for it and a liberal supply of batteries, and there was still a fair bit in the wallet, now in Hitomi's shoulder bag.

Van kept hoping they would announce that they'd had enough soon, but they kept noticing something else they wanted to look at. Serena was genuinely enchanted with everything she saw, but he suspected Hitomi of doing it perversely to punish him. All around him were people chattering away incomprehensibly and the sound was intimidating. He didn't know how to apologise when he bumped into people on the crowded sidewalks and he was getting some annoyed looks. If someone shouted an order or a warning at him, 'Stop in the name of the law' or 'Watch out for the something-or-other,' he would have no idea what they were saying. It was far too easy to get into trouble here. He managed to catch up with the girls in a jewellery shop, where Serena was thinking about buying a wristwatch for Gadeth.

'The problem is, he's not here to try it on,' she was saying as she bent over a shining glass case, 'and I know his sizes in clothes but I couldn't for the life of me tell you the circumference of his wrist.'

'Most of them are adjustable,' Hitomi said. 'It must be so strange to be _married_ at our age.'

'Gadeth gets a bit funny about it sometimes, but actually I seldom think of it. Millerna got married at fifteen, younger than me. Well, by a bit. I'd just turned sixteen.'

'Millerna is _fifteen_? I always thought she was older than me - she always acted like it.'

'No, she's our age - and she's more than married, she's going to have a baby. She'll be sixteen in spring, around the time it's due.'

'I'm _so_ out of touch!' Hitomi exclaimed. 'It's strange to think of life going on in Gaea without me all the people I knew growing and changing of course I knew it would happen, but hearing about them all again' Her voice trailed off, and Van, watching her closely, thought she looked sad. 'Goodness - that makes Millerna younger than _me_ - my birthday's coming up in December. There's such a lot to take in.'

'And I haven't even told you about the business with Dilandau.'

'I thought you were Dilandau - or you used to be.'

'It got more complicated than that. He's all gone, though.'

'Excuse me,' Van said. 'Haven't you really had enough by now? It's pitch-black outside. We said we'd just stay for the afternoon. We've been away for ages and apart from anything else I bet Meruru is worried about me.'

'Typical,' said Hitomi. 'You show more consideration for your cat than for me.'

'Hitomi,' said Serena, moving to another case, 'can you tell me what you think of this one? It's the same as the one we liked before but silver.' Hitomi followed her, leaving Van standing forlornly by himself.

'Don't you think you'd better let up on him?' Serena whispered to her. 'I'm amazed at how he's putting up with this - he must be really penitent. But you know how proud he is - if you humiliate him too much he'll just get all prickly and you'll never have a reconciliation. Isn't that what you really want?'

'This is the only way I can think of to keep him with me,' Hitomi whispered back miserably. 'If I say it's all right, won't he just go away again? Or should I let him? Have I got any right to try and hang onto him?'

'I - I'm sure you should. It just wouldn't be right to give up.'

'I'm so jealous of you,' Hitomi sighed. 'You've got everything settled with Gadeth. You don't have anything to worry about any more.'

'I don't have to worry about _him_ but there are still problems it's just that having him makes them less. Van definitely needs someone to take care of him, I've always thought so and if you don't do it Meruru will.' What sort of reaction would that get?

'Meruru!?' Hitomi's eyebrows shot up.

'Well, think about it - he's known her forever, they do love each other, she's around all the time, worships the ground he walks on, pretty cute and likely to get cuter' Serena paused and raised her own eyebrows significantly. Obviously this was a sore spot - it seemed mean to manipulate it, but it was for Hitomi's own good, really it was.

'That little cat burglar! It would be just like her to steal him while my back's turned.'

'Of course, she can't steal him if he wants you to keep him' Serena looked appraisingly at the wristwatch. 'You know, I really think Gadeth's more of a silver person. Gold can be funny on people with olive skin. Would you ask the girl to get it out so I can look at it better?'

'What? Oh - yeah.' Hitomi got the attention of the woman behind the counter and asked for the silver watch. While Serena examined it and nodded as though she understood when the saleswoman pointed out its features, Hitomi sneaked a look over her shoulder at Van. She had been too impatient before to take a long look at him. He looked tired and a little pale - the paleness could be due to winter, but he had a general air of not feeling very well, and remorse pricked at her. _Someone to take care of him and someone to take care of me. Perhaps I could help him sort all this out but how can I? I want _**_my_**_ world!_

Behind her she heard Serena say in her oddly-accented English - perhaps she was no judge, but it certainly sounded different from the language tapes they played at school, and the singers in American and English music - 'I'll take it, please.'

'_Sank' yuu_,' said the saleswoman brightly. She took the watch back to wrap it. Hitomi wandered over to where Van stood and glanced over the case of watches again.

'You haven't got anything like this in Gaea, have you?' she asked, carefully neutral.

'Well no we haven't got anyone like you, either.' He gave her an uncertain little smile.

'Oh, I don't know. You've got Meruru.'

'She's _nothing_ like you - except for the wing thing, and you laughed when I said you were like her that way.'

'Well, wings are nice,' she said. He'd made her remember that night when he had told her so much of his history; when she'd begun to understand him a little, a strange half-angel boy, his mother called a demon, very human. It made her shy somehow, to go from her feelings of distance and hollowness to that memory of first closeness.

'I like the ones on your shirt,' he said. 'On the back there.'

'I thought of you when I found it,' she said, and blushed. Neither of them could think of anything to say after that, and they stood there not-quite looking at each other, a little encouraged but not yet sure, until Serena bustled up, happy with her purchases, ready to head back to Hitomi's house. She was in an excessively good mood all the way, chattering about everything she had seen and heard, and exclaiming at how cold it was. Hitomi had lent her a jacket but she complained that the little space of leg between the hem of her skirt and the tops of the long socks was freezing. She had taken over the bag-carrying and was swinging them by her sides like pendulums. Hitomi and Van walked in a meditative silence, each thinking about what should come next.

'I'm a little sad about going home right away,' Serena was saying, 'but I'm also dying to tell Gadeth all about it. I wish he could have been here. Shops aren't really his thing but he says it's amusing just to tag around with me. How long have we been up, I wonder? We got up in the middle of the night and we've had an afternoon and a bit of evening. It's been so weird - can you imagine _any_ connection between where we are now and where we were before and are going back to? But we're the same people. I never get over that. The stars don't look nearly as bright from here, do they? I suppose you have a lot of light pollution from the city. And it's bizarre to look up and just see the one little moon in the sky. I'm having a conversation all by myself, aren't I?' She stopped and turned back to look at the two of them, at the top of the stepped hill they were still climbing. 'Ah, I wish I was young again and still just falling in love like that,' she said sentimentally.

'Cut it out,' Van said, but it was really just for form's sake. He had just managed to catch Hitomi's eye and she had returned his gaze for several seconds before looking away. It was enough to make his heart skip.

'Probably time to be going home, then,' Serena said, and the skip turned into a stumble.

'Right,' he said. 'Back, of course. We've - spent enough time here.' He had almost said 'wasted,' but caught himself before he managed to undo any good he'd done.

'You'll have to get your things from my house,' Hitomi said quickly. 'You can't go straight away.'

'I know.'

She stayed in the hall with him while Serena changed her clothes in the bedroom. They both leaned against the wall, feeling constrained to quietness. Hitomi's family were downstairs, her mother getting dinner ready, her father snatch-watching the news on TV in between helping her brother with his science homework. They could hear an anchorwoman describing an aviation disaster in America while Mamoru complained over the top of her about the impossibility of thinking up a science fair project that hadn't been done before but was still doable by a non-Einstein.

'So,' Hitomi said softly, 'here's my world.'

'Your family are nice,' Van said. 'You'll tell your mother we said thanks, right?'

'Oh, of course.' The conversation died again. After a moment's deliberation, Van carefully slid his hand along the wallpaper to cover hers where it rested. Hitomi felt a slight, warm shock at the touch, as though her wrist's pulse was doubled for a moment. _I can't just let my hand lie there like a dead spider_. His palm rested on the back of her hand; she turned it over, interlacing their fingers, wondering how hard to squeeze. She wished he didn't still have gloves on. _But we _**_are_**_ holding hands._ That was wonderful in itself.

'And I'd like you to tell her she has a very kind and understanding daughter,' Van said.

'Won't it sound as though I'm showing off?'

'Only if you also tell her she has a beautiful daughter.' He turned and smiled at her; she thought he smiled, but the light was at the far end of the hall and his face was a little shadowy.

'Oh, I'm not' She turned towards him to deny it, but her voice faded off in confusion. She could feel heat rising in her cheeks; with any luck he couldn't see her too well either. Knowing she was blushing always embarrassed her, which was a vicious cycle when you thought about it.

'I'm allowed to think so.'

'You're making it so difficult to say goodbye to you,' Hitomi murmured. She still had his hand; she pressed it in both of hers, gazing down at the interlocking fingers, unable to look him in the eye.

_Was that the wrong thing to say? I was only trying to - if she'd just look up I'd know._ He braced himself and touched her chin with his free hand, finding just the softest touch was enough to make her raise her head, and after that there was really only one possible option.

It was completely, blessedly different from kissing Meruru. It was simply easier; he didn't have to bend his head down in that awkward way. Although that thought occurred to him, it did not come close to defining how different it felt, how different Hitomi was. It was right, that was all. She was right. With Meruru he had wondered how quickly you could decently leave off, but this could go on forever and he would only get happier. She took her left hand off his and he felt her arm settle around the back of his neck; perfect, perfect, warm and sweet. He could feel a slight tightness in his chest and realised, with reluctance, that they would have to breathe sooner or later. As their lips parted he felt a tremulous warm ticklish exhalation from her and wanted to start over again, but at that moment the door of Hitomi's bedroom swung open, they both looked round guiltily, and Serena stood there, looking well pleased with herself.

'Well!' she said. 'I can't turn my back on you for five minutes, can I?'

Van felt only the mildest urge to suggest that she drop dead.

'Oh, be quiet,' Hitomi said, and gave Van an amused little just-between-us glance from under her eyelids, half shy. He wondered if she would object very much to being kissed again in front of someone else, but the window of opportunity was closed; Serena was busily saying that Hitomi could keep the change from their shopping, just as a thankyou present, reattaching her sword to her belt and offering his back to him. He ignored her as well as he could.

'What do you want me to do?' he asked Hitomi. 'I only want you to be happy. Would you like me to stay here with you?' It was the sort of thing he could only say feeling as he did now, before he had time to think about it and realise what was wrong with it; in a moment like this it seemed practicable.

'How on earth could you?'

'Then come with me.' She caught her breath and he saw worry come back into her eyes. 'Just for a visit. Like we did today. Couldn't you make some kind of excuse?' He traced the line of her jaw with the backs of his fingers, delighted as she inclined her cheek towards the touch. 'I just want to be where you are.'

'Where's Hitomi?' Mamoru asked. After getting through his first helping of fish, it occurred to him to notice that his sister was nowhere in sight.

'She went with her friends, just to see them home,' Mrs Kanzaki said. 'She's brightened right up. It's so nice to see her really interested in something again.'

'Very interested,' Mr Kanzaki said. 'I saw the young fellow kiss her in the hall upstairs - I was just going to find my reading glasses and they didn't notice me.' He calmly helped himself to more rice and enjoyed the impression this news made on his wife and son.

'Our Hitomi has a _boyfriend_?' Mrs Kanzaki blurted.

'Is she _allowed_?' Mamoru demanded.

'I don't expect there's any harm in it,' his father said. 'She's always been a sensible girl. I don't think we need to worry about her getting carried away.'


	20. Trouble at t'Mill

**Chapter Twenty**

Dawn was breaking over the rooftops of Zaibach's capital, a quiet tide of light that made the pillar that delivered the three of them to the capitol rooftop look watery and weak. Hitomi gazed around her, squinting slightly in the daylight.

'I only remember it being night here,' she said. 'It doesn't look too bad with the sun shining.'

'I wish you could see Fanelia now,' Van said. 'Things are getting back to normal. In fact it probably looks smarter than it ever did - this architect friend of Dryden's came out and offered to design new streets and houses pro bono. People are starting to feel really hopeful again, I think. And if I can just sort things out here, they'll be that much safer.' Her hand was still in his, although she too had warm gloves on now. She had packed a bag in a hurry; the amount of clothing she had put in, and the fact that she had run to the bathroom to get her toothbrush and shampoo, made him hopeful that she would stay for a while. Even long enough to return to Fanelia, perhaps.

'Aren't they lucky to have you looking after them?' she asked. They both turned from the view at the sound of a voice.

'_There_ you are!' It was Gadeth, striding towards them over the rooftop from the anchored _Crusade_, frowning against the bright light.

'Here we are!' Serena replied, running to him with shopping bags slung over her arms. She flung her arms around him, planting an apologetic kiss on his cheek. 'Were you all right without me?'

'When am I ever all right without you?' he asked, half-smiling, but still with a trace of a frown. 'You gave us a hell of a fright disappearing like that.' Other men were emerging from _Crusade_ and _Lion Rampant_, and he stepped back from her awkwardly. He hadn't returned her kiss, and she looked up at him wistfully.

'Really, were things all right? I know we screwed up. I've been trying to sort things out at the other end. We got a Hitomi.' She gestured towards the couple behind them; a strand of Hitomi's hair had blown across her eyes and Van was occupied in brushing it away.

'Hitomi? Well it's nice to see her again'

'Serena-sama! You're all right!' Rafel ran up to her and grabbed her arm, his face shining.

'Well, _someone_'s glad to see me,' she said.

'I heard you flew away!'

'All the way to the Phantom Moon!'

'Amazing! What did you do?'

'I actually, I went shopping. Have some chewing-gum.' She produced a small coloured packet from one of the bags and gave it to him.

'You went _shopping_!?' Gadeth took Serena's elbow and pivoted her away from the boy. 'What were you _thinking_?'

'I only did it to fill in time while Van and Hitomi were getting reacquainted,' she protested. 'I got you a present.'

'Oh, that's nice, I could do with a present after the night we've had. Artho Mariel thinks you two are insane. He's told us we have until noon to pack up and leave before he and his gang clear us out by force. We're a laughing stock. No, to be exact, _you_ are a laughing stock. The crew aren't going to listen to a word you say. There's a limit to what I can do with them, especially when I'm meant to be under you. Things are going to hell here.'

'It - it wasn't all my fault!'

'It wasn't none of your fault, either.' He took in her stricken expression and sighed. 'I _am_ on your side. If you don't see this stuff I've got to tell you about it. It's getting out of control and we need someone with more experience in charge. I think it's time you sent a message back home. We can hold on here until reinforcements arrive. I mean, if we have to we'll just get back in the ships and hover out of reach.'

'But we have plenty of men,' Serena objected. 'We can hold the capitol. This is a power game, if we can get a decisive victory we'll be fine. We've just got to show Mr Mariel up in front of his people. We can do that.'

'Maybe Van can do that, and I'm sure Ailo and Arctu's men will play ball, but - I'm just saying, if you can't keep the respect of your own troops you'll get nowhere. And if the Asturian contingent gets unruly, it's going to demoralise the others and the whole thing'll turn to custard. Look, would you put those bags down?'

'So, what, I should send a pigeon to Allen with a crayonned note saying Dear Big Brother Help Help I Can't Cope Love Little Me? I'm not _that_ pathetic. And _for_ your information, as I was _trying_ to say, I was actually putting the time to good use effecting a reconciliation between Hitomi and Van so _he_ won't be in such a shitty mood all the time and pick fights with me in front of threatening mobs!' Serena slapped the dangling carrier-bags together indignantly.

'What's going on?' Rafel asked anxiously. He stepped up to Serena's side and looked at Gadeth severely. 'What are you being mean to her for?'

'I'm not being _mean_,' Gadeth started to say, but lost track of the sentence when he was nearly knocked over as Meruru cannoned past him in her nightgown with a jacket over the top.

'Vaaaan-samaaa!' She sprang at him and threw her arms round his neck. Van staggered back a few steps, but managed not to fall.

'I was so _scared_ when they told me and no-one knew where you'd gone and where _did_ you go and why were you away so long?' Meruru yelped. Van ruffled her hair, laughing softly.

'Hello, Meruru,' said Hitomi. Meruru's head shot round as though it was on a spring.

'Oh,' she said, 'it's you.' Declarations of war had been issued in warmer tones.

'It's me,' Hitomi agreed. 'How have you been?'

'I've been absolutely fine,' Meruru said. She unclamped herself from Van's windpipe and stood up straight, trying to show her full height, which had not increased appreciably since the last time they had met. 'I've been looking after Van-sama, so he's been fine too.'

'Well,' said Hitomi, 'thank you for taking care of him for me.' She smiled warmly. Meruru's eyes narrowed.

'How nice to see my two favourite girls together again,' said Van, with a note of desperation in his voice.

'Is she here to stay?' Meruru asked him.

'If - if she wants to.'

'Where shall I put my bag?' Hitomi asked.

'Not in _our _room,' said Meruru. 'Perhaps you could bunk in with Rafel, the King of Nits.'

'Who?' Hitomi asked.

'Breakfast!' said Van brightly.

Breakfast was rather rushed through. Plans had to be made; it was decided that all three ships would revert to a hovering holding pattern to reduce the chances of sabotage by Silver Star. A lot of the cargo from the big troopship would first be offloaded onto the capitol roof, the space cleared on board to be filled by vast quantities of books and other documents the monks were bringing up from the subterranean levels. 'Even if we have to leave with our tails between our legs,' Ailo said, 'we'll have a lot of information we could never have hoped for before.' Except for a necessary guard detail, almost all hands were pressed into service shifting things in one direction or the other. Investigations were also being made into whether any of the smaller machines could be moved.

Hitomi and Meruru were allowed to help with the document-moving, partly because Meruru insisted, partly because Van was disinclined to spend the whole morning lugging books and not seeing Hitomi at all. There seemed to be a different understanding between the two of them now, although neither was perfectly sure of all the terms. Meruru was clearly aware of it too, and became increasingly disagreeable as the morning wore on. It was not that she was openly hostile to Hitomi; it seemed more like the sort of grumpiness that results from having to keep going with a headache that you can do nothing about. She seemed to find relief in increasingly savage verbal scuffles with Rafel, which took on a distinct competitive aspect as both participants strove to come up with the most devastating insult possible. Bonus points were given for alliteration or rhyming.

Hitomi felt strange and off-footed coming into the situation at the deep end, as it were. There was clearly more wrong than Meruru's bad mood, and the undeniably abrasive personality of Rafel, to whom she'd been hastily introduced. A lot of the trouble seemed to centre around Serena. For one thing, although she had spoken affectionately and happily of Gadeth while they were on Earth, she didn't seem to be getting on with him at all well in the present. Hitomi had rather looked forward to seeing Gadeth again, remembering him fondly, but found his obvious displeasure with the whole situation intimidating. The Crusaders had greeted her cheerfully, and there had been a certain amount of teasing which had made both her and Van blush quite unnecessarily, but things were not right there, either. Whenever Serena spoke to one of them, he would look at her in blank way that was not _quite_ insolent, and would obey her instructions only after a slight pause _just_ long enough to give the impression that he might, if he chose, ignore her. It made Hitomi wish Allen were around to calm the situation, but she knew from the conversation between Serena and Gadeth that she could not help overhearing that Serena was vehemently opposed to calling for help. Throughout the morning she caught snatches of their argument about it.

For her own part, Hitomi was disposed to like Serena. She seemed bright and pleasant, and Hitomi could not be more grateful to her for suggesting that she and Van stay on Earth for a while. But of course Van didn't like her. It was understandable. Hitomi wondered whether she was not being rather disloyal liking Serena. Should she be trying to remember that the other girl used to be Dilandau, or was it all right to just take her as she found her? She was only the second girl of her own age who she had met on Gaea, and she was far more approachable than Millerna. It would be nice to have a friend here, even one whose life was so strikingly different from her own. A husband and a knighthood!

Now that she was here it was easier, just slightly easier, to try to think what sort of place for her there could be on Gaea. To leave her place on Earth right now was unthinkable; she would be in enough trouble for missing school while she was here - _I can't believe I'm a truant!_ - and she simply could not imagine not graduating high school. The way she had been brought up, leaving school early was just Not Something We Do. In fact, she had never seriously considered the possibility that she would not go to university too. And on Earth, well, there was the track club, there were races and competition and the chance to prove herself. There were no Olympic medals to win on Gaea - even if she ever got to Olympic level, she reminded herself sternly.

At what point could she step out? _And aren't I assuming that if I came here to stay I would be married to Van? It's a lovely thought - I think it's a lovely thought - but I can't depend on that. He might _**_have_**_ to marry someone else, like Millerna did. Would he do that?_

She tried to picture being married to Van while she stacked the binders on a trolley she had found. It was extremely easy, in a rose-tinted, picking-out-unborn-children's-names sort of way. _But be reasonable_, she scolded herself. _Think about not being able to call Mum if the children were sick or I was worn out looking after them. If the children were sick! Think about medicine, and doctors - how good _**_are_**_ those things here? Do they have vaccinations and - and dentists and things? Everyone's teeth _**_look_**_ all right. I know the bathrooms are okay. Although the ones in Fanelia could use work. Think about being a queen - what kind of work is that? Would it be too hard for me or would I not have enough to do and get bored and lonely? Would he be so busy he couldn't spend much time with me? It's not like marrying a normal person who has a job he goes to in the daytime and comes home from at night. Do kings get Sundays off? Would we have to live like people in history or could I make a nice normal family like the one I grew up in?_

Hitomi decided to stop asking herself questions she didn't know the answers to, and pushed the trolley to the elevator. When the doors opened, she found Serena already inside, with a stack of ledgers in her arms. Her face looked tearstained.

'Are you all right?' Hitomi asked. Serena mm-hmmed and motioned her in. The elevator floor had settled slightly higher than the floor outside the doorway, so she had to give the trolley a push and a jerk to get it over the lip and into the car, which produced a clashing noise and made the binders slither precariously. Serena tried to block their slide with her elbow, but several clapped and clattered to the floor despite her, and her own burden followed.

'Shit!' she exclaimed, kicked the metal leg of the trolley, and gulped hard as though trying not to start crying again.

'Really, are you okay?' Hitomi stepped into the elevator car, letting the doors finally close, and started trying to shovel the fallen binders back on any old how. Serena bent and helped her.

'Oh, fine,' she said, in a brittle tone. 'Just getting morgue records, very cheerful work, and Gadeth's in a mood with me as you may have noticed. Allen should _not_ have given me this bloody job. They shouldn't have let me think I was up to it, I'm going to let everyone down. I've let them down already. It's all spoiled. Van's right about me. I push in without the faintest idea of what I'm doing.' She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyesockets as though she was squashing the tears back in. Hitomi was about to put a hand on her shoulder when she sprang up, deposited the last ledger on top of the trolley and shook her hands out briskly. 'But no! I'm fine! Damage control! Focus on what you _can_ do, not what you can't.'

'I'm sure Gadeth won't stay angry,' Hitomi said. 'I always thought he was pretty easygoing.'

'Oh, he's not angry with me, he's disappointed in me,' Serena replied.

'But maybe you can make things better,' Hitomi offered. 'You never know. And if you ask for help'

'I wanted to get it all right by myself,' Serena said. 'I wanted to be outstanding and surprise people. I don't know. It might be wrong but lately I've been asking myself "what would Dilandau do?" And sometimes I just don't know. He let other people do the thinking a lot of the time, you know. He didn't really do plans beyond "let's find something and kill it." But his memories are all the experience of command that I've got. I keep finding out that there are some things he could do that Serena just can't.'

'Dilandau definitely wouldn't have done what you did for me and Van.'

'No, not soppy enough.' Serena gave a long, hard sniff, as though pulling herself together for good. She gave Hitomi a little smile. 'Well, at your fiftieth wedding anniversary you can have a toast to Serena Schezar Finn. "She meant well."'

The discipline problem that had been festering among the Crusaders came to a head around eleven o'clock. Serena had gone to find Gadeth, overseeing unloading on the rooftop, and when the men were having a breather, had taken him aside, into the shadow of the stairwell. With a reliance on the so-called 'feminine wiles' which she found herself rather ashamed of, she made a heartfelt protestation of her distress at having displeased him, and managed to wheedle him into something approaching mollification.

Eventually, he told her not to worry, and kissed her. It was a moment of the greatest relief for Serena; she felt that she had been let off from some kind of punishment. If Gadeth would still kiss her, nothing could be too awful; she couldn't have offended too badly. And if kisses could keep him happy, she would do her best to make every one worth his while.

Someone exclaimed sarcastically 'It's all right for some!' They both looked round to find Baile and Oruto watching them around the corner of the stairwell.

'Oh, grow up,' Serena said, irritated. It was the sort of joke she didn't need to hear just then. Baile did not appear to take it as a joke. His lip curled scornfully.

'Try it yourself,' he retorted, and turned his back, ready to walk away.

'Don't you speak to her like that,' Gadeth said.

'No,' said Oruto neutrally, 'he shouldn't speak that way to the girl you love.'

'He shouldn't speak that way to his commanding officer,' Gadeth snapped back.

'What _officer_?' Baile asked, with insulting emphasis, and still without turning. He began to walk back to the crates around and upon which the Crusaders were sitting. Gadeth started after him in a stiff-legged, angry lope, but Serena ducked in front of him and pushed him back with one arm. A flurry of impetuous steps brought her round in front of Baile, glaring at him. He stopped and matched her stare for stare.

'Do you want to explain what you meant by all that bullshit?' she demanded.

'What everyone knows,' he replied. 'I'll follow the sarge; I'll do what he says. He's as good as any of us and he's the one I'd say was in charge. As for you, well, he's got a nice little arrangement, getting to bring the wife along. I'm happy for him. What makes me want to spit is that you're the one who got the nice uniform, to go with your nice name, while a man who knows what he's doing is supposed to call you sir. Or whatever he does call you.'

'Gadeth accepts me as the commander,' she said, though she wondered if it was weakening her own position to put it that way. 'If you respect him so much you'll accept it too.'

'Of course he's going to accept you,' Rideth called out from the case he was sitting on. 'You're leading him round by the dick!'

Serena felt herself blush. What a disgusting way to put it, like an ugly cousin of the truth. There was a moderate wave of rough laughter. She could hear Gadeth inquiring furiously whether they thought that was any way to talk in front of a lady. The choice of word was unfortunate; it got an even bigger laugh. Her whole face was burning.

'The _lady_ Serena Schezar,' said Baile, with a mocking bow. 'I don't know what's worse, getting orders from a girl or a boy, but with her we don't really have to make up our minds, right guys? I'd better stop. I'm gonna make her cry.' He put his fists on his hips and grinned at Serena.

The punch connected with his chin with such a report that most present thought a bone must have broken. She simply couldn't put the weight behind it to send him flying, but it lifted him slightly off his feet and he dropped like a puppet with the strings cut. He was certainly stunned, but not out for the count; his head rolled loosely for a moment and then he put a hand to his jaw and stared up at her with a touch of panic.

'Okay,' she said. Her throat felt thick; it made her growl. 'You don't like taking orders from me. Tough shit, because you're going to. And if I have to add a little punctuation to get your attention, that doesn't bother me an awful lot. I know how to do it. And you'll take it.' She glared around at the rest of them; they were staring at her, they were afraid of her. It was better; it was worse.

'Bitch,' Baile said thickly. He was feeling his chin as though making sure it still belonged to him.

'No, Baile, as of now you are _my_ bitch.' _Oh, what _**_do_**_ I think I sound like?_

'What's the sarge, then?' She didn't see who said it, and she was too steamed up to recognise voices. She swung her glare round on them again. _Why doesn't Gadeth _**_stop_**_ me? I guess he can't!_

'I'll make you a deal,' she said. 'I can see why we shouldn't bring our private lives to work. Okay, no more. We're one hundred percent professional as of now. He's the sergeant. I'm the captain. We'll behave like we're two men on duty. There's no sex in this, only rank.'

'No sex?' repeated Baile. 'If that's the way you want to play it. It makes things a bit fairer, after all.'

'I - no, I didn't mean it like that.'

'You didn't? But if you're going to be _professional_, I don't see what's professional about the commander and the sergeant sleeping together. Separate rooms is what would be _professional_.'

'That's none of your business,' Gadeth said, 'absolutely none of your business.' He was terribly red in the face.

'It's upsetting our morale,' said Rideth virtuously. 'It's not setting a good example. Knowing that sort of thing about your officers, well, it doesn't help you to respect them.'

'All _right_, I'll get a room of my own. Happy?' Serena felt quite desperate now. She should ignore them, she should dismiss this nonsense, but they would ignore her ignoring them.

'Sarge isn't.' Gadeth had not been able to stop his face falling at her words.

'This should be fine for you,' she said, suddenly angry with him too. 'You're embarrassed about showing me any affection in front of people. And the only reason you're not as insubordinate as these idiots is that I _am_ your wife. You don't think I can handle this either. I'll prove you all wrong. I'll prove you all wrong!' She stormed away.

_He isn't following me._


	21. Confrontation

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Noon came.

Silver Star came, a solid body of men and women pacing through the stale snow of the great square. Brother Ailo met them on the steps.

'Are you ready to clear out?' Mr Mariel asked.

'We are not,' Ailo said. 'We wish to remain.'

'We've had people watching you all day. This place has been like a broken ants' nest. You've been getting ready to pull out. You know we can make you.'

'We don't wish to fight you,' Ailo said, 'because if we do, we will win, and we will kill many of you. We would like this to remain a peaceful operation. We have said before that we came to help. Your hostility and distrust are unnecessary.'

'I might actually do a deal with you,' Mr Mariel said slowly, 'if it were just you. But those two' He jerked his head upward, indicating people inside the building. 'The little king and that weird girl. It's an insult to send them. Shows us what you think of us. We're not that beaten.'

'But you are beaten,' Ailo said coolly. 'You have had several months but you have not managed to restore civil order to even this city. Fanelia is almost rebuilt. In Asturia, business is good. In Freid, the Zaibach garrisons that were left behind as an occupying force have been absorbed into the population. They don't care about being from Zaibach. They have turned over their guymelefs for research, and are finding jobs and homes. As a nation, Zaibach no longer really exists.'

'We still have our pride.'

'Pride and empty stomachs.'

'Damn you. You could at least have done this so we kept some dignity. The King of Asturia could have come.' He kept his voice low, not wanting the waiting people to hear.

'If you mean King Aston, he died in late summer. His daughter, Queen Millerna, is now the reigning monarch; the king is simply her consort.'

'That what's his name, that Fassa boy. The businessman.'

'Allen Schezar. A Knight of Heaven.'

'Schezar - she's - he sent his _little sister_?' Mr Mariel's face went blank with surprise. 'What is going _on_ over there? The reports were so confused we thought they must be wrong. We heard they had Dilandau Albatou on trial. No-one was clear on what happened, though. Some people said he killed himself. Some people said a girl killed him. Was that her? Surely not.'

'He killed himself,' Ailo said. 'But you're underestimating her. She has still to prove herself.'

'It's a damn shame,' Mr Mariel said. 'That boy was really something.'

'Yes, he was something.' It was so neutral that Mr Mariel laughed.

'You're very polite, I like you.'

'Will you consider accepting the offer of an alliance?'

Mr Mariel seemed to turn the idea over in his mind. 'I would,' he said, 'I would if the Queen would come out here. I wouldn't expect that poor little kid who's running your country now to make the trip. But I want to speak to the Queen. You go and tell blondie that if she wants to prove herself, that's what to do - know when you're the wrong person for the job, and get the right person.'

'I have no idea how the Queen of Asturia will respond to that requirement,' Ailo said, 'but I'll pass the message on. In the meantime, we stay.'

'Feel free. It's a pleasure doing business with you.' He touched his brow in an ironic gesture of deference, and turned back to his people to tell them the new plan.

The Queen of Asturia opened a window in her bedroom, and leaned out to breathe the air. It was so cold it made her skin prickle. The air of the room had grown stuffy, and the fireplace was smoking slightly. Millerna knew she had to take care of herself, especially since she had not felt at all well in the last few days, but she was feeling desperately shut in.

'I am a pregnant woman, not an invalid,' she had told Allen that morning. The statement would have carried more weight if she had not been sitting up in bed, recovering from fainting at breakfast. It was infuriating that she could not quite understand what was happening in her own body; of course she had never made a deep study of obstetrics or gynaecology, but her partial knowledge made her feel more helpless in the hands of other doctors. She was professionally reassured, told not to worry; first pregnancies were often a little bumpy, but they had seen many women safely through worse complications. Her trouble was simply exhaustion; she needed to rest and eat well and not think about anything that bothered her.

She had spent the morning reading over old letters and papers of Elise's, by herself, really by herself for once because she had told her maids to leave her alone, and Allen was meeting a committee of merchants to discuss something dull. He was taking up the slack for her, just as the doctors said he should, protecting her from any pressure. He was loving and gentle; he refused to talk to her about the business he dealt with during the day in case any of it upset her. 'I want my angel to be happy,' he told her. He slept with her because she asked him to, seeming uneasy about any intimate contact.

'I'm not even that pregnant yet,' she said in frustration. 'It's perfectly all right for us to make love. I would feel much better if we did. Does it put you off that I'm getting so fat?'

He assured her that of course it did not; she was always beautiful to him. Actually, there were times when he seemed rather fascinated, in a guilty sort of way, by the changes in her body. That pleased her as a concept but rather worried her in real life, for reasons she could not quite put her finger on. Probably, she thought, because she was still so ambivalent about the pregnancy herself. She wanted to to be all right, she truly did. Wanting to be rid of it was an abstract sort of thought, really wanting it never to have happened. For the pregnancy to actually _end_ would be terrible. She thought happy thoughts about a beautiful, healthy baby; about how she would love it, how caring for it together would create a deeper bond between herself and Allen. She prayed every night and every morning that the child would take after herself, that it would not be a visual reminder of Dryden to either of them. _I want a dear little girl, I think, with fair hair and blue eyes. No, no, I should want a boy. A boy would make Allen happier. I think. I should really ask him. Men _**_do_**_ want sons, don't they? But perhaps he would rather a son was all his, one of the children we'll have later. We must have more children later. As soon as possible. Oh, if only this were over with!_

It was terrible to realise that it would never be over with now that it had begun. Once you had a child it was part of you for the rest of your life. _My baby will be born around the time I turn sixteen. Oh, I shouldn't have said yes! I should have dug my heels in. I should have listened to that ridiculous old man. I wasn't fair to Dryden. I've made him so unhappy. I wish I could give the baby to him. Perhaps he would like that. But I must ask Allen before I ask him, and I can't do a thing if it would make him unhappy._

Thoughts like these crowded her head like warm fusty smoke, and only cool outdoors air dispelled them. There was something else she had to think about, anyway, something more to ask Allen about.

She heard the bedroom door open behind her, and Allen's voice.

'Angel, what are you doing? You'll catch cold.' He hurried over and leaned past her to shut the window.

'You're back early,' she said.

'It took less time than I thought,' he said. 'So I have all afternoon to spend with you. We can do anything you like. Within reason, obviously.' He looked closely at her face. 'My darling, you're looking a little pale. You shouldn't be standing. Remember this morning.'

'I want to talk to you,' she said.

'Of course! What will we talk about? Come and sit on the couch. I'll make you comfortable.' He took her hand and led her to the soft couch in front of the fireplace, and she submitted to his attention, the placement of cushions and elevating of her feet. He sat beside the couch on a low stool, holding her hand again, gentle and mild. 'What did you want to say, little pet?'

'Today,' Millerna began, 'I was reading Elise's old letters and journals.' She saw him frown.

'Not a very good idea, when you're meant to be relaxing and avoiding anything worrisome. I can understand you gettng bored when you're laid up, but why don't you read something pleasant? If you're tired of your books, I'll get you new ones. That funny diary-novel everyone's been talking about. I'm sure that would be much more enjoyable than what poor Elise had to say.'

'You wrote to her,' Millerna said.

Allen blinked. 'Yes, for a time. I didn't know she'd kept my letters. We stopped because she was angry with me, and I thought she must have got rid of them.'

'She was angry with you.' It was a flat repetition, with a trace of a challenge.

'Well dearest, I don't remember it very well. Just for a few weeks we corresponded, it was a few years ago. I think she hoped for more than a friendship and I had to let her down. How much did you read? Shouldn't you respect her privacy?'

'You don't want me to have read them because of the kind of letters they were,' Millerna stated. 'You wrote her poetry! Sonnets!' She pulled several folded sheets of stationery from her dressing-gown pocket. 'Love poems! Why on earth would you do that if you only wanted to be friends? You must have known what it meant to her. What did it mean to you?'

Allen looked troubled, but not guilty. 'It was an experiment.'

'An experiment!'

'After everything that happened with Marlene, of course I was very unhappy,' he said. 'I don't pretend for a minute that I had the worst of it, but I did suffer. It was the first time I had loved anyone besides my family and everything had gone wrong. Your father posted me out to the swamps - really, he saved my life doing that, because if I hadn't had the challenge of getting those men to respect me, and to respect themselves, I would have felt like fading away into nothing. I was lonely. I felt that I could never love anyone else. I didn't want to love anyone else, partly because it would have felt like a betrayal of Marlene, partly because I felt sure it would turn out equally badly. I believed I was bad luck.'

'Where does Elise come into that?'

'Well, she wrote to me. Just kind letters to say that she was sorry for my trouble. That she understood I had never meant to do any harm. That she thought it was still possible for me to make a good life. She believed in me, despite everything, so I was grateful to her. I could never ask Marlene to have anything more to do with me, I had to leave her to her husband, but Elise gave me a sort of connection to the memory of her. She was still alive then, of course.'

'Which still doesn't explain the poetry.'

'It was courtly love. Like the old troubadours. I idealised her. She let me feel some of the happiness of love without having to actually be involved with another person, and risk hurting her and myself. I wrote the poems as as an exercise in feeling, so to speak, like those exercises you do after an injury so the limb doesn't atrophy and you recover its use. She kept my heart from atrophy. I thought that was why she wrote to me, just to be kind, to help me that way. And then she wrote and said she loved me, and sent extravagant gifts, and actually proposed marriage to _me_ - and of course I had to tell her no. I had too much respect for her to lie to her.'

'You were lying to her anyway! These poems are all about loving her, and that wasn't true!' Tears were starting in Millerna's eyes.

'I believed she _knew_ they weren't true! It's only a lie if you are trying to deceive! That was poetry, it was _fiction_. It's meant to be artificial!'

'You broke her heart,' Millerna accused him. 'It's your fault that she was so unhappy. It's your fault that she couldn't be Queen.'

'You know that isn't true,' he said. 'Dryden looked up the records, he told us, she was removed from the succession because of her mental illness. She must already have been troubled at the time she was writing to me. No wonder she took it all too seriously. If I'd known she was depressed and vulnerable I would never have gone on, but naturally she didn't tell me.'

'She _became_ ill because of you! The worst of it all came after you broke her heart. Dryden didn't read all her journals, he just found enough to explain the situation, and he didn't dig any deeper. She _refused_ to be Queen because she was in love with you and couldn't have you. The Queen has to marry and produce heirs, after all. Or perhaps Dryden _did_ find out about that and didn't mention it to spare my feelings. Elise,' and here she had to pause and blink fiercely to clear her eyes, 'Elise had more principles than I had, because she _wouldn't_ marry if it couldn't be to the man she really loved. She loved you too.'

Allen bit his lip. 'Of course I'm sorry. I'd have to have a heart of stone not to be sorry that it turned out that way. But you can't say it was all my fault. She was troubled already. I didn't know what was really going on. I meant everything for the best, and I swear I never knew until now that I was the cause of any of her troubles. My darling, you mustn't get into things like this, it only upsets you. You have a chance she never had. Please don't let your sister's ghost haunt you.'

'She loved you too,' Millerna murmured. She was running her fingers along the folds of the notepaper, reinforcing the creases. 'You went through this family like a hot knife through butter. How many women have thought you loved them?'

'You're being very unfair,' he said stiffly, 'because you're upset. I've loved only Marlene and you.'

'You asked Hitomi to _marry_ you.'

'And she didn't! And I realised I had been wrong about her, and I loved _you_.'

'I wonder if you would have "realised" that if she'd said yes.' She turned her face away from him, stormily looking into the fire. He put his hand to her cheek and turned it back again.

'Millerna, I love _you_. I married you. I will always love you best in all the world. You are my angel and my queen. Neither of us can change the past but it needn't determine our future.'

She looked into his eyes, angrily at first, and saw something she had not expected. He was afraid. He was really afraid that she might reject him, now, might harden her heart against him. He thought she could do that. He believed it was in her power. Perhaps he need not know that it was not.

'I know you love me,' she said. 'I love you, too. It just came as a shock to me to learn there was even more about you that I didn't know. And it hurt to realise that Elise had sort of the same problem as me, and the same problem as Marlene, and none of us could help each other. That's a terrible thing for sisters.'

'You think I'm going to be bad luck too,' Allen said, a little grimly. 'You're thinking "No good comes of loving Allen Schezar. Damaged goods. Poison to the touch."'

'No,' she said softly. _I could be angry. I choose not to be. I choose to forgive him. I choose to love him. I need very much to love him._ She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. His eyes closed for a moment and when they opened again the fear was gone. He returned the kiss to her mouth, very tenderly.

'I never want to hurt you, my angel. Please, please don't cry about my stupidity. Let me take care of you. Let me make you happy.'


	22. Cuckoo in the Nest

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Hitomi was lying on the bunk in her cabin when she heard a tap at the door. She looked up drowsily; now that the novelty of being back in Gaea had worn off slightly, she was feeling rather jet-lagged and was trying to squeeze in a little afternoon nap. The situation had changed, apparently now they were _not _bugging out, thanks to something the genial monk who seemed to be working for Prince Cid had done. She felt too sleepy to keep up with what was going on at this stage; looking at her watch told her only that it was well past her bedtime at home. Perhaps by now her mother would have found the note she left on her bed. Perhaps by now they were worrying about her. She did not think she had been much help here yet, except to make Van feel better.

There was another tap, and she realised she had started to doze again. She rubbed her eyes and made herself get up and answer the door. Van had insisted on giving her his room, saying he and Meruru could easily find other places to squeeze in, but he wanted her to be comfortable. She was not quite used to Van making a fuss of her and it felt strange. Meruru had looked mutinous when he said that, and Hitomi had suggested that she might like to stay, but she had just stomped off. And so there was an empty bunk above her, and she rather thought the one she had lain down on was Van's. She could not quite shake off the uncomfortable feeling that she was imposing.

She opened the door and peered out into the corridor. Serena stood there with a duffel-bag and Hitomi blinked at her in confusion. 'What?'

'Can I please come in?' Serena asked.

'Of course, please - what's the matter? You didn't have another fight with Gadeth, did you?'

'I had a fight with everyone,' Serena said woefully. 'I keep telling myself that things are so bad now they've simply _got_ to get better. I can't stay in the same cabin as Gadeth. The Crusaders are making a stink about us being a couple and I thought this was the way to deal with them but I think they've won, and of course Gadeth is mad at me, why wouldn't he be mad at me, and it all stinks and can I stay here? I'm so sorry to butt in on you but everywhere else is full and I just thought - I mean - oh, why should I think you'd - I mean not that you're not kind but why should anyone help me? I've just been so useless.' Her face crumpled and she began to cry.

'Oh dear,' said Hitomi. 'Please don't cry. No, I mean, do cry if it makes you feel better. Here - sit down - don't bump your head on the top bunk - I'll find you a tissue.' She rummaged in her own bag, on the floor beside the bunk, and found a plastic purse pack of Kleenex. 'Here,' she said, tugging out a tissue and offering it to Serena.

'What is it?'

'A sort of paper handkerchief.'

'Wh - why would anyone want paper handkerchiefs? Wouldn't they all come to bits when you washed them?'

'They're notorious for it,' Hitomi said. 'My mother always complains if any of us leaves one in a pocket when we put our clothes in the wash.'

'What a stupid invention!' Serena said, and began to laugh at the same time as crying.

'They're _supposed_ to be thrown away after you use them,' Hitomi said. 'There you must be all right if you can laugh. Right?' She patted Serena's arm encouragingly.

'I've got a proper handkerchief,' Serena said, fishing in her trouser pocket and coming up with a folded cotton square. 'Oh this is one of Gadeth's. It's one I got for him, I had them monogrammed' She gazed at the 'G.F.' worked on one corner, with apple leaves around it.

'I don't understand what's happened,' Hitomi said gently.

'I'm _really_ not coping. I should have sent to Allen when Gadeth first said so. They're going to be sending for him and Millerna anyway, and he'll find out I messed it up anyway. I was hoping I could sort something out and he'd only hear after it was all cleared up. You know, save the situation, snatch triumph from the jaws of defeat? But I never had the faintest idea how to do that. I never had a proper plan. I didn't realise I was so un-grown-up. I mean I _have_ coped with difficult things before. I don't understand why I can't do it now. Sometimes I'm stronger than I expect to be. I mean, I don't understand why I really have my own personality, why I don't still think and feel like a five-year-old. I suppose I thought from that that I'd keep finding out I could deal with things, the abilities would just be there when I found I needed them. And of course they aren't. Once you start relying on a run of luck it always runs out.' She sniffed deeply, and wiped her eyes with the handkerchief.

'Well, things will come together,' Hitomi said. She still wasn't sure what Serena was talking about, but reassuring her seemed like the main thing to do now. 'Allen will come and help you. Big brothers are good that way. And he'll understand. You just weren't ready for this job yet. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help, as long as you _get_ help and get better.'

'He snuck me through, really,' Serena said, with a little grin. 'Into the Knights of Heaven. It was awfully dodgy. It's supposed to be just the twelve best swordsmen in Asturia. I haven't even competed against all of them, just someone called Mica Methven who was new as well. He was very good, I only won because I'm quick and unpredictable. I was so grateful to Allen for smoothing the way for me but he really shouldn't have. It just got me in out of my depth. The idea was that it was just to overcome resistance to the idea of a woman in the order it only got me in at the deep end where I've no business to be.' She wiped her eyes again, and blew her nose.

'Well, Van got thrown in at the deep end, and he managed all right,' Hitomi said. 'He needed help, just like you, and he made mistakes, but he's doing all right.'

'Doing better with you here,' Serena said. 'You wouldn't believe how he's perked up. I caught him _whistling_ downstairs earlier. I'm glad someone's happy.'

'You'll be all right,' Hitomi said. 'You just need to believe in yourself. Allen must believe in you - and I bet Gadeth does too, even if he is upset with you right now.'

'You're awfully kind to someone you only just met,' Serena said.

'You were kind to me,' Hitomi said, 'when you knew me even less.'

'It wasn't very altruistic. I was hoping if I could settle Van's hash it would make my life easier and people would be pleased with me. And I was sort of fascinated by the idea of meeting you, and visiting your world.'

'Well, did you enjoy that?'

''course.'

'Have you given him his present? Maybe that would break the ice.'

'I left it on his pillow when I packed up my things. Except half my things are his things that I've taken over.' Serena looked up at Hitomi and noticed her sleepy appearance for the first time. 'You wanted a rest, didn't you? I'm sorry. I have things I should be doing, anyway. Thank you for listening to me whine.'

'That's all right.' Hitomi felt a little rush of relief. It wasn't that she didn't care, but she was _so_ sleepy.

'Off I go to follow the Maiden's Policy,' Serena said, pushing herself up from the bunk bed.

'What? Oh, right - you know, you don't have to take that seriously, it's just a song for little girls.'

'Don't say that! I'm thinking of adopting it as my new personal philosophy.' Serena smiled awkwardly and gave a little wave to Hitomi as she left. 'Have a good sleep.'

Hitomi settled herself on the bed again. The pillow smelled like Van's hair. _His hair it's so nice and soft. He got it cut shorter maybe I should tell him I'd like him to let it grow again. Can I tell him things like that? Maybe I can oh, we're together, we're _**_together_**_. Whatever happens, I'm glad I came._ She hugged the pillow, and fell asleep properly.

She was woken what felt like a very short time later, but it must have been longer because it seemed to be night. The room was dark now, except for some sort of candle or lamp burning; she couldn't see where just at the moment but the flickering yellow light must come from a flame. Serena was bending over her.

'Hitomi? I'm sorry to wake you up, but you've been asleep for hours and - can you help me?'

Hitomi hitched herself into a half-sitting position and blinked at the other girl. She was dressed differently now, wearing some sort of big, loose black-and-yellow striped top that hung halfway to her knees, and her ashy hair was loose around her shoulders.

'What is that you've got on?'

'Oh old rugby jersey of Gadeth's. I told you, I take over all his things. It it smells like him. He calls me a bumblebee when I wear it. Queen bee. Very good at silly petnames.' She sat down on the floor, her legs splayed in front of her. There was something awkward about the way she moved, and Hitomi realised she could smell wine. There was an open green-glass bottle sitting on the floor beside Serena, and a glass about a third full. Hitomi could not see where the level of liquid in the bottle was very clearly, but it was certainly at least half empty.

'I can't go to sleep by myself. I just can't. So I thought a few drinks might put me to sleep but they've just made me maudlin. I've got to do something to pull myself together.'

Hitomi felt vaguely shocked. Of course some girls her age drank, but she had never been friends with any of them.

'He's my pajamas,' Serena said, and giggled unhappily.

'Are you drunk?'

'This isn't drunk. Oh, you should see me drunk. I'm just wonderful when I'm drunk. He thinks I'm cute. Except I'm not bloody cute when I go around punching people. A messenger's gone to Asturia, by the way. Whee.'

'Who did you punch?' Hitomi asked, alarmed. 'You didn't hit _Gadeth_, did you?'

'No, no, I hit Baile, and really, he was asking for it. Being a real jerk. I don't want to talk about it. Gatti and Chesta and them wouldn't have talked to me that way. They were such nice boys. I miss them. And then I get all mixed up because they did terrible things, they killed people and burnt houses, but they were nice boys. They worried about Dilandau. You would have liked them, really you would.' Serena rubbed the side of her face wearily. 'Oh, I remember what I wanted to ask you for.' She took something else from the floor, a pair of scissors. 'Could you cut my hair for me? It's driving me mad, hanging round my face.'

'Are you sure? It's so pretty' Hitomi knelt on the floor behind Serena and ran her hand over the silver-gold waves.

'I can't bear it. Please just cut it off. Short, like yours, like a boy's.'

'I don't cut my own hair, you know,' Hitomi said. 'I'm not sure I'll do it right. The hairdresser zaps it at the back with clippers and I don't have those.'

'Please just have a try.'

'All right, but promise not to be angry if it looks weird.' Hitomi looked around blankly for a moment before remembering she had brought a towel in her bag in case she should need it; that would do. She draped the towel round Serena's shoulders and fastened it at the back with a hair-clip she found on the floor; another lay a little way away and she supposed Serena had taken them out and dropped them. _Not only an unexpected room-mate, but a messy one. Oh dear._

'Very professional,' Serena said approvingly. 'You know, the last time I had my hair cut - me as me, I mean - was when I was five and they cut my hair off before they changed me. I remember Jajuka saying "poor little thing." All those curls gone. I was so upset, because - well, I wasn't upset about losing my pretty hair, I didn't really think of that. But it was important to Mother. She was always so proud of us having nice hair, as though she'd made it herself on purpose - she used to stroke Allen's and say "You can't get that colour out of a bottle." She'd do mine up in rag rolls to make it curly - it's got a kink in it already, but she liked to make it into clouds of ringlets. Clouds of ringlets, doesn't that sound pretty, just the words?'

'Very pretty,' Hitomi said. 'You're lucky, my hair's always been dead straight.' She was brushing Serena's hair, trying to figure out where she should cut first. If you were going from long to short, could you cut off long pieces, or should you just trim a bit at a time?

'So was Dilandau's,' Serena said thoughtfully. 'No what was I talking about? How upset I was. Because Mother loved my hair, and I was upset for her sake, I think. Something she loved about me was gone, something that made me hers was gone. It took away a link to her. I suppose that was partly why they did it.' She picked up the wineglass and took a small sip. 'This is not a very good bottle. I'm afraid it's corked. I'm not very good at opening them. Now, I had a thought, and I put it to one side while I finished off the thought I'd already started, and now I want to pick it up again and it won't come.'

'You said something about Dilandau's straight hair?' Hitomi offered. She took a lock of hair between her first and second fingers, sideways the way hairdressers did, and snipped off the ends. Cutting hair was an odd feeling; it seemed vaguely improper to be doing it herself and not leaving it to a professional. But it didn't seem to be going wrong so far.

'Yes, that's a funny thing, he had dead straight hair, like Allen does. Very different from mine. And that always makes me wonder - was Dilandau's body, all the external characteristics, what's that word? Some kind of type.'

Hitomi tried to remember her biology textbook. 'Phenotype, I think. The characteristics that actually come out. And the genotype's all the genes you've got, the ones that didn't come out as well as the ones that did.'

'Clever girl,' said Serena. 'I couldn't remember genotype either, but now I can say what I wanted to. I always wonder, did we have the same genotype? I mean, was he the boy I would have been, physically, if I'd been born a boy, or was he made up? I keep thinking that it makes the most sense, with the whole fate alteration thing, for it to be the genotype one. And so - I mean - well, one day I was looking at Allen and I suddenly realised their hair had the same natural parting. And I wondered if Dilandau's hair had been longer, would it have fallen the same way. And I started trying to imagine what if I had been born a boy in the first place, there would have been two Schezar brothers - have you ever tried to imagine Allen and Dilandau as brothers? And would Dilandau still have been an albino then, was that something that went wrong because the changeover was artificially induced, or would Mother have had one gold-and-sapphire boy and one silver-and-garnet? It's such a strange thing to think about.'

'It was hard enough getting used to the idea that Van and Folken were brothers,' Hitomi said. 'Although it seemed natural after a while. I always wish I could have seen them together and happy.'

'I wonder if Van is going to end up that tall,' Serena said. 'He might be going to shoot up in the next few years. You'll have to stand on a box to kiss him. Or carry around a little step-stool. But maybe you'll get taller too. I'm still growing, you know. I don't know why, but I'd expected I would have stopped forever. And then a while ago I realised I needed to let down the hems of my trousers and actually get a new brassiere altogether. I'd gotten taller and gone up a size. It was horribly embarrassing getting fitted for a new one, the lady said I'd been wearing the wrong kind all along, which was why I found it so bloody uncomfortable. It was partly because I'd put on a little weight, I used to be awfully skinny and I'm healthier now. But partly I'd just grown. Gadeth was pretty pleased about the whole thing. I mean, not pleased that I was embarrassed, although he thought that was cute and funny and everything. But naturally enough he liked the idea of me being more voluptuous. Now _there_'s a word you shouldn't try to say after three glasses, I nearly mucked it up.' She sipped at the wine again and made a little face. 'Definitely corked.'

'It must be I don't know, it must be strange to sort of be sharing your body with someone like that,' Hitomi said, and felt herself blushing. _Twit. No-one's even looking at you._

'I suppose it is strange,' Serena said. 'I find it quite nice. I'm sort of used to thinking of my body as not entirely mine anyway. Of course, I've got a claim on his body as well. Or I did have. That's the problem tonight, I'm missing his body, missing his presence, and how warm he is, and his own particular smell. I do love how he smells. There's a ghost of it in this ratty old jersey. I just miss how safe and loved I feel, curled up in bed with him. Having someone to sleep with is just lovely. You're never alone. How are you going back there?'

'Quite well, I'm taking off a bit at a time to keep it even.' Hitomi was feeling rather young, although she was telling herself that was foolish. She had never known someone her own age who could talk about these things. Actually, it might be a good opportunity to ask about a few things that had always puzzled her, and that magazines like _Cosmopolitan_ were never really very helpful about.

'Good, good.' Serena put the glass down and slid it away from herself over the floor, Hitomi noted with relief. It seemed to be true that she wasn't drunk, only a little over-emotional and talkative, but it was good to see she wasn't planning to finish the bottle.

'What is it I mean, what is it actually like, going to bed with a man?'

'Why, do you have plans in that direction?' There was a teasing smile in Serena's voice.

'No! No, I just - I just wondered, I mean, you _know_, and' The blush was worse than ever.

'It's nothing to be ashamed of, girl.'

'I'm not ashamed. I just - well, I don't _want_ to yet. Not that I never think about it, but it's just a nice idea, I don't want it to be part of my real life yet. It would make everything much more complicated and weird. I don't think either of us is ready. He only just kissed me for the first time yesterday, for goodness sake. You shouldn't jump to conclusions like that.'

'Forgive me,' Serena said, 'I have a dirty mind. You're very sensible. Take your time and pick your moment. Don't go for it until you feel really sure, and really safe. Says she who slept with Gadeth about a week after meeting him. I do worry about how that must look to people. I'd argue that it's not morally wrong when you really love someone, but it was only partly because I was falling in love with him. It was for comfort, too, and almost for a distraction. So I wouldn't have to think about how terrible things were. They almost executed me, you know. That's quite a story. I think I told you most of it the other day, at the shops. It was as though - well, the way it always seems to me is that Fate double-checked, and said goodness me, I _have_ been hard on you, you've lost your parents and ten years out of your life and now they're thinking about chopping your head off. It seems a bit excessive. Just by way of compensation, here's a rather gorgeous man to do with as you wish. I could hardly believe it, but there just weren't any catches. There wasn't anything wrong with him. It's only gone wrong now because of me. I managed to mess it up for myself. You're very quiet back there. Letting me rattle on.'

'I'm concentrating,' Hitomi said. 'I've taken off an awful lot at the back and the sides. I'm going to come round the front and tidy up your bangs.'

'It doesn't feel boy-short yet,' Serena said, raising a hand to her head.

'No,' said Hitomi, 'you've got a sort of Beatle haircut at the moment, but I'm going to fix that up.' She shuffled round on her knees to face Serena.

'I was so relieved when you told me they were a band - now I can explain things to Cid. He's been worrying about this little bunch of beetles sending out distress messages. He's such a little sweetie.' Serena bit her lip; her eyes were starting to trickle tears. 'What if I can't sort things out with Gadeth and I get old and die and no-one else ever loves me and I don't get to have any children and'

'Stop that,' Hitomi said gently. 'You're borrowing trouble. I still don't understand why you can't just go and talk to him.'

'I should tell you everything that happened.' Serena told the story while Hitomi finished cutting her hair, and shook her head over the mess.

'It's a good thing Allen's coming,' she said. 'I'm sure he'll straighten them out.'

'Will it be weird for you to see him again?' Serena asked. 'You _did_ nearly agree to marry him.'

'That's the thing,' Hitomi said, 'I could never imagine _living_ with Allen. He's so perfect. I think I always had a feeling it wasn't meant to be. I keep comparing him and Van. It was so different when each of them kissed me. When Allen did, I was happy, sort of, but I was so worried and confused at the same time - and when I saw how upset Van was I felt dreadful. Kissing Van took _away_ some of my worries.'

'Well, I'll ignore that slur on my brother,' Serena said, smiling a little. Changing the subject seemed to have cheered her up somewhat. 'The first kiss _is_ rather special. Always supposing you don't bump noses or anything.'

'I wonder when he'll kiss me again.'

'Or you could pull yourself together and kiss _him_.'

'I would be nervous.'

'As though he wouldn't be?'

'Do you think they _think_ about these things as much as we do?' Hitomi asked. She put her hand on top of Serena's head and turned it to one side, then the other, checking that the sides were even. The cut was slightly shorter than she had intended, because she had taken a little too much off the top and had to even the rest of it up, but it didn't look too bad. It made Serena look rather Joan-of-Arc-ish. There was a word for it; gamine, that was it.

'Having no first-hand experience of the thought processes of a normal boy, I can't say for sure. I sometimes bully Gadeth into telling me what he thinks about me. I think they think about us about as much as we think about them, but from a different perspective. But everyone's different.'

'They don't talk about it together like we do, do they?' Hitomi dusted hairsnips off the towel around Serena's shoulders.

'I don't know,' Serena said. 'Maybe normal boys do. I suppose it depends on whether they've got anyone they feel they _can_ talk to like that, someone they trust enough to ask questions about personal things. Gadeth says he got a lot of advice from his brothers and cousins, some of which was useful and some of which turned out to be complete rubbish - in fact he suspects them of makng a few things up so he would look silly if he tried them. Do you know if Van has any friends like that?'

'I don't think so,' Hitomi said. 'I don't know if he's friends with any boys his age at all. I don't know much about what his life is like in normal times. He's got Meruru, of course, but she's younger and a girl. I suppose Balgus was sort of fatherly to him.'

'Balgus,' Serena repeated thoughtfully. 'Well, he was a bit of a surrogate father to Allen as well. In a someone-who-teaches-you-and-who-you-look-up-to kind of way, though, not a daddy sort of person. From the sound of Allen's stories I'd say his response to any question about girls would involve cold baths, vigorous exercise and not thinking about it too much.'

Hitomi laughed as she removed the towel from Serena's shoulders. 'Oh dear - hairsnips _everywhere_. I don't know how we're going to get rid of this mess. Were vacuum cleaners ever invented in Zaibach?'

'Oh, leave them,' Serena said. 'We can do something about them in the morning. It's ridiculously late. And I think I _can_ sleep now. You've taken a weight off my mind. Literally.' She pointed to her head and grinned.


	23. Air & Angels

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

And then there was a third waking, in grey dawn light, by a tapping on the cabin door. In the bunk above her, Hitomi heard Serena roll over and mutter something irritable-sounding.

'I'll get it,' she said, crawling out of bed. She had gone to sleep in her clothes and they were thoroughly crumpled by now. At least she had a change of clothes with her now, not to mention underwear. Her previous sojourn on Gaea had involved a lot of compromising her usual standards, depending on when she could get any washing done. Sometimes she had even worn her running shorts as underwear just because she couldn't bear to have the same pair of underpants on any more. It had gotten to the point where she envied Meruru for not bothering with knickers.

She opened the door and found Van in the corridor, and immediately wished she had washed her face and brushed her hair before answering.

'Good morning,' he said. There was a kind of light in his face; he looked as though he was anticipating something wonderful. 'Can you come out? I've got something I want to show you.'

'I - I need to get dressed.'

'But you're dressed already,' he said, looking at her clothes in puzzlement. 'Just get a jacket or something on - it's outdoors so you might be cold.'

She didn't want to say no to him, even with no idea what it was about. 'Wait a moment,' she said, and shut the door again.

'I'm going out!' she told Serena as she tugged on a wool cardigan from her bag, and did the best she could with her hair.

'Before the sun is properly up is _not_ a conventional time to call for a young lady,' Serena said drowsily. 'He needs courting lessons.'

'Phooey,' said Hitomi cheerfully. '_I_ don't mind. Do I look really awful?' Serena raised a tousled head from her pillow and considered her appearance.

'No,' she said. 'You look all glowy and in-love. It's very depressing. But don't mind me. I'm just bitter and twisted.'

'You'll be fine,' Hitomi told her impatiently, and went to join Van. He caught hold of her hand - it was remarkable how easy it was to do that now, and yet it still gave her a little shock of warm electricity.

'Come on,' he said eagerly, and led her along, out of the ship and down the gangway onto the capitol roof, before he said anything more, and what he said then made her heart skip and stutter for a moment.

'I dreamed about you last night.' He smiled at her through a cloud of foggy warm breath; it was a very frosty morning, with a fresh fall of snow everywhere. 'It was the most beautiful dream I've ever had. We were flying together - you had wings too, but not like mine, butterfly wings, rainbow coloured, and the whole world was spread out under us like a map and I knew we could do anything, go anywhere. You were so happy. I'd do anything to make you that happy really.'

'I - I don't know what to say.' An answering smile was stealing across her face. 'I wish I'd had that dream too.'

'I nearly didn't tell you in case you wouldn't like it, but you do, right? Because I've been trying to think how I _could_ make you happy. And the first thing I could think of was to take you flying. If I'm going to have these stupid wings and have people calling me a demon for them all my life, I've got to get _some_ good out of them - and you like them, right? I can sort of - dedicate them to you?'

'Van'

'Come on, say yes!' He was holding both her hands in his. The sun was only just beginning to make the horizon pink, but he was glowing with his own light. 'I've dragged you back here, I've gotten you in trouble probably - if I can do anything that'll please you, you've just got to tell me. If there's anything about me that can make you happy.'

'_Everything_ about you does,' Hitomi managed to say.

'I have never, ever felt like this,' Van said earnestly. 'It's like the dream, like things are possible that I would never have hoped for, and I can actually say these things to you - I feel like an idiot, but I _can_ say them. Let's go flying, Hitomi. I'll take you up high and show you the whole world, and if you want it I'll get it for you. But I'd better get this shirt off first because Meruru will growl at me if I get it all ripped up.' He had undone the top buttons and was hauling the whole thing off over his head before Hitomi could say anything.

'But you'll be cold!' she protested. 'It's freezing out here!' Waves of gooseflesh were already chasing each other over his arms and chest.

'No I won't,' he said cheerfully. 'Here I go!' He bowed his head with the effort of unfurling his wings, and Hitomi suspected that the little grunt she heard was not just of effort, but of some pain. Huge white pinions sprang out from his shoulders, making the snow look dull and dingy with their purity. For a moment he was the centre of a snowstorm of downy feathers, tickling wisps that flew in Hitomi's face and blew in flurries through the icy air. Awe immobilised her. _How could anyone think this was demonic?_ Almost before she knew what was happening he had bent and scooped her up, an arm hooked under her knees and another tightly round her shoulders. She was afraid she would slip, and reflexively flung her arms around his neck.

'Don't worry,' he said, 'I can hold you up. I have done before. But feel free to hang on tight.' There was a bright flush in his cheeks; she didn't know whether to attribute that to the cold or to their closeness. _Is this really my Van? I'm literally swept off my feet._

It was a few steps from where they stood to the edge of the roof; he simply sprinted them and leapt out over the parapet. There was a terrible moment when they seemed about to plummet down, and Hitomi gasped and hid her face in his shoulder, but then Van's wings caught the air, with an audible thump and creak, and they were aloft, gliding, held by the air, and somehow the feeling of danger retreated.

'See?' Van said, close by her ear. 'I won't get cold - the exercise will keep me warm, and you will too.'

'Where are we going?'

'Where do you want?'

'That way!' She picked a direction at random and flung out one arm to point, briefly, before she felt how precarious was her position and hooked it back around his neck.

'Right! That way, full speed ahead!' They soared through the air, and Hitomi's head spun with the sheer exhilaration of height and speed. It was like the most wonderful moments of running, when she felt as though she might really break through the bonds of gravity and inertia that held her to the world and become like the wind. It was like the peak of a broad jump when for just an instant she felt that maybe coming down again was optional. It was a greatest-hits compilation of all those fleeting moments, extended and multiplied and going on indefinitely. It was better than her sweetest dreams.

'Going up!' Van warned her, and she could feel the striving of his shoulder muscles as he fought for height, climbing high into the grey sky, surrounded by the howling wind of his own progress. Her eyes filled with tears, partly from the wind and partly from pure joy. The cold air bit at her cheeks and she turned to rest her head on his shoulder once again.

'Are you scared?'

'No! This is wonderful!' They both had to shout to hear each other properly. The air up here was thin and Hitomi began to feel giddy. The whole world seemed to consist of sky; she was hardly aware of the rooftops far below.

'Going down!' It was a long, plunging swallow-swoop, a rollercoaster dive that made them both yell out loud; then Van broke the fall with a strong back-flap and they were gliding upward again, round in a curving, rolling sweep, laughing, gasping.

'You lunatic!' Hitomi cried. 'You could've killed us! Do it again!'

A second dive followed, the wings folded right back and the air screaming around them. But as Van tried to bring them out of the plunge an unexpected gust of wind buffetted him from the side, some malevolent spirit of the air taking exception to groundlings enjoying themselves in the sky. One wing half-buckled and he cried out in pain and alarm, and then they were really falling, and the rooftops were suddenly extremely noticeable and solid-looking. Hitomi did not know whether she screamed or not. She shut her eyes tightly.

But somehow he managed to pull up, to divert the drop into a low, lame glide that brought them to a stumbling, snow-scattering halt on the leaded dome of some large building. It was, blessedly, a very broad dome, its curve quite gradual, and they did not immediately slide down. There was, very near them, a sort of maintenance ladder built into the roof, metal rungs sticking out, and Van managed to skid in that direction and hook one leg around a rung. They scraped to a stop, bruised, the wind knocked out of them.

It took Hitomi a few seconds to be sure that the pressure under her back was simply that of a solid object under her, holding her safely. The pressure on top of her was Van's body, his wings sheltering her, creating a less chilly cave protecting them from the surrounding air. She could feel what promised to be a painful graze all down the side of her right leg, from hip to knee; these tights must be ruined. She could not yet open her eyes; all she could do was lie still and pant while she waited for her heart to stop trying to jump out through her chest. As the circle of her senses gradually widened to encompass more than her own sensations of panic and pain, she realised that Van's heart was pounding equally hard, and she could feel it directly, beating into hers, and their heartbeats were exactly in time.

Her eyes opened, and looked into his, wide with fear and concern.

'Are you all right?' he asked. 'God, I'm sorry.'

'I'm fine,' she said. 'Are _you_ all right?'

'I'll be okay,' he assured her. 'I need to catch my breath, that's all. Damn it - that was _stupid_! Make you happy? Make you dead, more like it. I should never have' He faded out, and she saw despair and self-disgust in his eyes. The synchronisation of their hearts was failing, the beats blurring apart in slightly different rhythms. In any case, she could no longer feel it as he hoisted himself up on his elbows, trying not to squash her.

'But I told you to,' she protested. 'And it was wonderful until it went wrong, and I don't think that was even your fault. It was just the wind. And we're okay! Don't get all upset about it. You saved my life.'

'It doesn't count when I put your life in danger in the first place,' he said wretchedly. 'I always do that. You would be so much safer if you'd never even met me. And I try to give you a treat and it turns into a near-death experience. I should have remembered what Mother said. These dumb wings just bring sadness.'

'Don't you dare say that,' Hitomi protested. She risked a look around and found that with a little effort she could lever herself into a position where she could lean on another rung of the ladder, letting Van get into a more secure position himself, still shielding her with the arch of his body. She braced herself against the hump of the dome and got ready to speak her mind.

'I think your mother was absolutely horrible to talk to you like that,' she said heatedly, to his obvious surprise. 'Making a little boy feel guilty about something he couldn't even help. And the only time I ever met her she tried to put a guilt trip on me too. And she was wrong, too - or at least she was only half right, and my grandmother told me the rest of it, the good side. I know you love her, but she was very wrong about a lot of things if you ask me.'

'I - I don't think I like you saying that,' Van said, looking troubled, if not yet angry. 'You've got no right.'

'I'm on your side though,' Hitomi said. 'She hurt you! I don't want anyone to hurt you. I think about how lonely and confused you must always have been, and it makes me furious! And you try so hard to be brave, and you always blame yourself and take all the responsibility, and it isn't fair at all. You're only fifteen and sometimes you should be irresponsible and it just shouldn't matter.'

'I can't,' Van said sorrowfully. 'You know I can't. The whole of Fanelia is depending on me. It all comes down to me. And I _want_ them to be able to rely on me; I want to take care of them. Someone should.'

'Well, someone should take care of you,' she retorted. 'And you'll just have to put up with me trying, because there's no way I can leave you alone now. You _do_ make me happy. But if you don't let me try to make you happy I'll be really angry with you.'

When she began that speech, Van looked so startled that she thought he might lose his grip on the dome and fall, but at the last words he seemed to relax, and almost to smile.

'Will you haul off and smack me again?' he asked.

'Yes, probably, if that's the only way to knock some sense into you.'

'I thought you didn't want anyone to hurt me.'

'Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind,' Hitomi protested. _He's teasing me. Thank goodness he knows how._

'What if I don't survive all this violence?' he asked, very mock-innocent. 'Am I going to have to put up with a lot of injuries?'

'Possibly,' said Hitomi, 'but I'll always kiss you better.' Which led to the second kiss, which was somewhat awkward since she was on the rung above him, but no less enjoyable for all that. _I started it that time! I suppose both of us have gotten bolder. It's so much easier to be like this! As long as - well, I don't _**_think_**_ he thinks that way, I don't think he would look at it as an invitation_

'I don't think I need to worry about you being able to stand up to me,' Van said. 'Are you always going to be this nice and bossy?'

'Well, no,' Hitomi admitted. 'I'm only managing it now because of the adrenalin. I'll probably get quite meek again when it wears off.'

'The what?'

'You know, how you feel when you're in danger, or you've been in danger. It makes you ready for - what's that phrase - fight or flight.'

'Do you think we really had a fight?'

'Oh, no. But do you think you can manage flight again? Or do we have to climb down and walk back? Because I don't think I can find the way - I've completely lost track of which way home is from here.' She looked up at the wing that had bent back so alarmingly, and risked raising a hand to touch the feathers gently.

'It's all right,' Van assured her. 'It was just like twisting your ankle, hurts for a moment but not a real sprain. I can get us back to the capitol. This was an incredibly silly thing to try.'

'But it was also incredibly nice,' Hitomi said. 'Don't you forget that.'

'Promise,' Van said, hesitantly, 'even when you're not feeling quite as fierce as this, will you promise that you'll always tell me the truth, you'll tell me what you really think? I think I need to listen to you a lot more.'

'Of course I promise. If you promise you _will_ listen.'

'Yes, I do.' Rather quickly, he kissed her again; he found he had to do it quickly so that he didn't have time to get nervous. She seemed a little more certain than he was about these things. Perhaps, he thought, she had had more practise. That wasn't a reassuring thought.

'Number three,' she said. 'I think I've chosen the strangest possible place for my second and third kisses ever.'

'Third and fourth, don't you mean?' Van said.

'What do you mean?'

'Well... Allen'

'No,' Hitomi said briskly, 'I don't count him. It was all a big mistake; it wasn't really real. I'll always feel that you gave me my first proper kiss.'

'Seriously?'

'Yes.'

'You really like me that much better than him?'

'Of course I do, if I'd liked him better why would I be here now?'

'I don't know, I'd just always thought I mean, aren't you sort of settling for me?'

'Oh, for goodness' sake. If you keep saying things like that I _will_ have to slap you. Let's just go home. It's freezing up here - and you _are_ cold, whatever you say, I can see you shivering.'

'All right. You know best.'

The sun was coming up; there were snowflakes and angel feathers caught in their hair.

When Hitomi returned to the cabin, Serena, who was just getting into her waistcoat, stared at her rather.

'Skirt ripped all the way up one side. Feathers in hair. Big smile on face. Trying _really_ hard not to leap to a dirty conclusion,' she said.

'Oh, don't be foul,' Hitomi said cheerfully. 'It's a beautiful day out there. I feel really sure things are going to get better.'

'Did you have a vision? I've heard about you and visions.'

'No I haven't had one for a long time. To be honest, I don't miss them. They were nearly always terrifying and I usually couldn't tell what they meant until nearly too late. I just have a very nice feeling at the moment.' She picked a bit of down out of her hair and flicked it on the floor. 'We'll have to do _something_ about that floor - it's quite disgusting.'

'I did sweep most of it up,' Serena said, 'the long bits you cut off at first, anyway. It's the little snippets that are hard to get. So if nothing wicked happened, what on earth happened to your skirt? And your leg's all messed up down the side.'

'Crash-landing,' Hitomi said. 'It looks messy but it's not too bad.' She took a look at it. 'Euw,' she said. 'It looks gross. I'd better get that cleaned up.'

'Crash-landing?'

'We went flying!' Hitomi exclaimed, and fluttered her arms to show what she meant. 'He's so _sweet_ once he loosens up and calms down a bit. I just - if I can make him see that there's a time when it's all right to have fun - well, I feel as though I can help him, and' She lost control of the sentence, her hands clasped under her chin and her eyes shining.

'Look at you,' Serena said. 'Full of dreams. Lucky girl.'

Gadeth woke late in a narrow bed that nevertheless felt too big and too empty. He knew as soon as he opened his eyes that he was in an ugly, pathetic mood, and needed to whine a little, if only to himself. _I wish we'd never come here. We had it so good in our little house by the sea. It would have been just as easy for me to get an early discharge, we could have talked the Boss round. Right now I could be waking up with her curled up round me, all warm and soft and drowsy, and a whole day ahead of us with nothing to do actually, it'd be cold and miserable there at this time of year, storms and waves bashing the beach in, you'd know it was a nice day because there was rain instead of snow and sleet so heavy blankets and hot drinks and a good excuse to stay in bed all day keeping each other warm. Why did she have to be so stubborn? And why does she keep going when I can see it's making her miserable, and why won't she listen to me when I _**_tell_**_ her?_

He raised his arm and looked at the new wristwatch. 'Jeez!' Unless it was telling the wrong time, and he wasn't sure he'd set it right, not being able to read the instructions in the little book that came with it, he was going to have to hurry and still wouldn't have time for breakfast. She'd left it on the bed for him, as though it compensated for anything. And it was a marvellous thing, of course, the kind of thing she found fascinating, with a little half-circle on the dial past which a golden sun and moon cycled. She was always trying to share things she liked with him, and at the same time wanting to share everything that was his. Mostly that was sweet. There was nothing more adorable, more desirable than Serena in one of his shirts, sleeves rolled up loosely and shirt-tails trailing around her bare thighs. _I really shouldn't think about things like that first thing in the morning when I probably won't get to touch her all day or all night after that just get here, Boss, come and fix things up, because if I'm this lonely already I'm going to lose it completely._


	24. Cross Purposes

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

A day went by. Despite the rumpled feelings of several people within the capitol, it was not a dead loss. A relatively unimportant monk with an interest in engineering found a file of calculations and formulae which allowed him, four years later and in conjunction with his own ideas, to develop a food refrigeration system vastly more efficient than anything previously devised, which was, in later years, recognised as the beginning of a revolution in domestic technology in Gaea. On a less history-making but more immediately positive note, in the afternoon a small group of Asturian soldiers started an informal jackets-for-goalposts football game in the square out the front. After a statutory required period of hanging around looking bored and unimpressed, a few young members of Silver Star who were keeping an eye on things joined in with increasing enthusiasm. The game quickly expanded to a thirty-a-side free-for-all, thoroughly enjoyed by all concerned.

The game went on for approximately two hours before both sides admitted they had no idea how many goals anyone had and the whole thing was declared a draw. Kegs of beer were brought down from the ships so everyone could share a drink and, bizarrely enough, it began to look like a party.

Gadeth sat on the steps watching, glad to see a lighter mood but not feeling much better on his own part.

He heard steps behind him, and a moment later Serena sat down at his side. It was the first time she'd been anywhere near him all day. He wasn't sure what, if anything, he wanted to say to her, and whether saying anything would make matters worse or better. He didn't look directly at her.

'No-one told me this was going on,' she said. 'I was in the radio room fiddling with things. Do you think I should tell them to cut it out? They're getting pretty silly.' The Crusaders had been in the thick of the game and were now attempting to start a post-match snow fight.

'Why? It's just high spirits. Let them have some fun. It'll make us look better to the locals, anyway.'

'I don't know. I thought I was supposed to be stricter with them.' She spoke rather stiffly. 'I thought that was what you thought I should do.'

'If you don't know what to do, you could ask.'

'I want to know what to do without having to ask.'

'No-one does, to start off with.' He turned to look at her now, and started with surprise. 'What happened to your hair?'

'I got a haircut,' she said, self-consciously, moving her hand as though to tuck a wisp of hair behind her ear, except she no longer had wisps long enough to tuck there. 'Hitomi helped me. I suppose you don't like that, either.'

'But I liked it the way it was,' Gadeth said lamely. 'I told you lots of times I did. Why'd you want to go and change it?' _Did you get rid of something I liked on purpose?_

'I got fed up with it,' she said. 'It got in my way and I had to spend a lot of time on it every day. I only kept it that way to please you and it looks like I _can't_ please you so what's the point?'

_We have a fight about one thing and suddenly she assumes nothing about her pleases me? This is ridiculous._ Gadeth tried to hide his irritation, but he had never been good at that.

'Fine,' he said. 'You should wear your hair however you want.' She was still lovely, of course she was, but there was something about the short haircut that almost upset him. She looked shorn, like a prisoner or something. Or an orphan. Of course, she was an orphan. It seemed rather as though she was trying to make a statement of it, to throw in his face that she was lonely and unhappy and he wasn't helping her.

'Well,' she said coolly, 'obviously you don't care.'

'What should I say, then? Sorry, I don't love you any more because you got your hair bobbed?' He looked at her hands; she was wearing gloves, of course. So was he; anyone would, in this weather. 'Are you wearing your wedding ring?'

'Of course I am!'

'So you haven't got rid of that, too.'

'_I'm _not the one who' She cut off her sentence and looked away restlessly, her eye falling on Meruru and Rafel, who seemed to have put sworn enmity aside long enough to build a snow fort as a base for the battle. Rafel noticed her looking and waved enthusiastically.

'Who what? What am I supposed to have done? You didn't let me know you needed help in time for me to help you. You assured me everything was fine and I trusted you. I have to do the right thing, not what's easiest for you. Look at me while I'm talking to you!' Gadeth grabbed Serena's far shoulder and turned her bodily towards him.

'Are you going to have a fight with me right in front of all these people?' she asked sullenly. 'What do you want to do, hit me?'

He kissed her, not at all gently, on the mouth, a hard, pushing kiss that was more of a challenge than a caress. He put his hand behind her head and held it firmly so she couldn't pull away until he let her; when he did, there was an angry spark in her eyes that seemed to match the flush in her cheeks.

'You did that just to make me look bad!' she hissed. 'We said we weren't going to!'

'I never agreed to that. How could you make a promise like that for me? I didn't marry you so I could sleep alone and never see you!'

'It's not exactly an ideal situation for me either!' she snapped back. 'Do you know how hard it is to sleep without you? Especially when I've got Hitomi wittering on in my ear about how everything's going to be all right and she and Van are going to take care of each other and there'll be a happy ending! _Everything_'s gone wrong and I can't even count on you to make me feel better because you're one of the things I've messed up!' There were bright tears in her eyes now, and she turned her face away from him again.

'Serena' He couldn't maintain any kind of anger when he saw her about to cry.

'No, just leave it. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me.' She stood up impetuously and marched back into the building before he could stop her. Gadeth stared after her. A snowball hit him in the back of the head.

'Oops! Sorry!' someone called. That was all he needed.

As it happened, no-one had actually noticed their conversation but Hitomi. When Rafel got no response to his wave, he returned to pouring water on the wall of the snow-fort to ice it up. It was the first time in ages he'd had anything like fun. To people in the square the steps were just so much background. But Hitomi was walking past, on her way to offer to help with the fort as a sort of peace offering to Meruru, and once more could not help overhearing. She winced when the snowball hit Gadeth. He swatted it away with an angry movement, swivelling back to sit with his elbows on his knees and his hands raked through his hair, clasping at the back of his head. He looked so terribly dejected. Surely just offering sympathy would not really be interfering.

She climbed the steps towards him, and hesitated two steps further down. 'Are you all right, Gadeth?'

He looked up with a little start, and seemed to try to put his face in order before speaking. 'Oh, Hitomi - I didn't hear you coming. No, I'm fine, it didn't hurt. Just soft snow.'

'Oh,' she said. 'Good. Do you mind if I sit by you for a while?'

'No, go on.' She sat down, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms round them. She had jeans on today, partly to cover the graze on her leg, partly just to be warmer. She had gotten some odd looks but people just seemed to accept that a person from another world dressed differently. People in the Allied contingent, anyway; she wasn't sure if the Silver Star people knew who she was at all. She cast about for something to talk about.

'Cold, isn't it?' she tried.

'Yep.'

'I think I might be getting a chill.'

'Shouldn't you stay indoors, then?'

'It's just rather depressing in there. I mean, it's all right on the ships, but everything there is rather cramped. And the sunshine will do me good, I'm sure.' Hitomi looked around the square. 'Everyone looks really cheerful. That's good, isn't it?'

'I guess so.' He seemed to have something on his mind that he wasn't sure how to frame in words. 'Look, you're sharing a room with Serena now, aren't you?'

'Yes. She came to stay with me.'

'Has she - has she talked to you about everything that's been going on? I mean, has she explained why she's acting this way?' He turned towards her earnestly.

'Not really,' Hitomi said. 'I don't think she feels like she's got any choice. She didn't want to move out of your room. She felt like she got railroaded into it.'

'She got what?'

'Sort of pushed. She got confused and got backed into a corner.'

'It's stupid,' Gadeth muttered, turning away again to look out at the square.

'Well - she misses you an awful lot,' Hitomi said. 'She wears a jersey of yours to sleep in. The bumblebee one.'

He didn't respond for a little while. Hitomi traced a finger up and down the side-seam of her jeans leg. Suddenly, there was a startling crackle in the air.

'What's that?'

'The announcement thingy. What's happening?'

'Sorry,' said Serena's disembodied voice, rather loud. 'The thing went - I bumped the - never mind, it's working now.' The people in the square grew still and looked up at the speakers nearest to them, uncertainly. Some of them had been dragging together scrap lumber to make a bonfire.

'I, um, I'm really happy to see everyone having fun. I thought maybe some music would be nice? It's a bit different from what you'll have heard before but just to make it feel more like a party um. Well, here it goes, just yell and scream if you hate it and I'll take it off.' The next thing to come from the speakers was music, the sound of a whole band playing, young men's voices in hearty harmony.

'Help! I need somebody - help! Not just anybody' The English lyrics meant nothing to most people on the square; they looked rather startled by the noise at first, and then a few people began to smile, and the awkward pause was suddenly over. The bonfire builders went on piling and the snowball battlers went on pelting.

'How is she doing that?' Gadeth asked. 'Who's playing? You couldn't fit a band into that little room.'

'Well, she got one with little speakers, I suppose she just put them up to the microphone,' Hitomi said. 'I didn't know this place had a PA.'

'One what?'

'A Discman. You know, one of those little machines for playing music? I showed you mine, didn't I? She got one while she was visiting me. I think it's cool that she's found a way to share it with everyone. Actually I might run in and lend her a couple of CDs - I brought my favourites because I didn't know how long I'd be here.' Hitomi got up, dusting snow off the seat of her jeans.

'What's this song?' Gadeth asked. 'I mean, it sounds pretty upbeat. What's the singer saying?' Perhaps Serena was trying to cheer herself up, or show him a brighter face, indirectly. Hitomi listened carefully for a moment.

'That he's insecure and lonely and he needs someone to help him.'

'To a tune like _that_? You could _dance_ to that!'

'Mixed messages, I guess,' said Hitomi. 'Or maybe I've translated it wrong. But I think I know this one. We used to have this English teacher who made us sing along with tapes in class. She loved sixties music. It's because of her I always try to figure out the words, she said that was a really good test. And I actually started liking some of those old groups, too.' She saw the look of polite incomprehension on Gadeth's face. 'Do you think Allen and Millerna will come soon?' she asked, changing tack.

'They can't come soon enough for me,' he said dolefully.

Serena returned to _Crusade_, planning to get some more of the CDs she had bought. They were quite a mixture; knowing so little about the history of alien music she had based her purchases on things like whether the cover art was pretty, and whether the performers had interesting-sounding names. The idea of someone being called 'Meat Loaf' had amused her immensely. 'Heaven and Hell' was also an odd title for a collection of popular songs; she had asked Hitomi if it was religious music and she had said definitely not. Serena suspected that Hitomi's tastes were rather eclectic too, if less random than her own; one minute she would be recommending something called 'trff,' and the next she was saying 'Oh look, Aretha Franklin! Get _her_.' She said the Beatles were actually very good, although they had gone eccentric as their careers developed. 'Perhaps it's a bit of a mean thought, but I realised the other day Allen wouldn't look out of place on the cover of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."' They had laughed about that, or at least Hitomi had laughed and Serena had laughed once she had _seen_ the cover of 'Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.'

_Hah. I could join that. If I knew how to play anything. Which I don't, although Gadeth offered to teach me a few guitar chords and I said I'd rather just listen to him play. They'll probably have another singalong later, down by the bonfire, teach the people here some of their songs he'll play then don't know if I want to go._

She was passing the door to Allen's cabin, which, perhaps foolishly, no-one was using. It didn't seem right to take over any space that was, by long association, Allen's territory. _I can't take over for him. He's left an Allen-shaped hole and I can't fill it - they all see the gaps. He's what they're looking for._ On a whim, she opened the door and slipped in. Curled up on her brother's bed, she closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing. Going to sleep in the daytime would be unprofessional and foolish, but oblivion would be so nice right now. Serena had had only had one dream in the past year that she remembered, the one about saying goodbye to the Dragonslayers. Gadeth told her he was sure she dreamed, because sometimes she stirred or whispered in her sleep, but she knew nothing about that firsthand. Sleep, for her, was nothingness.

_Come on, girl. You can't escape like that. You can't escape._ She sat up with a sigh and looked around the room. It was tidy, which went to show that Allen hadn't lived in here for some time. Someone had put everything in order. She made an aimless tour of the small space, finding a drawer holding a razor, shaving soap and hairbrushes, another full of shirts and underwear, and a chest which on first inspection held jumbled fencing gear and a few books. She picked one up and read the spine; it was another of those sentimental novels that he read on the quiet. Opening it, she found a bookplate bearing her mother's name. Perhaps that was it; he read these books to remember her by. That was a nice thing to do. Serena went to replace the book in the chest, but as she did so, her eye fell on the space its removal had left. Under there, she could see something made of black leather.

That seemed unlike Allen. He owned hardly anything that was black, always preferring light colours. It was a shame; black would suit him. Curious, Serena pushed aside a couple more books and a padded waistcoat. Her eyes widened and she took a deep breath involuntarily. No, this was not like Allen. Of course it was not. Slick black leather, crumpled by a few months' careless storage, brass buttons in need of polish, curved and spiked shoulder armour, with scratches in the brilliant red enamel

This was what had happened to Dilandau's uniform. Why in the world had Allen kept it here? _When he took me home from the battlefield and I was so exhausted I suppose he undressed me, I probably needed it, I was feverish why didn't he burn it, or throw it away? Perhaps he didn't want anyone to see it. Perhaps it was just easier to shove it somewhere for the time being, and with everything that came after that he forgot about it he hasn't actually travelled on this ship for months. Someone might straighten up the cabin but they wouldn't look into his personal trunk. Only I'm nosy enough to do that._

She pushed all Allen's things to one side, and carefully lifted out the pieces of Dilandau's clothing, laying them on the floor one by one. Jacket, gloves, trousers, overskirt here, crumpled and extremely ill-smelling, was his sleeveless shirt, soft lavender cotton. Shinguards, boots, belt and sword. Lucky red socks, also somewhat on the nose. Undershorts (black again). The only thing missing was the tiara, and she rather thought she had dropped that somewhere on the battlefield. There was even yes, in a corner of the trunk's bottom, the chain with his identity tag on it.

_His identity! I wonder where the clothes he had on when he appeared on the plaza came from, then? Magic you can't trust it_ She stared at the small oblong medallion, turning slightly on its chain. Neatly stamped on it in small characters was 'D. Albatou, Dragonslayers, Imperial Zaibach Army,' and under that his serial number. She dropped it back into the chest and moved round on her knees to look again at the uniform. And slowly, her hands reached out and picked up the jacket.

First she put it on over her own clothes, just draped round her shoulders, sleeves hanging empty. If they were outdoors in the evening, if Gadeth had a jacket and she did not, he would put his round her shoulders in just this way. Serena started to put her arms through the sleeves but found that they were too tight to admit the bulky sleeves of her new uniform's shirt. After a moment's thought, she removed the jacket, laid it with the other clothes, stood up and began to undress. It was chilly in that room, in just her winter underwear and wool socks, and she hastily picked up Dilandau's shirt. Putting on underwear and socks that had been worn by a sweaty, ill person and then had gone unwashed for months was unthinkable. The shirt did not seem much better; she thought it was actually mildewed. Since she had on a thermal undershirt of her own she decided it did not matter, dropped it and turned directly to the trousers. They creaked as she drew them on; it must be true that she had put on some weight because they felt tighter than they had before, over her thighs and bottom. They were also just slightly short. _What a thought. I'm taller than Dilandau now._

Stretching her hands inside the gloves, getting each finger comfortably nested, she looked down at herself, at the neat shell of red and black that now encased her. _What must I look like?_ Of course Allen had a mirror, firmly screwed to the wall. She turned to look at herself properly, to see herself as another person would. She did not think she looked like Dilandau, even with her hair cut short. But she did not look like herself either. _Perhaps this is an escape._

She ran her hands over her arms, over the wrinkles of the leather, hugging herself, hearing the familiar, half-forgotten little squeaks of movement in these clothes. Dilandau had been buried in this uniform, or not this uniform precisely but its exact double. Two dog-tags. That wasn't right. They were identity; there should only be one. She traced with her fingers the pattern of gilt on the high collar of the jacket. Under there, she had on her own necklace, the double of Hitomi's. Van said that was not right either.

_I look so strong like this. I look so safe._ She turned around in a slow circle, watching herself move. There was a sound of footsteps in the corridor outside, and she froze guiltily, suddenly knowing for sure that she did not want anyone to see her dressed this way. She had no good explanation prepared. She was not even sure why she had wanted to put them on. It couldn't possibly be nostalgia. Whoever it was went straight on past the door of Allen's cabin, and she let out the breath she had been holding, gradually. _I must get these off. Put on proper clothes again. Put these back in the chest and forget them again._ She undressed in a hurry, then put on her own clothes, having a moment of panic when she could not find her right cuff-link, but it had only rolled into a corner and she located it by its shine. She should really have been equally quick about putting Dilandau's uniform away, but she took the time to smooth things out and fold them neatly, according to Dragonslayer discipline and regulations.

_Come on_, she told herself sternly, _be sensible. Here you are in the uniform of a Knight of Heaven. No, you _**_are_**_ a Knight of Heaven, I don't care if it was dodgy how you got in, you're in now and you have to do things properly. You can't just go back and dress up like a screaming red devil to make yourself feel better. This uniform stands for much, much better things._

_Besides, if I hang around here too long that music'll run out, and I haven't got any more lined up._

Millerna paced the length of her stateroom on the royal barque _Therese_. She was so nervous and agitated that the only comfort she could find was to keep moving. This upset Allen. He had not wanted her to make this journey at all. At the moment it seemed that everything Millerna most wanted to do upset Allen, to the point where she was not sure she was not coming up with things to do purely on the basis of what would bother him. She could not think why she was behaving this way; it was senseless to antagonise him when she needed him so much.

He would have gone alone, except that as she pointed out, the message asked for her attendance. They had argued about that, as she sat at her desk signing papers.

'It will do your health no good at all,' he said, behind her, trying not to lose patience with her refusal to look at him when he spoke. 'You've already been very ill once this winter and I am astonished that you think it sensible to risk making yourself sick again. What about our baby?' He had been making a deliberate effort to refer to it as 'our' baby lately.

'Our _baby_ will be fine as long as _I_ am fine,' Millerna snapped back. 'And I will _not_ feel fine knowing that things are going to pot in Zaibach because I'm not present! You surely don't want me to desert Serena when she's having trouble.'

'_I_ could go and help Serena without you having to do anything,' Allen said. 'She's my sister, after all, not yours.'

'Am I not to be allowed a sister?' she asked sharply, setting down her pen rather firmly and turning to face him. 'Am I not to have any friends, anyone I can talk to, anyone with whom I can be myself without worrying, as I can't possibly with my maids or the court ladies?'

'You - you have me,' Allen protested, looking hurt as well as weary.

'You don't understand at _all!_' she said, and to her shame began to cry. She was angry with herself because this was not what she had meant to say at all. She would want to go whoever was in charge; it was her duty as a queen that made up her mind. Allen would get the idea that she only cared about helping Serena. But she _did_ miss her sister-in-law; she missed having someone cheerful to talk to, someone to whom she could admit her fears and say the things that Allen would not want to know she was thinking. She missed how much they had been able to talk, not only about painful things and secrets, but about things as trivial as their clothes and hairstyles, and things as personal and potentially embarrassing as sleeping with their husbands. Serena got rather embarrassed when anything private about Allen was mentioned, saying it was possible to know too much about one's brother, but she was always happy to discuss matters and offer advice in the abstract, with a matter-of-fact air of expert knowledge that always made Millerna laugh. Serena would tease her in return about being supposedly more experienced, having been with a grand total of _two _men. They would make smutty little jokes and laugh themselves silly. It was such a relief sometimes. If she could laugh, she didn't need to cry so much.

'Oh, _Millerna_,' said Allen, sounding heart-stricken. He went down on his knees to put his arms around her as she sat in the chair, and kissed her hands as she wiped her eyes. 'My poor little pet this is such a strain on you you know I worry, that's the only reason if you are so determined, of course we'll go, but you must let me take care of you. Both of you. I can't let any harm come to my little family.'

Millerna wiped her nose and tried to smile. She did not want to make her face all blubbered and swollen with tears when Allen was looking at her. She was even more ashamed of the way she seemed to have won this fight, by going weak and girly instead of calmly arguing her point until he was forced to admit she was sensible and right.

Still, it had gotten her here. They were on their way, and Allen was on the bridge consulting with the captain, and if he was not here to tell her otherwise there was no reason why she should _not_ pace the floor. Gentle exercise was surely good for her anyway; it was no different from all those preparatory pelvic muscle exercises she had to do (and that Allen didn't want to hear about). She rested her hands on the swollen curve of her belly. It was hard to imagine that it must get even bigger before the baby was born; there were still whole months left to go and she thought she was huge. She couldn't wear any dress with a waist in it. She had had to start changing the way she sat down and rose from a chair.

'Well, then, baby mine,' she said quietly as she walked, 'you and I are going on a bit of a journey. Won't that be interesting! You'll have to be very good and not give Mamma any trouble, because she has to work hard. So no stomach upsets, please, no backaches - just wriggle gently if you feel you must, and save anything more energetic until we're safely home.' She quite often talked to the imagined baby now, as a way of making herself used to it. It would be nice to think it somehow heard and understood, or at least was learning to recognise her voice. There were times when she _did_ feel very loving and possessive of it, and not at all as though she were being imposed upon. It would be easier, and nicer, to feel that way all the time, and so she encouraged such thoughts in herself.

Deep in her womb, she felt a little flutter, a sensation that she thought of as the baby turning over in its sleep. It was fine. She was doing it no harm. Everything would be fine.


End file.
